A Long-Awaited Update

Hi readers! It's been awhile since I popped in here hasn't it? I've been very busy this month. I had doctor's appointments, dental appointments, work, and holiday preparation. Christmas snuck up behind me really fast, and before I knew it, it was over.
I got the best gift I could ever ask for. It was a secret present that I didn't tell anyone I wanted because it isn't something money can buy. Feeling loved. I got that! That's all I ever want. With my family, it is very hard to talk openly about my feelings, and I feel a LOT. The holidays are difficult for me because I struggle with health problems, chronic pain, depression, fatigue, and loneliness.
For 4 days I had a lot of pain.
Pain from IBS, pain from bladder pressure, and pain from endometriosis. I'm pretty sure I angered some scar tissue. Yesterday, I lugged my bike out of the garage and rode it to work. While I was sitting at my desk, I turned around to do a quick look around (I'm a supervisor, so I have to do this to make sure everyone is working) and I felt something rip inside. It was a very sharp, tearing sensation within me. I held my breath and winced in pain.. Then ran to the bathroom to hide as I fought back tears. And by ran, I mean limped at a fast pace lol! The entire work day was filled with pain and abdominal swelling. I could barely walk.. Sitting was uncomfortable.. People needed my help and I couldn't sit still for long. It was a very long shift.. But I made it!
I'm quite tired today though. I didn't do a whole lot. There's been a lot on my mind though..
The toughest thing about Christmas is that it's a child-centered holiday. I heard my mom say that she wants a grandson. Well, I'm sorry but I'm not going to be having kids anytime soon. I can't even sustain a relationship because of all my health issues. I have a very difficult time dating and telling men I'm interested because I honestly feel like I'd just be a big burden to them.
I'm going to be 26 in March, and I feel like I'm running out of time. As much as I really want to have a baby, I'm finding it incredibly difficult to be around children. I have a lot of issues with the way my niece is being raised and I keep thinking "If I was a mom, I'd do a good job."
Usually when I feel like this I don't want to see kids, hear kids, or have kids anywhere near me because it hurts. It's ridiculous. Does anyone else feel like that??
I'm trying to tell myself I don't need children to be happy but it seems like women without kids or a husband in this society are seen as "odd" and carry this stigma that "something must be wrong with them."

Whatever.

It's so hard to talk about infertility, whether it's primary or secondary. There are so many emotions involved: grief, depression, anger,denial,bargaining. It's essentially the 8 stages of grief all the freakin' time! Why do women who don't want to be parents and ignore their kids or just don't give a shit have no issues with getting pregnant? It's unfair.

I think if I lived in a different place.. A house with no children, and no constant reminders about the fact that my reproductive system has been shut off, that I would feel better.

I'm having less mood swings but sometimes it's difficult to contain my frustrations.
For example, my niece is 3.5 years old and isn't potty-trained yet. She also doesn't have a bedtime. Tonight she went to bed at 11pm. She rarely gets disciplined, and she pretty much gets her way all the time. She's an only child and the first grandchild so you can imagine how spoiled she is. She doesn't listen well, she talks back, and is a very loud, attention-demanding child. I keep thinking "well if I had a kid, they'd have a regular bedtime, eat healthy, and play outside daily and if they talked sassy to me they'd be disciplined."
I need to stop thinking these thoughts because they're torturing me. I just want my niece to grow up to be smart, self-disciplined, happy, and successful. I see behaviour issues early and it worries me. I guess it's my job as an aunt to worry..

Anyways, I'm going to go now, I'll be sure to check in often! There are some other things I need to update.

Xoxoxoxo

The Doctor's Verdict

Alrighty,

I didn't write about my doctor's appointment yesterday because to be honest, I was quite upset. I had quite the restless night letting my thoughts run wild and only got about 6 hours of crappy quality sleep. It was a very emotionally draining evening that turned into an emotionally draining day. I keep telling myself that it's not a big deal, it's not life-threatening, and I need to stop making such a big deal about it but I can't help but feel overwhelmed.

The doctor told me that I probably have Interstitial Cystitis, which is about every bit frustrating and painful as endometriosis. It also has no cure. He's written a letter to a urologist requesting a cystoscopy. It's a procedure that will involve me being sedated, and then they will apply a local anesthetic to my urethra, and then SHOVE A FREAKIN' CAMERA IN THERE. My bladder is not a filming location for a TV show! AHH. This is so totally gonna hurt isn't it? Or at the very least, feel really really weird. I've been seeking other women who have endometriosis and IC and they've all experienced different things with the cystoscopy. Some had it hurt so bad they needed to be knocked out. Some were just uncomfortable.. So, I'm really not sure what to expect. I have a pretty high pain tolerance, considering that I'm in pain daily and just deal with it. I've been really bitchy though for the past few weeks due to lack of sleep because I wake up anywhere between 1-3 times a night to pee. Last night was actually awesome because I was so underslept the night before that i went to bed earlier, and then only woke up once to go. Fantastic. It's about time that I had a good sleep!
So, as a result I am less bitchy today.

With the progesterone treatment though, I'm back down to 10mg. I was just in so much pain with the double dose that I just went back down on my own last Sunday. I don't remember if I mentioned this the last entry or not.. If I did, I apologize for repeating myself!
It's just as well, since the pharmacy screwed up my prescription anyways. The double dose increased side effects too.. And I've got bleeding gums and my face broke out in acne a little bit. Also I have hair on my face.. Eww. I was rubbing my top lip yesterday going "OH MY GOD I'M GROWING A MOVEMBER!" Lol! Today I pulled out all my chin hairs.. Yuck. I'm so womanly and sexy.

What I don't understand is why my bladder symptoms went away after my laparoscopy.. and then suddenly returned. I guess that infection I thought I had wasn't actually an infection at all? It never was proven after all.. I did 2 urine tests and both were negative but I couldn't produce urine during my first doctor's appointment at the first onset of symptoms.
I will never know what made me so bloody sick.

So, today I'm gonna treat myself and go out with my sister and we're gonna go shopping for a bit. I like the mall. I know where all the bathrooms are.

Hahaha bye for now!

Xoxoxoxo

Pain Management

Namaste!!

So, today (ok yesterday now.. Remember, I'm a nightowl now because of my night job) I didn't have to take any prescription pain medication! I didn't even take over-the-counter pain medication. Yaaay!

I decided to go back down to 10mg of medrozyprogesterone. I woke up yesterday morning around 9am and I had such severe pain that I was curled up in a ball in bed for an hour. I could not lay still and I could not get comfortable. It was terrible. I couldn't take my pain meds because if I take them without food, they will destroy my stomach. I was awake for about an hour before Fred laid against my hurtie parts and his body-heat and purrs eased my pain and my heart <3
So I slept until 1:30 in the afternoon.. Sheesh.. Lately, I've been so physically and mentally wiped out from pain that it's hard to think!! I've been walking like a cripple for the past week and a half.. No more! I will tell my doctor this Thursday that my symptoms worsen with increased dosage of this medication. My bladder symptoms worsened too. On Saturday I walked to work.. I went to the washroom before picking up my prescription at the pharmacy.. Walked for about 20 minutes and felt like I was gonna pee my pants!! The pressure was terrible and so I made a beeling for work and went straight to the washroom. I could not hold it. After relieving myself, I was in a lot of pain. It felt like burning.. Like when you get a UTI almost.. The urgency is terrible. Today I did much better. Less bladder pressure; less trips to the bathroom.
Thank God.
It is so embarrassing that I cannot do a simple thing like walk to work.. Go to the bathroom at a restaurant halfway to work, and then before I get to my destination: have to piss like a racehorse again. What the efffffff!???

There are some other things bothering me that are more personal but I won't get into that. It involves me doing a favour for a friend and said friend not appreciating it.. It's causing a bit of friction.. Anyways! I'm looking forward to two days off from work! Yay! I plan on doing laundry and hopefully going to the gym with a different friend (who appreciates me and everything I do almost as much as I appreciate him!)
I will update some more on Thursday after my doctor's appointment.

Night night!

-M

Things That Keep Me Strong

I have to remember those words "Keep going!"
For awhile there I was so overcome with grief that I forgot to tell myself to keep going. I still thing about my brother every day.. And I still wish I could've said goodbye. I keep a photo of him in the living room and look at it all the time. It keeps me going.

There are also many inspirational people in my life right now.
The number one person I'd like to thank is a very special friend of mine who I love with all my heart. He helped me prepare for surgery, he was there when I woke up, he's always been there to take care of me when I was sick in bed, or in too much pain to go upstairs to get myself a drink to take my Gravol with. He was there to console me when I was grieving over my brother's death, and he's supported me throughout my treatments. I am forever thankful. Words cannot describe my gratitude. Even on days like yesterday, when I was in so much pain I could barely get out of bed... He encourages me to get up and out and KEEP GOING!! But he never pushes me. Somehow, he has the power to take my pain away.

Another person I have to thank is OCWarrior1026. Your thoughtful comments warm my heart and soul. I've been following your blog since the beginning. I've read every single entry and I've wept with you during your battle. I'm rooting for you every day. It means a lot to me that you read my humble little blog! I admire you.

I would also like to thank my Endosisters! Without you, I would have nobody to whine to, ask for advice, or know what the hell I'm doing Lol! You help me not feel alone anymore. We lean on each other for support and share our experiences and our pain while relieving it at the same time. You guys are my rock!

I'd also like to thank Biffy for her positive vibes and making me smile during the hard times. She's gone through her own battles and I admire her so much. Her optimism is infectious and it's hard to talk to her without feeling all warm and fuzzy and glowing inside :)

My family also provides support, although I wish they could be a little more supportive.. I know they do what they can. I'm the only person in the family diagnosed with endometriosis, and the only woman left without children. I also no longer have future plans to try and have children. I have accepted the fact I won't ever become pregnant, and I'm okay with that. I hope they will be too one day..

Also my friends: a great deal of you have been met through work or online, or I've known you for years and consider you my family. You make me smile and every single one of you believes in me and helps me to believe in myself.

And last but not least, I must thank my Fredders! My furbaby! My purring lovable heating pad! He's always there comforting me and snuggling. He helps me sleep at night. I love you Fred! Meow meow!
I love Rascal too although he's more of a flop-on-the-floor-and-love-me cat! Lol!
Animals love unconditionally and purely.

These wonderful souls who have touched my life are who I am thankful for every single day. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. Much love to you!

And to my dear readers: I consider you my friends as well. Thankyouthankyou

Xoxoxo

M.

It Doesn't Metastisize, It Migrates

I had my follow up with my gynecologist last Tuesday.
It appears that my endometriosis is continuing to spread and grow, and my doctor suspects that it's moved onto my bladder causing me to use the washroom a lot (like I did before the lap) and also cause bloating and PAIN. The pain the past two days has been so intense that I have difficulty walking. It wakes me up during the night, and over-the-counter medications do little to offer relief. I continue to go to work and I talk to my co-workers about the pain sometimes but most of all, I joke about it and call myself a "gimp" Lol! I hate whining and complaining, so I figure if I do it in a joking manner that it's alright. They say laughter is the best medicine anyways.

I haven't blogged in awhile, I can't remember if I mentioned that I went back on anti-depressants or not.. In other treatment news, my progesterone dose has been doubled in an effort to get my pain and bladder symptoms under control. I have bowel issues too, and I've been taking fiber daily and probiotics but I still experience a lot of pain. Mostly I have a lot of bloating issues and it feels like my colon ties itself in a knot. It's been going on for well over a week. That on top of having to pee every half hour and having endometriosis pain has become very frustrating. That's where the anti-depressants come in. They allow me to emotionally cope with this disease.

My doctor says that if my medications don't improve my symptoms, that he would like to have a cystoscopy done to look for interstitial cystitis. This is a disease that essentially feels like a constant bladder infection. Petichial hemorrhages or small ulcerations develop in the bladder wall resulting in pain and irritation. A cystoscopy is a procedure done to look inside the bladder to check for these things. I'm pretty sure I'll have to be knocked out for it, since they fill your bladder with water and then go up your freakin' peehole with a camera. I can't imagine that's comfortable..

Since I don't feel a lot of support from my family, and a lot of my close friends have day jobs or live far from me, I don't have a lot of people to talk to about my battle with endometriosis. I recently found an online support group and a lot of women have the exact same feelings and symptoms as I do so I no longer feel alone. I've stopped feeling sorry for myself as a result of this.

I'm beginning to accept the fact that I'm not going to be a mother in my lifetime. With this illness spreading despite hormone therapy and surgery, and the fact that I'm still single and time is ticking away as I get older, I don't wish to have children if it means rushing into a relationship and going through painful procedures such as more surgery and fertility treatments, all the while risking myself for ectopic pregnancies and miscarriages and GRIEF.
There's always adoption.
There's always furbabies.
Many people live happy, fulfilling lives without pro-creating. I can too.

Endo + Infections

It's well known amongst endosisters that we tend to get infections easily. We also tend to overlook some of them because they cause symptoms similar to endometriosis pain.
Take urinary tract/bladder infections for example. Endo causes bladder symptoms as is. I go more often than most people, but I go less often than I did before the lap. Anyways, the fact is, I had a bladder infection that I let go untreated for a few days until I started having kidney pain. I got very ill, and it's all because I thought the pain I had in my pelvis was just from endometriosis. Thankfully, the infection didn't get into my kidneys, but it got bad enough that I had kidney pain, which is the worst pain I've ever felt in my life. It also made me feel sick to my stomach. I never vomited a single time, but I felt like I was going to. It was awful. I can't even imagine what a full on kidney infection would have felt like. I haven't been able to eat anything other than cereal, applesauce, bananas and toast since Tuesday (it's Friday now). I am so tired of being sick. I missed one day at work, and worked only a half day before that. Tonight I'm returning for my entire shift to tough it out through the nausea. Since I'm taking antibiotics now I think I'll be okay. I have pelvic pain still but no more kidney pain. This is the sickest I've been in a very long time. I almost went to the hospital last night. I was actually advised by a nurse over the phone to call an ambulance and go but I stayed home and rested and just called my doctor in the morning. I'm fine. I hate going to the hospital..
It's rather daunting to recover from one ailment just to be afflicted with another. I finally recovered from anemia about two weeks ago and I was getting back into my fitness routine when the infection hit. I still don't know how I got it.. Sometimes I have pelvic inflammation that makes it difficult to completely empty my bladder, so that might have caused it. Women with endometriosis are more prone to infections usually and that doesn't help.
As for the depression, I've been taking anti-depressants for a couple weeks now and I'm feeling better. I had an anxiety attack last night though because I missed a dose. I need to make sure I take them every day. It's just been very hard facing grief every day from losing my brother in July and then dealing with endometriosis and the possibility of being infertile. I haven't had a period since that heavy breakthrough bleeding last month, so I think I have endo somewhat under control. I hope that doesn't happen again!
Anyways, I'm looking forward to returning to work tonight but I'm also a bit nervous since I'm still sick. I think I'll feel better as long as I drink in lots of fluids and don't overdo it.

The Other "F" Word

I haven't told many people about this, but when I saw my gynae earlier this month I said the "F" word. No no not THAT one!
Fertility.
It affects every woman with endometriosis. It also doesn't matter which stage you're in. 40% of women with endo are infertile. 35% of infertile couples who seek treatment are diagnosed with endometriosis. Women with this disease also have difficulties with fertility treatments, and a lot of them seem to make no difference in the ability to conceive. The only treatments that seem to stand a chance are IVF and IUI.
Women with endometriosis also have a higher risk of miscarriage. A much higher risk apparently. I have met some women online who struggle to have a family and they try so hard, harder than anyone else I've ever known. They are determined, strong, and incredibly brave women and I admire each and every one of them.

My doctor told me that because I have endometriosis, my fertility is affected. If I want children, more surgery is indefinite, and to increase my chances, it's imperative that I stay in treatment (the treatment that is supposed to stop my periods) until I'm ready to try and get pregnant.
No matter what, when the time comes, it will be a battle. I will have a hard time. I have ovulation problems as well which make it harder, and unbalanced hormones.
The reason I'm worried about this is because I'm completely 100% single and I'm 25.5 years old. Infertility increases with age and I'm nowhere near being in the position to start trying for a baby anytime soon.

When I was on my vacation, I couldn't help but notice that everyone in my family is either married or has a baby. All my cousins are starting families right now. Ok except one.. But he's a guy and he doesn't have the pressure on him to reproduce like I do. My family is very child-oriented. I think I've mentioned before that they tend to not pay attention to the family members who haven't procreated yet. I haven't told them about my problems.. I've talked to my mom about it and I always end up bawling and she says "don't worry, you'll have children, even if you have to adopt". I know she's trying to make me feel better but it doesn't. I feel like I only have a short time before I reach the point where I have to accept that I'm never going to be a mom. Meeting all my cousins' beautiful children was a privilege and I just want that so bad.. I want to be married and have a baby and a house and a dog and be happy. I feel very lonely these days because I've been working so many nights. At the same time I don't want to date because I have a difficult time finding someone who accepts me and my illness, or someone that I can even fall in love with. I was in a very committed relationship that ended nearly two years ago and even though so much time has passed, I'm not over that person.. And it seems that I just push everyone away that I date. I feel like such a wreck. I'm really depressed and I cry all of the time. I just want to move on in life and I can't. I feel trapped and I wonder if I'll ever be happy.. It seems hopeless some days. After losing my brother and grieving it makes everyday things get me down and this shit with this stupid illness I'm stuck with make it too hard to deal sometimes.
I wish I could escape somehow but at the same time, I cannot lose hope. I think about suicide sometimes but I lost my brother that way.. And I can't do that to the people I love. I can't leave them behind. As frustrating as life is right now, I have to keep going. I've been on the crisis line and found some help on their website but I think I need some professional help? I'm becoming absolutely obsessed with my fertility because I don't know and my doctor doesn't know if I'll ever have children. I have the worst case of baby fever and just a couple months ago, I accepted the fact that if I'm infertile, it's fine and I didn't want kids. Why I suddenly do, I don't know. It's stupid. Maybe it's the hormones I'm taking?

Oh Bloody HELL!!!

Hey folks,

I've been keeping my endometriosis treatmets/rants very up-to-date on twitter. If you're interested in daily updates, follow me @Marcina

So, September has been a very bloody frustrating month. I had a total of 12.. yes TWELVE days of abnormal uterine bleeding. I went on a family vacation to Powell River and bled the whole damn time. I came home and it stopped for a mere two days before picking up again. Last Sunday I had the most painful day, and I was at work and I was passing a few blood clots and it got to the point where I was feeling lightheaded and weak so I called my doctor the next morning. They told me that I should get my butt to the ER if it continued (I didn't. I hate hospitals) and my doc called me Tuesday and told me to double up my medication to get the bleeding to stop. It worked, but because I waited so long (due to being out of town for 5 days, and going straight to work the day after coming back) I had become quite anemic.
So for now, I'm on a special diet, making sure I get a lot of iron and taking supplements and resting a lot. I also think I have a bit of a cold.. I just feel extremely run down and sick sometimes. I have a lot of inflammation in my pelvic cavity due to all the bleeding. I think it really made a mess of things in there. The worst part is having to be inactive for so long. I haven't been able to do any exercise besides walking and that wears me out.. But I'm no longer out of breath when I come up the stairs, My hands and feet are normal temperature and I have color in my face now which is great but I'm still in a lot of pain. Everyday. It's very daunting.
Well, I have to get ready to go to work now, I'll finish this up later.

Bye!

A Vacation from Vacation?

Hi readers,
I've been pretty busy as of late and not keeping up with my blog all that much.
I'll give a quick update here as to what I've been doing: I saw my gynae on the 1st and the day after I told him how well the treatment was going and how awesome I felt, I started having pain. It was a big slap in the face. Then, I started bleeding. I bled for six days. I went on a family trip to Powell River and wouldn't you know it? I bled the entire fucking time. I was very upset. I don't just have a period and be done with it. I pass numerous blood clots, I get migraines, digestive problems,I feel extremely fatigued and I have PAIN. Every single day I had pain. The bleeding stopped on Monday but I'm still having pains (today is Wednesday) I'm guessing there's a lot of inflammation going on. The worst is the pain in my hips. It makes it very difficult to sleep. I take Naproxen twice daily and it takes the edge off a bit but it really doesn't get rid of the pain.
Yesterday I had to attend a business luncheon and I really wanted to enjoy myself more and be more social but I was just so tired. The rest of the evening was tough as I fought to stay alert for my shift which ended at 9:30.
My family has been in a terrible mood since we got back. I've been quite depressed for the past few months and I've tried contacting my GP to seek treatment. It's been a major challenge just to get ahold of the office. Seems like it's always closed..
I feel stupid now for telling my gynae I was happy that my treatment was working and then having everything fall apart. I lied when I said "I'm so happy." Because I'm really not. It's hard for me to tell people that. I feel very alone. I can't talk to my family about it because I get the feeling they don't care. Or they're too busy to care. I know this isn't true but when you're sad that's just how things seem. I was in a very depressed state during the trip since we all stayed at separate places and it seemed they just "forgot" to talk to me.. Not to mention 3 of my cousins have new babies and it's a constant reminder that I may never have a family. I don't know if I'm being overly dramatic or not.. I'm just starting to feel overwhelmed with grief about everything. I feel sorry for myself and pathetic, and worst of all.. I feel worthless and I'm beginning to lose hope. I don't want to feel alone anymore and like I'm a burden on my family.

Same Song And Dance

So things were going awesome with my treatment.. I returned to the gym, started riding my bike to and from work daily, eating better, and getting healthy again.
Then BOOM! Pain.
Its been going on for a few days now. Unforgivable, nagging, absolutely frustrating pelvic pain. It feels like I'm having a period except I'm not. I passed a small blood clot and that is it. It hurts like hell when I get home from a shift at work. The pain in exercise-induced.. And painkillers will not touch it.
It's nearly 4am and I cannot sleep. The past 3 nights have been like this. I saw my specialist on the 1st and raved to him how well this treatment was working. Why am I having pain now?? It makes no sense. I lie in bed in tears because I feel so defeated. First surgery didn't work and now this doesn't seem to work anymore.. I'm still hopeful though. This shall pass. This is only my second month on this drug. I refuse to allow my pain to keep me from doing things like attending work or exercising. Call me stubborn but that's one thing I'm not doing: giving up.. Letting the disease control me.

I haven't posted in awhile because I was so focussed on my brother's death and the grief from that. I still can't talk about it without bawling. I'm learning to live with the fact that he's gone, but it still hurts. I still keep a box of tissues in my room for those nights I cry. For the first 4 weeks I think I cried myself to sleep nearly every night. I'd wake up with frog eyes.
I have pictures of him now which actually help. There's one in a frame in my living room, and one on my phone. I also got a tattoo to commemorate him. It's a half-sleeve of a Japanese-style dragon. We were both big fans of dragons and dinosaurs. When I was little, he gave me some of his toy dinosaurs, including one which was a T-Rex that had its mouth open ready to attack my leaf-eating dinosaurs.. Or my sister's Barbies.
I think of these fond memories and it makes me feel better.
I still think about my big brother every day.
I miss you..

Anyways, I need to try real hard to get some sleep because I need to be up early to go shopping before work.

Night

Loss

I'm having a hard time dealing with my brother's death. I've been encased in a black cloud of depression. I try to keep busy and then I'm ok for a little while until something sets me off.
Life just really sucks right now.
My family just goes about their daily life as if nothing changed. I'm not sure if they're in denial, trying to stay strong, or just not that sad. I have no idea. I feel like the weak one. I'm in my room most of the time, and I cry a lot. Every night I cry myself to sleep. I haven't worked since Tuesday and I'm returning tomorrow because I feel pressured to by my family. They keep wondering why I haven't gone back yet, so I called today.
I guess it'll help occupy my mind..
Let's see, I haven't seen my brother in 11 years but I missed him all those years. I hoped he would call us or e-mail or contact us somehow. I held onto the hope I'd see him again. I don't have that anymore. He was the first friend I made in life. He taught me things and influenced me in positive ways to help make me who I am today. He was a role model. The only brother I had and the only one I'll always have. I have a lot of memories about him from early childhood. It hurts he's gone. I can barely bring myself to leave the house for an hour. My family has been gone all day. They've gone to the fair. I don't get it.. Is it a distraction? I have no idea. My grandparents are out so maybe they just don't want to be sad in front of them?
It confuses me..
My pain follows me wherever I go. It never goes away.
I bite my lip a lot to keep from crying. I hold back until late at night when it's ok to cry.

Dear Big Brother

Hi,
It's your little sister. I don't know if you get letters in Heaven, or wherever you may be. I found out you left today. It hurts. I always wanted to see you. I always wondered where you were, what you were doing, and how life was treating you.
I'm going to take a guess that life wasn't that kind to you. You see, we are the same, and throughout the years we were apart I figured you probably had a hard time with things. There are events that happen in life that get engraved in our memories. They follow us wherever we go and no matter how hard we try to fight it, they continue haunting us.

I wish I could have been there for you. I want you to know that no matter how far away you were, I always loved you and I still do. You're the only big brother I've had and I cherish the memories we have. I want you to know that because during the hard times, we forget that people love us because we're in so much pain.
You see, I tried to end it all in 2008. I struggled with depression throughout my childhood and into adulthood. I let it consume me until I realized that I was hurting everyone more than I was hurting myself. It makes me sad knowing that you were probably hurting all alone. I don't know for sure but I feel like you were. Nobody should have to feel that way. Nobody should make others feel that way either. I don't know how you passed away, but please know I'm only sad because I love you so much and I miss you very much. Whatever happened, don't blame yourself. Just focus on finding peace and holding onto it. Nothing can hurt you now. I look forward to the day we meet again.. Where I can be your little sister and give you a big hug and let you know that you've been missed for. Very very long time.
I want you to smile, big brother. I will never ever forget you.

Love, your little sister.

P.S: I still have some of your Lego.

Rest Isn't Enough

Hello readers! I apologize in advance but I'm picking this day to whine!
My period ended a couple days ago (Thursday) and I'm struggling with major big time fatigue and some pain. Let's remember, I work nights now.
No matter how much or how little I sleep, whether or not I exercise, no matter how I eat: I'm exhausted.
I find myself waking up later and later every day despite going to bed earlier than normal. I just can't drag myself out of bed before 1pm.. Sometimes closer to 2pm. It makes me very sad. I no longer have time to do my favourite things.. Except yesterday I did work out for a half hour in an effort to boost my energy levels.
Today I feel completely wiped. I started my treatment Thursday but it won't take effect for a couple of weeks. I'm still in pain even though I really shouldn't be. It's on the right side and it hurts my side, back, and legs. Ibuprofen doesn't touch it. It's difficult trying to focus at work but I'm trying my best. I'm just so sick of this! When will it end? I need to whine because I am sad. I wake up, get ready for work, struggle to stay alert and focused and then I come home and go straight to bed. Nobody understands. I can't talk about how I feel with my family because they just go on about how shitty they feel. I'm not saying they don't deserve to whine either but whatever ails them will go away. Mine is forever. I just need someone to listen and understand. Not put me down or make me feel like I'm being a big baby who should just suck it up. So I stay quiet and vent on my little blog here instead.
Most of the time my family doesn't know what's going on with me. It's because I honestly don't think they care that much? I could be wrong but that's what it feels like. I'm so sad right now :(
I'm just so frustrated with having no energy and being in pain all the time and there's absolutely nothing I can do about it. I don't want people to think I'm lazy because I sleep so much. I want to be back to the way I was a little over a week ago. I had so much energy! Now I'm wasting every single day :(

I'm sorry for the negativity I just had to get all that out.

Thank you for listening.

Ten Things I Hate About Endo!!

Hi readers! It's been a rough couple of days here. I had two days off from work and wouldn't you know it? I get my period. However, I'm thankful I got it on my days off because I don't think I could have worked through that kind of pain! Yesterday wasn't so bad. It was a beautiful day and I decided to go for a bike ride. It was a lot of fun. I went to the park, did trails, rode around the neighborhood, climbed hills.. Unfortunately I was greeted at home with immense pain afterwards.. But I didn't let it get me down!
Then the next day I was extremely fatigued. I felt drained all day long and the pain was intense. I found it difficult to get out of bed. I was horizontal for most of the day, drifting in and out.. Drowsing and struggling to stay awake. Advil helped take the edge off but not as much as curling up in bed.

Which brings me to the number one thing I hate about endo. The first one is a no-brainer: PAIN! Endometriosis is all about pain. I mean, you have lesions growing inside you. Benign growths, sometimes masses, chocolate cysts, or "tumors". They bleed, they cause inflammation, scarring, adhesions and for lack of a better term "fuck shit up." I had my growths removed surgically.. However, removing endometriosis is like removing cancer: sometimes a few cells get left behind.. And they grow and form more cells until they become masses. Then you have a problem all over again.
My doctor wants to start me on continuous progestin treatment. Over the course of several months I will not get a period. The lining of my uterus will shrink. The drug will cause atrophy. This also causes endometriosis cells to shrink and become inactive.. Much like my uterus or what I like to call it: my "broken oven."
Which brings me to number two:
Infertility. After my diagnosis and surgery I continue to go through a grieving process. I went through depression already, now I'm on anger. I'm on a "I don't give a shit if I can't have kids because I don't want any" kick. However I dislike children altogether and have bitter feelings towards young couples who are starting families. Immature? Yes. Petty? You better believe it. But this is how I'm dealing with it, so let it go. This feeling will pass. It's better than denial, which I've already gone through. The whole "I'm not sick, I'm fine, I don't need drugs" bit. That didn't go over well. My endo is growing back because of that. I went through guilt already. I punished myself thinking I "deserve" this disease and isolated myself from people. I haven't bargained yet.. I don't think there's any negotiating with this illness.

Number three: This Disease has NO CURE.

That's right folks, I'm stuck with it for life. I'll take lots of drugs, have surgeries, probably end up getting a hysterectomy in the future.. And what good does it do? It's all temporary relief. There's no cure and the treatment options are pretty lousy. I'm a stronger person for having this illness though. I rarely, if ever, let it get in the way of my life. I just wish the hormones didn't have such horrible side effects..

Number Four: Fatigue
Ok the fatigue used to be number two but now it's number four because ever since I started exercising again I've had more energy.. Except for today. I used to have to drag my ass around every day. I couldn't stay awake for longer than 12 hours at a time because I was so godawfully tired as hell. During menses I feel like this. Other times I seem to be okay.

Number five: Digestive problems.

I have IBS: Irritable Bowel Syndrome AND endometriosis. When I am about to get a period, I get sick. I have stomachaches, cramping, bloating, and I have to go the bathroom more often. Not a fun time. I have to watch everything I eat so I don't get sick all the time. It's good because I eat healthy and stay trim. It sucks because I can't eat a lot of foods. It takes getting used to..

Number Six: Hormonal imbalances. These cause acne, mood-swings, temperature fluctuations (not hot flashes but sometimes I'm cold when it's not, or too warm when it isn't), my hair falls out more than it should, skin is either too oily or too dry.. So frustrating!

Number Seven: Random inflammation of my saliva glands/lymph nodes in the neck. I don't know if this is endo-related or not but it happens a lot and it sucks!

Number Eight: Water Retention: Pants fit. Pants don't fit.. Pants fit! Pants no longer fit.. Hey my pants fit! Dammit they don't fit.. Etc etc etc

Number Nine: ALLERGIES! Endometriosis will fuck around with your immune system and make you allergic to shit right out of the blue.

Number Ten: Immune function: gettin sick a lot is never fun. I combat this by eating well, resting, and exercising.

So that's ten things I hate about endo. I'm sure there's more. I tweet about them all the time :P

Lol!

Gettin Ready For Another Round

Namaste!
I have the day off from work today and I actually don't have an endless list of things I need to do today. Yahoo!
It's good because I got my "girl surprise" which every endometriosis patient dreads. I'm very tired, irritable, sore, and feeling drained. I want to be left alone to be a grouch on my own terms lol! I'm not very optimistic or friendly or bouncy during this time.
I slept a great deal last night, waking up at nearly 1 in the afternoon. Sheesh. I feel guilty about it but it's just what happens. I work nights now but I usually wake up around 11am or noon. I guess I needed my rest?
There's a great deal of things irritating me today but I'm trying really hard not to let it get to me or focus on them. I crave peace and quiet. That is all. I might go hide in the basement for a little while and play video games haha!

I have an appointment with the gynaecologist this Thursday before work. I will be starting a new treatment. I was supposed to go sooner but I held off on it because of my fears of potential side effects. I always get hit with the worst ones. Buuuut I know that the illness will only get worse the longer I leave it. I'm sure there's a treatment out there that can help me. I just don't want to be sick, feverish, achy, or nauseous from it!

I'll keep you updated.

Xoxoxoxo

M.

The Truth About Honesty

Namaste! I figured out how to get capital letters! Ok ok, it was purely accidental Lol! Anyways, now I can write better blog posts! I also have to turn off javascript on my phone to be able to post now, otherwise it goes all crazy. (Remember, I'm on a Blackberry!)
I know it's been awhile since I've posted. I've been extremely busy with my new position (which is full time!) Monday was day 7 of 7 in a row of working. Wow! I enjoy it though. It's such a fun job.
As for my pain, it's been under control. The hormone treatment I was on last month made me very sick so I had to stop. I'm currently not in treatment at this time. I exercise almost daily to control my pain now. I recently bought a bicycle to help me get around easier. It's so much fun riding a bike! I love it. I've also started going to the gym again. I'm able to afford nice things now since I got a nice raise and full time hours. It's great! Things at home could be better though. I'm going to start looking at new places in the fall. I have a boyfriend now, and he doesn't like coming over sometimes because of all the fighting and drama that goes on here. It's mega embarassing for me and makes me wanna climb into a hole.

So, todays subject isn't endometriosis, or people who can't get along because of bad tempers. It's about LYING. Now, I'm an honest person.. And I'd never do anything to consciously hurt a person. However, I am easily taken advantage of because I'm very trusting. BUT! I wasn't born yesterday. If someone lies to me, I figure it out quickly and I WILL call you out on it. So, do the smart thing: come clean. Don't bullshit people. They will see right through it, and before you know it, you're more alone than you've ever been in your entire life. Karma is instant.
Nothing angers me more than being lied to. I'd rather you disappoint me with bad news and admit you've done me wrong than blatantly lie about it. That being said, I'm very forgiving but I CANNOT forgive liars. That hurts. It insults my intelligence and strains my trust. Not cool! How can any relationship or friendship work out having sustained such a blow to the trust foundation by being pelted with lies? It can't.
So, that's my insight for today. I'm going to leave now that I've given some food for thought :)

Xoxoxo

M.

Sick Sick Siiiiiick!

i wish i had a happier blog post to make today. i also wish i could make capital letters.. hmmm so weird.

anyways.

ive gotten increasingly ill over the past few days. on friday night i was suddenly afflicted with a fever and chills. i had myself wrapped up in a thick blanket, curled up in a hooded sweater, shivering uncontrollably. my skin felt like it was burning. the next day i went to a walk-in clinic was was told i had gastritis. i was given a proton-pump inhibitor to control the stomach acids. ideally, i was supposed to feel better within a day or two. i didnt. im still having problems eating. my abdomen is tender to the touch and very sore. i feel full after a few bites of food, and i have pelvic pain similar to menstrual cramps. i feel like i have a bad case of the flu that doesnt want to go away. im miserable. i go back to work tomorrow and i know it's going to be hard. i have no idea whats wrong with me. i was sick just like this last year and the symptoms lasted 7 days. i went to the emergency room. im a little scared. i cant get anything done being sick like this. i miss work, and i miss feeling normal. im tired of waking up in the middle of the night feeling like im on fire and being drenched in sweat. my whole body aches. i really hope i feel better soon.

Cyst Update

hi! blogger wont let me capitalize letters for some reason on my blackberry so just try to ignore the grammatical error! lol!

so, the pain has migrated into my back. the first two days the pain was on the side (it alternated but was worse on the left) and i had pelvic pain in front as well. i started going to the washroom more often than usual.

now, im getting full fast and losing my appetite. i think i might have to actually call my doctor even though i dont want to. i have endometriosis. pain is now the story of my life! i have to live with that.

good grief! i wish i could make capital letters.. lol!

anyways.. im not sure what to do. had pain since sunday now. im keeping track of the symptoms because its good to have a pain journal! the back pain is most annoying when i wake up really early because of it. im tired a lot as a result.

i'll keep these updated.

Oops I spoke too soon!

A few hours after posting my blog I was overcome by severe pain on the left side. Brought me to tears. I can barely walk. After 2 Advil and 1 Tylenol I'm able to be okay at work, but it's tough. I'm definitely struggling. I'm very upset because everything was going so well. I don't know why I'm in so much pain..

:(

New Beginnings

Namaste my lovely readers! A lot of things have happened to me recently. All very GOOD things!
First off, I got promoted at work. I am currently a customer service representative but I've been promoted to supervisor! I start training THIS WEEK! Unbelievable! I owe it all to hard work and a good positive attitude.
Second: this didn't necessarily happen to me, personally, but still makes me superduperhappy: The Vancouver Canucks are in the Stanley Cup FINALS!! The last time I saw this was in 1994 when they were up against the New York Rangers. I remember being glued to the TV as a wide-eyed 8 year old cheering for Vancouver and my favourite players like Trevor Linden, Pavel Bure, and goaltender Mark Mclean. So awesome.
Another cool thing is that I got myself a brand new Blackberry gadget! It's really cool and it's fast and I can pile lots of music on it. Very fun gadget indeed!
I also got asked out on a date! Or several I guess.. By a nice boy whom I've been friends with for awhile. I haven't been asked out for almost a year so it means a lot. We'll see what happens!

My future goals are of course to continue my endometriosis treatment (no complaints about side effects yet!!) And move on with my life. Going forward. That's what it's about now. I got sick of my life as it was and worked towards a change and now I'm being rewarded. Life is great like that. I plan on moving out of the basement in my mom"s house before the end of this year. I've been unhappy here for awhile and it's time I went out on my own again. I also want to try and get a vehicle of some sort. It will take some saving up for sure though.
So that's what's new in my life right now. Here's to hoping it stays on the right path!

Love

M.

Xoxoxo

No Longer Late!

Namaste!
I got my period today!
I woke up to that all too familiar stabbing-in-the-uterus sensation. The pain was intense. Woke me right up.

Today I start day one of my hormone treatment. It's a nuva ring. I like how convenient it is, just stick it up there and go. It's cool.

I also took some Advil to help the pain. Fredders is helping too, by curling up on my feet! Lol!

I'll keep updating with how treatmeng progresses, and keep track of the side effects I experience.

Ciao for now!


Xoxoxoxo

M.

What's New With Me?

Some exciting stuff going on with me.. More depression, but not as much as before. I find I feel better when I spend only minimal amounts of time at home.

I usually leave in the early afternoon and return after everyones gone to bed to avoid conflicts.. However, I cannot hide from the written word.
It seems if any family member is angry at me because I didn't do something, or I did something wrong, I get a letter about it. Sometimes a note posted to my door, other times, an angry facebook message or text. I thought I was making everyone happier by just staying away. Apparently not.
I was home all day on Monday but nobody made a conscious effort to confront me about an issue with me closing my bedroom door. Unbeknownst to me, the cats try to "claw" their way inside my room when the door is shut. This caused conflict and resulted in a threat via written letter that I either keep the door open, or it comes off it's hinges.

Immature? I thought so.

I was dealing with my depression rather successfully for the past two weeks. I'm working towards a job promotion I think I deserve. I've worked with the same company for two years, and I have maintained excellent attendance and productivity throughout my employment. Tomorrow I have an interview.

My fear is that if I don't get the job, that I will spiral into a dark depression even worse than the one I just climbed out of. I don't take bad news lightly. In fact, I mentally beat myself up over it for months. It's bad enough my family thinks I'm a failure.

Ever since the surgery they've grown increasingly distant. Especially my mom. I have no idea why. I guess the idea that I have a "disease" is too much for them to deal with.. And it's easier to just not deal with me. I have endometriosis, but endometriosis does NOT have ME.

Instead of pursuing meaningless relationships I've decided to channel my energy into my job. Working makes me happy. It makes me feel accomplished.. It makes me feel useful. It's my only responsibility and it's one I take very seriously. I know if I work hard that I can accomplish anything. Other people seem to have a difficult time understanding that. Most 25 year old women want a husband and a baby. Not me. I've come to face reality that I'm not having a family. I've accepted that.
And I'm okay with it.

Now post-op details:
My period is 8 days late.. And my pain has mysteriously disappeared. I have the odd "ghost cramp" which feels like a mild cramp but comes and goes at spontaneous intervals. I'm anxious for it to start because when my period starts, I can start the hormone treatment.
I've had mood swings and fatigue but no other symptoms. I'm not sure if this is normal or not. I guess if it continues for another month or so I'll call my doctor.

Emotional Aftermath

Today marks exactly 4 weeks since my surgery.
I knew what to expect physically, but nobody told me what the emotional aftermath would be like.
I'm aware that many endometriosis patients suffer from depression. I'm no different. It's not uncommon to go through a grieving process after been diagnosed. All your fears of having something wrong with you are confirmed. Any flicker of hope that everything is fine start to disappear and it's time to come to terms with the fact that you have a disease that has no cure.

The worst part about endometriosis is the infertility. No matter what stage you're in, there's a chance you may never have a family. Women with stage IV are more likely to be infertile due to adhesions, scar tissue, and deep lesions damaging the reproductive organs.. But it doesn't explain the infertility in women with mild to moderate cases of endometriosis.
Some theories state that the immune system is involved somehow.. Others state that the endometriosis lesions, even the microscopic ones, release hormones that interfere with conception. Some women can only have one child.. Some can't have any.. And some become pregnant but miscarry every time.

The infertility rate is around 30-40%, making endometriosis the leading cause of infertility. About 10% of women of reproductive age have been diagnosed with endometriosis. The spontaneous abortion rate is a staggering 50%.. So those women who try for years to have children end up not being able to keep a pregnancy.
Awful isn't it?
All these numbers are swirling around my head.. The studies have been confirmed by numberous endometriosis associations. The only thing unconfirmed is why it happens.

I'm 25 years old. I'm single. I haven't been in a long-term relationship in over a year. I'm now learning that I may never have children. It's hard to communicate my feelings with people.. Especially my family as they don't seem to believe me. They're excited over all the other pregnancies going on with their friends, neighbors, and other relatives that they haven't taken much notice to my recent melancholy.

I spent the last two weeks working as hard as I can to try and forget. It works too, but as soon as I come home I'm back to where I was before. Depressed.. Unmotivated, and feeling sorry for myself. I don't like being so pathetic, but I have no idea how to handle it. All I do is think about how much I want to find someone special and have a family of my own. All I do is think about how sick I am, and what's going to happen next. I feel like nobody wants a sick girlfriend so I'm reluctant to start dating again. The last boyfriend I had broke my heart severely and blamed it on my illness.

I don't know what to do at this point. I feel very alone. I used to be so happy and optimistic, and it's evident when looking at my previous postings.
I need help but I don't know where to find it.

Surgery Update #3: Recovery is a bit slow!

Ahhh

it's been a long week. After returning to work last week I ended up being so sore I had to take another week off! I ended up having some swelling issues and the doc was worried about infection. Basically I was in a lot of pain and discomfort and peeing a lot. We did a urine culture which came out clean, and the swelling went down and I felt good again!!

Until today.

Let me remind you I had surgery in close proximity to my uterus. Well, I got my period today and it's more painful than usual. I'm due to go back to work this evening and I'm bed-ridden! I absolutely cannot take another day off. I've used up all my sick days.. So I have no choice but to suck it up and go.
Today AND tomorrow!

Also, my family was going to go on a trip for Easter in which I can no longer go. After not working this month and then paying my bills, then throwing post-op complications and this awful pain into the mix I can no longer go. I'm broke, I'm sore, and now I'm gonna ge alone for the holidays. Damn. When it rains it pours doesn't it?
I'm not about to feel sorry for myself. I'll simply just relax at home and pick up some more shifts to get some extra cash. The way things look now, it's gonna be tough figuring out what to eat next month! This upcoming paycheque will be very small.. Just a few days and some vacation pay on there. Probably won't be much more than $100 if that.

I'm a bit gloomy but I shouldn't let it get me down. I have to rest before work tonight. It's gonna get busy!

Post-Op Update #2

Namaste readers!
I am currently 9 days into recovery.

On Monday I was feeling pretty fantastic until my beloved Fred (he's my cat) jumped on my pubic incision. That was very painful, but my surgeon assured me that enough time had passed that it shouldn't have caused any damage.
Later that evening, my niece got very sick with what seems like a gastroenteritis virus. She ended up going to the hospital and spent the night in Pediatric Acute Isolation. Very scary. I barely slept that night and the following day, I was very sore. I ended up going back to work and it was challenging. As exciting it was to see everybody, I had a hard time feeling comfortable being in a sitting position for a prolonged period of time.
Today, I woke up very early. Around 4am. I went to the washroom but I had a hard time getting comfortable. I had pelvic pain above the pubic bone and above the incision which was previously squashed by kitty paws.
I woke up again at 8, went to the washroom again, and had such a difficult time falling back to sleep due to pain that I took one of my T3s. This allowed me to feel drowsy enough to sleep in 30 minute intervals. I woke myself up once by babbling in my sleep.. Then laughing about it afterwards once I was coherant enough to think about what just happened!
Around noon I got up because I wasn't high anymore and I wanted to call my surgeon. However the office was closed until 1pm.. So I was in a pickle. I had to be at work later that afternoon but I wasn't sure if I should or not. Ended up calling work anyways, and I couldn't get excused until I brought in a note from a doctor which I thought unfair because here I am.. In pain.. Just had surgery.. And now I have to run to the doctor's office for a note even though my work KNOWS I had surgery done?
So I'm very stressed out for missing work today, which is making resting very hard.
I see my doctor tomorrow. Chances are I'm just recovering slower than most people. I went to work too soon and tried doing too much too fast and ended up exhausting my body. We'll see how I feel tomorrow. I'm trying to take it easy and eat healthy foods. I'm taking pain medications to help make me more comfortable.
Since the surgery I've experienced some other unpleasant side-effects I'd like to let my doc know about. One of them is short-term memory loss. You can tell me something and I'll forget what it was literally a minute after you told me! I'm also very emotional. I cry at the drop of a hat. I also have a "brain fog" where it's difficult to focus, and sometimes I stutter like the public defender in "My Cousin Vinny". I'm also back to peeing every 20-30 minutes which is very frustrating especially when I'm trying to sleep! When I roll onto my side I feel pressure on my bladder. Doesn't matter which side either. I'm afraid to sleep on my back because of the cat.. Blahh! I hope this is over soon and I can get back to normal.
I'm so worried about getting in trouble at work because I've missed so much. Granted I booked all those days off in advance but not today. Maybe I didn't call in soon enough? I didn't want to call them when I was high on painkillers. I'm sure everything will be ok. Before all this happened, I was told that I'm a very good worker. I still am.. I just need to recover.

Surgery Update!

Namaste, followers!
I'm sorry I've taken awhile to post. After my surgery, I pretty much just rested a lot.

My diagnosis for endometriosis was confirmed. It was behind my uterus and in front of it and cauterized. I had my surgery Monday. I took a walk outside today but I got very tired afterwards. I still have some swelling and bruising and a lot of fatigue. I feel pretty gross with all the swelling.. Not to mention it's pretty gross to look at my incisions (I have two) but the relief I have is worth it all.

For starters, I no longer need to use the bathroom every 20 minutes! Yay!

I look forward to recovering faster so that I can cook, clean, work, go to the gym and do NORMAL things! Lol! Needing a nap after walking around one block is sad.. Haha! I hate feeling so useless.. I sleep a lot, as I mentioned before. I go to bed pretty early and sleep past noon.. But if my body needs rest I guess that's what I should do! I return to work on Tuesday. I hope I can handle it!

Still having some pain, especially when I wake up in the morning. I had a mild scrape in my throat from the intubation tube that has now ulcerated.. So eating certain foods is painful. I need to go do groceries so I have food for next week. My appetite isn't that great and as I said before.. I can't really cook. It's hard to bend and carry things and stand for long periods of time *rolls eyes* lol!
I hope I'm back to normal next week.

Ciao!

Xoxoxo

Green Light!

Namaste lovelings!
I saw the doctor yesterday and my cold is gone! Yay! So surgery is a go on Monday.
However, I'm struggling to get rid of a late shift I was scheduled to work the night before. I feel dumb for not booking that day off. Never assume you'll get that day off anyways.. Just book it off if you need it.
I can't imagine I'd be very productive at work, worrying about the surgery and stuff like that (that's what I do!). That would make room for error which is very bad. Don't need angry people with screwed up orders on their hands!
Also I have other things I must do.. Like I have to have a shower and wash with a special soap, and I have to stop eating at a certain time so I want to eat as late as I can so I don't wake up famished!
Unfortunately, nobody wants to work from 2:30-10:00pm.. Booo!
Help a poor sick girl out! Lol!

Also, I've been shown a lot of support from people that I wasn't expecting. My family has been awesome, and I've gotten phone calls from friends, including one I haven't spoken to on the phone for almost a year! Wow! They're all showing their support. It brings tears to my eyes! I'm so lucky to have this network of caring people. It makes me feel more at ease.

I'm still having some lower back pain, but not nearly the same calibre it was before where I was wincing to move and in tears. Now it's bearable. I want to go to the muscle store (that's the gym) today to lift as it's the last chance I'll have for awhile. Too bad it's raining.. Blah. I hate walking in the rain but it's not so bad if I wear my thick Fox hoodie. I got caught in a pissing, pouring hailstorm and it never soaked through. Amazing.

Ok I'm going to take off now!

Take care!

Xoxoxoxo

Backbreaker!

Namaste!
Holy crap!
I know I don't like to whine a lot but..


Whiiiiiiiiiine!!!

Lol!

My endo has found a new place it likes to torture me: my lower back. I woke up this morning with pain in my right hip that moved to my entire low back, with more pain (almost numbing even) going down the front of my thigh. Holy jeeeebus! It hurt so much I cried.
Surgery is scheduled for Monday, so NO anti-inflammatories or blood-thinning meds allowed. I can only take Tylenol which only helps a little bit. I'm popping Extra Strength like it's candy. It doesn't do much. This is very tough.. Especially since I'm also battling a cold which threatens to postpone my surgery. I see my GP tomorrow, hospital calls on Friday.. And hopefully: surgery on Monday.
I want this shit OUT OF MEE!

I've also been spotting today. Perhaps I'm ovulating (I thought I already did that?? Crazy body)

Anyways, back to work time (yes I'm at work during all this! I'm strengthening my inner toughness, even though I'm not too focused or too sharp right now)

*deep breaths, take more Tylenol and go upstairs via elevator*

Lol!

Bye for now!

The Welcome Wagon

Ok I have some things to get off my chest!
I went to Manitoba for a week. The trip was fantastic. I left all my problems and worries at home and as a result, I experienced very little to no pain. I only had pain on Monday because I think I may have been ovulating.

I came home on Tuesday, weary from jet lag. I had gotten up in Winnipeg at 5:30am, which at home is 3:30am. Anyone with endometriosis or IBS knows that sudden changes in person's schedule can really mess you up. My IBS flared up the most.
The change in diet (I normally eat the same thing every day and at roughly the same time) and the change in water and sleep cycle caused some very unpleasant bathroom experiences. I already pee every half hour or more depending on the amount of water I drink.. I added going to the bathroom for the "other thing" quite often too! Lol! Ouchie.
Lots of cramping, bloating, and general discomfort.
Well, I got yelled at for "spending too much time in the bathroom" by someone I live with. It made me very upset because said person knows I'm sick. The lack of understanding was very hurtful to me, and the fact that this person had to communicate the fact that I visit the toilet frequently with profanities and such a loud voice also brought me down. I've only been home for two days now and I feel very unwelcome. In fact, I feel "homesick" for a place that wasn't even my home!
I'm depressed, and unmotivated to do anything. My appetite is gone, my stomach hurts, I cry a lot.. I'm very tired. It's so unfortunate to feel unwelcome in your own home. Like a burden or an intruder. I don't like having to use the bathroom all the time either. It was especially hard while I was traveling.
I know I'm probably not a burden on my family, but it's very hard for me to ask for help. Surgery is upcoming and I'm going to need assistance. Will it annoy them if I need help with things? I honestly have no idea. I'm nervous about the post-op recovery rather than the surgery itself. My family will also be leaving for 5 days around Easter so I'll be home by myself during that time. I hope I'm okay by then.

I hope I start feeling better soon. I was so happy and energetic on my trip. I don't feel like myself at home..

Toughing It Out

Namaste!
It's been a tough 13 days! I'm sorry I haven't blogged. For the first week of March, I decided to take extra hours at work. I ended up working a 6 day week so that I have enough money to buffer the financial burden of taking time off to go to Manitoba for vacation (which was booked before my surgery was) and then time off for surgery/recovery.
I've been overworked, over-stressed, and in a lot of pain needless to say.
I celebrated my birthday on the 8th, and struggled. I had to get some chores done beforehand like grocery shopping and I couldn't believe how exhausted I was. I had a really good day, but I was just dragging my feet because of how tired I was. I was like that for most of the week.

Then a few days ago, the bloating started. My belly puffs out a lot and I sometimes look pregnant. I hide under baggy sweaters and wear yoga pants so it doesn't put pressure on my tender belly. I've also had sharp pain in my ovaries (left one mostly) and the pain goes down my left leg. I've also had what feels like menstrual cramps. I take my Advil every 4 hours but it only takes care of some of the pain.
I'm nervous to be going on a trip in 3 days cuz I haven't travelled as an "endometriosis patient."
I'm worried about being in pain, I'm worried about finding restrooms since I go so often.. I'm worried about getting sick!
I need to RELAX!
I'll be okay.

I really need this vacation. Visit friends. Have fun. Forget about work, surgery, and at-home drama. That's the whole point of "going away" right??

I hope I feel better soon.

I go to the hospital tomorrow morning/afternoon for my pre-surgical clinic. I get to pee in cups. Yay! Lol!

Goodnight lovies!

No Room For Negativity!!

Namaste lovies!!
Its been a bit of a moody week. I've had a very annoying cold for about two weeks now. The one with the cough, stuffy nose, and kermit voice! Yup! Still got it! It's a bit daunting, as it sometimes keeps me awake at night. The cold is screwing with my ability to think clearly, and sometimes, I have to take medicines so I can breathe better but unfortunately, cloud my focus..
it was brought to my attention today that I sounded "drunk" Lol!
I rarely drink alcoholic beverages.. Must be that cough medicine! Be careful! Read labels.

The downside is I haven't been to the gym since I came down with the cold.. This has also affected my mood. I've also been in pain and I've experienced some hormonal fluctuations.. It feels like I'm ovulating but I can't be because I just finished menses last week. I experienced what felt like ovulation pain 2 days after my period ended. Last night I ended up with a coughing fit which left both ovaries in pain. It felt like something inside me was being pulled and even walking was difficult. I was at work when this happened. Took two Advil and kept going!
Perhaps I'm a martyr.. But I prefer to think I enjoy distraction.

Some exciting news: March is Endometriosis Awareness Month! March 7th to 14th is International Endometriosis Awareness Week! On the first day of March, wear a yellow shirt to show your support.. Or perhaps a yellow ribbon!
Not enough people know about this disease and how it affects those who suffer from it. It's a common illness, affecting anywhere between 5-10% of women during their reproductive years. Maybe with enough support and awareness, we can find a cure!

I'm currently experiencing one of the most frustrating aspects of endometriosis: a suppressed immune system!! Hence why I've been sick with a cold virus for so long.
I hope I get over it soon.

Some other exciting plans for March: I'm going on a trip! Yup! To Manitoba to visit some dear friends of mine. My best friend used to live there but recently moved to Australia. I was very sad about this, but didn't talk about it much.. I'm still determined to go and have fun. I wish I could see my best friend, but that will have to wait for another time. Meanwhile, we will keep in touch!

It's also my birthday on the 8th, but I'm not really excited about it. I tend to get a little depressed around my birthday.. I think because I'm not where I thought I'd be in life. Don't get me wrong, I love my job.. But its not a career.. I also can't live off it.. So I have no assets, and I live in the basement of my mom's house and pay $300 a month for rent. It's all I can afford.
I figured I'd be married by now, maybe even have kids. I'm single, and may never even have kids in the future. I haven't even dated in several months. No time really.
That's ok. I'm not feeling sorry for myself. I'm just saying: this isn't what I had planned. Nobody plans on a recession, or going to the wrong college, or getting sick. It just happens. They're hurdles in life. If shit didn't happen, I wouldn't be as nearly as strong as I am today!

What doesn't kill you makes you stronger.

In any case, March will be an exciting month! Also April, with upcoming surgery. I'm making plans as to which video games I want to play during my recovery! Heeheehee :3

I'm also hoping for warmer weather, and an end to dry skin/eczema! *scratch scratch scratch*

Lol!

Goodnight, readers!


Xoxoxo

M.

Hopes, Dreams, and Acceptance

Namaste!
I'm writing to you from the comforts of my warm bed!! Such a luxury!! :)

I'm in a bit of pain though, so I'm not feeling too warm and fuzzy at the moment. It started about an hour or two ago on my right side.. It's like the pain I get when I ovulate but not as intense. It's still bothersome though.
I just ended my period yesterday.. It's odd for me to have this pain now.
Just more questions that will have to be answered after my surgery. I'm kinda glad I'm getting it now. Last night I couldn't sleep because of anxiety.
I'm over the whole scarring issue.. I just worried about my financial situation last night. Not even thinking about the positive things. First of all: I will know for certain what is wrong. How much endometriosis there is, how much damage was done, and how to treat it further after surgery.
Secondly: I'll be in less pain. No more curling up in bed holding my belly and grimacing in pain. No more tears.. No more cancelling events or calling in "sick" at work because of severe pelvic pain. No more popping pain medications like candy and getting frustrated when they don't work. No more being woken up by seering pain in the middle of the night..

I'm fully aware endometriosis comes back.. But at least I'll be pain-free for awhile and figure out an effective treatment plan for the future.
Last night I had this awful dream that I woke up from surgery and the doctor told me I had severe endometriosis - stage IV, and that I'd never have children, and that it was "everywhere".. On my bladder, bowel, ovaries, fallopian tubes and behind the uterus. In my dream they had to cut it all out and they operated on me for a long time. It seemed so real..

Definitely not something I should think about before bed! Lol!

Every month the pain gets worse and I know that the disease is spreading and causing more problems.. I need this surgery for that reason. I will be okay.. If I fall behind on my bills a little bit, I can make more money and pay them back. If I get a few scars, that's okay. I can live with that.. I don't want to be sick all the time and always in pain. I want to enjoy life.

I'm going to take some pain medications and try to sleep. My right side hurts a lot now.. It's radiating into my hip, and down the front of my leg sometimes.

The most annoying part about this illness?? My bladder. Last night I had to pee every 20 minutes (I timed it) and this lasted for an hour and a half. I didn't get to sleep til after 2am. The only thing I drank was a small cup of juice with my multivitamin last night at around 11:30pm.

Now I have to take a pill again and drink water with it! Ahhh my bladder won't like that! Stupid annoying thing!

Wish me luck!

Goodnight!

Xoxoxo

M.

Doctor's Appointment + update

Namaste!
Today's appointment went well. I told my gynaecologist that I want to do the laparoscopy (and I also learned how to say it properly and how to spell it! Lol!)

I had to sign a bunch of things and check through a bunch of things. You know, diabetes, cancer, heart problems, whether or not I smoke, and list of my prescription drugs etc.
I also signed a consent form that if I start bleeding to allow them to slice me open and/or do a blood transfusion.

I also booked a date.

My surgery will be April 4th.

The doc explained that they'll make an incision in my belly button and if they find endometriosis, they'll make a few more incisions so they can remove it.

There's a chance I could bleed, get an infection, lose an ovary, etc etc. And I'm worried about one thing: scarring.

I'm worried I'm going to get poked with holes and have dents like a fender bender. How vain is that??
A lot of men my age want women to be perfect. If they see my scars, they might get freaked out. If they find out my ovaries don't work, they can't "deal with it". They get angry and frustrated because I'm celibate due to the fact that I refuse to partake in sex because it hurts. Some of them think I'm too fat, too thin, too pale or my boobs or too small.
Then I'll have poke-hole scars to go with that??

Shit.

I shouldn't let that bother me, but I do. Most of my paranoia is in my head anyways I'm sure.
I only dated one guy who thought I was damaged goods because I have "a disease". He put me down so much and he was really the only guy who did..he did it all AS he was dumping me! Nobody else had ever treated me so badly..But it hurt so much. It hurt so much that I haven't dated since.. Even if I'm attracted to someone I can't muster up the courage to tell him because I fear rejection.
I feel I have nothing to offer to anyone.

I need to stop feeling that way.

Not all men just want some young hot chick to hit the sheets with. Not all men want kids either.. And not all men are shallow and superficial. I can't let one bad relationship ruin my views on the male gender. That's not fair.

There's someone out there for me :3
Someone else who likes stupid Youtube videos, lolcats, SNFU, and Nintendo. Someone who is nice and smart and makes me laugh and understands my weird sense of humour. Most of all, someone who likes me for ME!

Anyways, I have to go. I'll pour out my bleeding broken heart later lol!!

I'm such a dork.

Bye!

Xoxo

Good Morning, Mother Nature!!

Namaste!!
To all my male readers, you may wanna skip reading this post!

Cover your eyes!

It's about..


Dun!

Dun!

Dun!

MY PERIOD!!

I must keep track of them. I was pain-free most of the day but now, at 1am, I am now in pain.. And for some reason, I have terrible gas. Wtf did I EAT??? Sheesh! I think my IBS is acting up too. *gurglegurglegurgle*

Good thing I'm sleeping alone, lovies! I don't even think my cat would wanna cuddle me now! And he's pretty stinky! Haha!

Let's see.. I had a spinach salad, red pepper, mushrooms, and a balsamic vineger/olive oil dressing. I eat this almost every single day without an issue. What gives??? Hormones. I keep telling myself it's hormones.
Just like the cramps!
I took an Advil to help ease the pain. The first night of my period is often one of little sleep. I also have to keep going pee despite cutting off my liquid consumption several hours before bedtime!! Grrr.
Then there's the cold which I still have. Sore throat, cough, stuffy nose goodness. All these problems always happen at once.. Like last month when I got the flu and then my period right after! Lol!
Is this supposed to happen?
I sure hope not.

My niece has also been sick which means sleepless nights for everyone. Cranky toddlers are very vocal when they are sick. She's been doing well today though. She sounds like Peter Brady going through puberty! Lol! She sounds funny and she knows it. She'll just randomly make a loud noise just to laugh at herself. Sounds like something I would do! Hahaha!
Since we're both sick we can make funny noises together.

I sound very funny when I'm sick, my voice going from extreme highs to extreme lows with some squeaks in between. It makes my job interesting. Talking for 6 and a half hours today was very trying on my tender throat and I am without a voice entirely right now.
However, my chattering monkey mind won't let me rest so I am just texting like a maniac, and blogging too. I have been overcome with this desire to communicate and tell fart jokes.

Speaking of farts there is this guy on Twitter.. No lie.. And he goes by the name "Fart Robot". Everytime tweets about farts he will "re-tweet" with the words "FART ROBOT APPROVES"

I cannot get enough of it!!

Yes, readers, I'm a twelve year old inside!
I have a Snoopy keychain and Hello Kitty pajamas. I am not ashamed.

You know what else I can't get enough of? Fisherman's Friends!!!

They don't do much, because my package is from a year ago.. And it's lost it's potency. It's basically just cherry candy now.
I like the original ones with the eucalyptus oil. Helps ya breathe better!! Maybe it's eating so many cough candies which is making my tummy mad??
It's not food after all.

Anyways I really should try to relax and rest so that I can get over my cold and back in the gym where I belong!

Night night!! Sleep tight!
Don't let Twitter keep you up all night! Lol!

Xoxoxo

M.

It's Not Over Yet!!

Namaste readers!
I find myself in better spirits today.
the title of this blog "It's Not Over Yet" may leave you thinking "what's not over?"

WINTER! Cold season! Coughing, sneezing, sore throats and red noses! Blahhh!
I seem to have become afflicted with a cold somehow. I eat healthy, sleep on average 8-9 hours a night, take my vitamins, go to the gym twice a week and I get SICK!
I know it's not fair. Crappy immune systems are common in women with endometriosis apparently.. As is chronic fatigue, allergies, and tummy problems.
I'm drinking tea, eating fruit, taking zinc, and resting for now even though I went to the gym earlier today.
I gotta keep the routine going!!
The worst part is the sore throat. I can deal with a stuffy nose but I need my voice because my job is TALKING!!
Bleh.. I can't afford anymore sick days. I missed a week last month from the flu, and next month I'm flying out to Manitoba for a week.. Then I have to get my surgery eventually. Losing those hours means less money for bills and things that MUST be paid!! I also like to have some spending money for fun.
This past week I've been spending too much!!
I bought some things I don't need, went out for dinner and drinks, and just wasn't responsible. I can't be doing that.
At least I bought some healthy foods and whatnot first!

Anyways..

I'm going to rest up and eat some healthy healing foods so I can feel better to start my work week tomorrow.

I'm crossing my fingers that I don't get a fever!!

Xoxoxo

M.

A Lesson In REALITY

I keep feeling crummy.
Not everyday, mind you, but I can't help but let my mind wander when it comes to the realization that I have endometriosis.

I've decided to do the surgery. I'm scared of what they'll find in there, but not as afraid or as anxious I would be not knowing.
Not knowing, to me, is worse. I want to know how bad it is, and how it affects my future.
I want to know if I can have kids or not.

In less than a month I'll be 25. I've had symptoms for 2 years. I'm single right now too. A lot of endometriosis patients are told to start their family as early as they can. After all, there is a 40% infertility rate among patients. Miscarriage risk is high too.. Not to mention ectopic pregnancies which can be life-threatening.
Needless to say, not a lot of women with endometriosis are having kids beyond their mid-20s. The disease starts in the early 20s usually, and starts spreading, growing, and destroying.
I have to face a reality that I may never have children. I don't think I'm going to meet a guy, get married, and be ready for kids before 28. By then it might be too late. It might even be too late now, I don't know.

Every time I'm with women who have kids (which is every woman in my family except myself, and most of my female friends, and friends of the family, and my neighbors) I get depressed. I can't help myself.. What if I can't have kids?? And most of the time these women seem uninterested in talking to me because they want to talk about their families and well.. I don't have one.
Why listen to what the single woman without children has to say? She's don't nothing important with her life. *rolls eyes*

I don't have a choice in the matter.. But I'm not about to blurt out "I'm single because I have a disease destroying my reproductive organs!" Just so people will stop asking me why I don't have kids or a boyfriend.

Most of the people I talk to don't know what endometriosis is. I tried sending links to endometriosis.org (which has really educated me and made me not feel so alone) to my family members but nobody will take the time to read it.. I'm told they're "busy".. But it really only requires 5-10 minutes of reading. A lot of it is in point-form too, like the symptoms for easy reading.

Which brings me to my next fear:

What if nobody believes me?

That's ok, as long as my doctor does. I just want support from my family. I don't expect them to understand.. But I want them to know what this illness is I have and try to learn about it so they know why I'm tired, or in pain, or irritable. I want them to be there if I need them. Most of the time, I just need someone to talk to..


Thanks for reading.

Xoxox

M.

Doctor Day!

Namaste my faithful readers.
Today was my big appointment.

The gynocologist's verdicts was: endometriosis.

I have two choices.

1: get surgery and confirm the diagnosis + treatment at the same time or

2: hormone therapy to see if it helps the pain/shrinks the lesions.

I'm really not sure what to do! I don't know which option is the best.. Both are risky. Surgery is risky for obvious reasons.. I'm opposed to hormonal treatment too. I always get stuck with every side effect in the book!!

I cried after my appointment. Part of me hoped I was fine.. And that the pain would go away on it's own eventually. Knowing I most likely have endo reminds me of all the other horrible things that come with it. Progressing pain, infertility, cancer risk increase..
It's a lot to think about.

I'd like to hear some input from you guys!
Especially if you also have endometriosis.
What do YOU think???

Leave a comment!

My next appointment is Feb 22. I have until then to decide.

Xoxoxo

M.

The Name Of The Game Is PAIN!

Good morning!!
I have popped in to say a few things.
One is: I'm in pain right now. It started around 7:30. Started with a little nausea and then came the ovarian pain. Started on the right side and radiated into my hips and lower back. Then the left side got its turn: same deal, and then the pain went down my leg. I could barely sit in my chair. I've taken so many over-the-counter pain medications with very little relief provided.
I'm sad. I feel defeated. I've done so well.. I go so far as to say I'm spoiled for enjoying two weeks of no pain. Now it's as if that pain was just building up to bombard me on one day!!
I remain optimistic.
I finished my shift and did what I needed to do.
I'm just exhausted now. Irritated..
Not enjoying this!!
The right side hurts more than the left but the whole pelvis hurts really. It hurts to touch my swollen abdomen.. At least, it seems like it is swollen. Maybe it's just tender..?
Stupid ovaries!!

I hope I feel better in the morning. I have a big day. I filled it with plans of adventure!! I will tackle the day with love in my heart.

Goodnight.

Xoxoxo

M.

I Love Me Some HEAVY LIFTING!!

Namaste lovelies!!! Guess what? This is my first blog post I'm writing from a COMPUTER!!
That's right.
I'm also writing in the middle of the afternoon. Another first for me. Usually I write late at night, from the comforts of my bed with my blackberrygadget. Today I decided that it would be nice to write from a PC for a change. Faster typing!
Today is chaotic.
I find myself becoming easily irritated. I've started training again, and training HARD! I joined a gym the other day in fact! It heightens my mood considerably, but I accidently overdid my legs by doing an intense leg workout one day, and then running the next! OOPS! As you can imagine, I'm walking very funny. Starched-underwear-walk kinda funny. Like Frankenstein's monster.
My own fault.
I didn't intend to go running, I had forgotten my wallet at home and had to run back to grab it and then run back to the store to finish my purchase! Haha!! It was terribly embarrassing, but I impressed people with my speed! I still have it! I just.. get sore now.. Haha!

The pain in my legs is only rivalled by the pain in my OVARIES! It's that time again, time for ovulation. Usually I'm in pain for a few days up until I actually ovulate, where I'm in considerably more pain.. then I take some painkillers and wait for it to pass. The whole ordeal lasts about a week. I usually get nauseous too, and some moodswings. Exercise is helping me with the moodswings. The pain isn't as intense either, but it could just be my muscle aches distract me! Haha!
Next week I go to my first gynecologist appointment! I'm a little scared, and nervous. I guess because I anticipate a pelvic exam which are extremely painful for me. I've also been working a lot. Last night I closed. It was fun! However, it's difficult for me to stay up that late! Haha!

Also, this month is Valentine's Day! Since I don't have a date, or anyone who even seems interested in going on a date with me, I'm gonna spend February 14th loving.. MYSELF!! (Not like that you dirty birds!!!)
I'm gonna eat chocolates and play Nintendo most likely.. Or go to the gym. I love the gym. It's my favourite place.. and more slimming than eating chocolates and playing Nintendo! LOL!
I've noticed that as a single person I've become quite content. I enjoy being selfish with my time. I get to decide what I wanna do, and what I wanna watch on TV, and what I wanna eat for dinner. Nothing like babycarrots and hummus and some Colbert Report! YUP YUP! And my spinach salads.. That reminds me.. I have to go to the grocery store! EEP!

Talk to you later lovies! And remember to love yourself!!

xoxoxoxo

M

Self Awareness, Self Reflection..

Namaste lovelies! I trust you are all curled up in a snuggly, warm, cozy place right now as I am! It's another late night pour moi and I am blogging via my Blackberrygadget from the comforts of my own safe place -- my futon, wearing my fuzzy PJ's and my T-shirt which has DIRT BIKES on it! Yay! Lol!

I've finished my "P-word" lol! I distracted you with dirt bikes and then jump right into the period talk! So sorry!! Hahaha!
Anyways, my moods have stabilized, the pain is gone, and I can resume to being normal for another 2 weeks until ovulation pain starts!
My moodswings were hard to control this month. I actually drove one friend potentially crazy with my indecisiveness and to be blunt -- bitchy attitude!
To my special friend: I am very sorry for my behaviour. I know I've told you what is going on, and you read my blog, but it doesn't excuse the way I acted. I hope you forgive me.
I ended up telling my friend to talk to me more, and when he did, I told him it was annoying. How stupid! Who does that? Hormonal-crazy-weird. people like ME! That's who!! Just as bad as me breaking down in tears for no reason. Just about every night I would just think of something and cry. It didn't have to be sad, necessarily. I would just start crying. It was dumb! Stupid emotional/hormonal fits of FEELINGS! Sheesh!
I've come to the conclusion that if I am menstruating, that I need to just be alone for a few days with my music! If only it were that easy!

Today, on my last day, I had a case of the giggles. I was laughing all day and a little chatty. I found a magazine about dogs and on the 2nd page there were photos of little babydogs wearing jackets and little Christmas outfits. I thought it was so cute. I just kept smiling and giggling and gushing over these little dogs in the photo!! I smile just thinking about it.
I need more days like THAT!

It wouldn't be the first time my hormonal crazies got me in trouble with a friend. I've gone nutso on a few and one of them stopped speaking to me for months. We just stopped getting along. I never fully understood what the hell was going on with me until recently, and I'm starting to recognize the patterns better with my symptoms.
Now that I've seen a few doctors who have helped explain what is happening with my body, I can now start explaining to people that I can get irrational, emotional, and make absolutely no sense some days. If the pain isn't driving me crazy, it's the emotional changes coinciding with hormonal fluctuations. I am hoping that this information can help prevent me from driving people away that I care about.

The friend that I was on non-speaking terms with for several months said "hi" to me the other day and asked me how I was. It was completely unexpected, after all, I had acted like a complete shithead.
Even just a short exchange of words made the awkward silence not so awkward anymore. I'm not sure what made my friend suddenly decide to say "hi", but I'm glad. I felt a lot of shame before, and maybe I can forgive myself for that now.

For all my friends, old or new, whether we speak to each other on a regular basis or not, I wish each and every one of them the very best.

I've come to grips with the fact that I'm not "normal" and I may never be normal. Since I'm not receiving any particular treatment right now, I haven't had to deal with any side effects.. Like the 2 month nausea thing. Although I did lose 2 inches around my hips that I'm happy about! Lol!
Anyways.
I hope that with the continuation of a healthy diet and exercise that I can be stronger, and more emotionally stable.

And to my friend: I miss you very much. I'm sorry for being so weird this past week. If you see this, please know that I wish I could give you a big hug and a chocolate chip cookie. I will try super hard not to be crazy, as you're one of the few people I can talk to openly about my condition.

I feel like I've really put myself "out there", but I'm taking responsibility for my actions, and that means admitting that I was wrong. We all make mistakes. Let's all learn from them shall we?

Goodnight lovies! I cherish each and every one of you!

Bon nuit!
Arrivederci!
Sayanora!!

Xoxoxoxo

M.

Sleepy Time??

Namaste my friendly readers!!
Another late night for me unfortunately.. Due to reasons that are beyond my control, but that is not what tonight's blog is about!

Tonight's blog is about FATIGUE! Relentless, unforgiving, persistant fatigue. Last week I was sick with the flu, just in time for me to start menses! (Yes boys, I am talking about my period. I am sorry.. :P)
Yay!
So I am guessing that's what is causing my fatigue since it happens every month at exactly the same time.
I haven't had much cramping like I did last month.. Last month was very painful and I experienced sharp pains every single day until it was over. Nope. This month there is very little cramping.

I got migraine headaches instead! Ohh I can't tell you how challenging work is when you stare at a computer all day long while talking, and you have brain pain. The words on the screen start to move around in circles and get blurry. Between calls I put my face in my hands and closed my peepers to give them a much needed break.
That coupled with the fatigue makes me worry about my job performance. I had a "quality review" last Wednesday actually, on the 12th where I was actually feeling under the weather and scored 100%!! I can do this job in my sleep (sometimes I do.. At home though.. In my dreams! Lol!)
I should be okay.

I reluctantly had to change my availability so that I don't work past 10pm. I am so very tired all the time. Nothing helps. I tried sleeping more. I tried sleeping less. I tried coffee, protein shakes, fresh water, raw foods, and vitamins.. Anything to get my energy back up! It won't.. I'm still keeping my workouts consistant though! Exercise can improve energy (just not for me! Lol!)

I'm hoping my migraines and chronic fatigue go away when my period does (oops! There's that "P" word again! Sorry boys! Lol!)

I have an appointment with a gynaecologist on Feb 8th. It's a good thing I started this blog so that I could keep track of everything eh? I think there was something else I wanted to mention but I'm so tired I don't remember what it was.. Anyways..
I'm going to lay down and try to get some sleep. I hope it gets quiet soon.. (Very noisy house right now)

OH!
I remembered what it was..
My appetite! It is CRAZY right now! Maybe cuz of the workouts?? I'm not sure, but I want to eat stuff ALL THE TIME. Unfortunately I crave foods I shouldn't be eating.. Like pizza, and I'm on a cookie craze right now. I can't seem to get enough cookies.. My sister is baking chocolate chip cookies and just thinking about them makes my mouth water.. Baking is her specialty!!

Om nom nom nom

Ok goodnight lovies!! Hahaha!!

Xoxoxo

M.

Into The Fire!!

Good morning, lovies! I'm sorry I have not posted in awhile. Unfortunately the old saying "no news is good news" doesn't apply here today :(
This week has been a toughie for me, and I've been trying to overcome the obstacles put in front of me. Namely, this naughtyfever that started Thursday night!
It all started with a typical cold. Stuffy nose, sore throat, and maybe a little cough. That was Wednesday. On Thursday it became accompanied by fever and chills, but with my stubbornness, optimism, and some Advil, I managed to subdue the symptoms long enough to return to work on Friday.
I swear, I was fine on Friday! I was very energetic at work and except for a little tightness in the throat, I was ok. I CONVINCED myself I was ok.. Again, with some stubbornness, optimism, and Advil.

This morning however..
The fever is back with an even more sore throat (infection perhaps??) Bodyaches and something else I dread. Abdominal pain.
Abdominal pain + fever means doctor's visit. When doctor's find out you have a fever AND abdominal pain, it usually means hospital. Last July I had this issue and had to undergo numerous tests to rule out infections/appendicitis/gallbladder issues/cancer/you name it.
I'm hoping that if this is a repeat from July that they won't have to do all that. Just skip it because my tests were all negative! They just found a suspicious mass on my ovary, and I'm pretty sure I had the flu or something.

My motto has always been "go big or go home" (bodybuilding term hehehe) and unfortunately the same motto goes for viruses/bacteria that enter my body!!
I'm very upset that I have to miss more work to see a doctor because I have a stupid fever and stupid abdominal pain (which can best be described as a sharp, sudden pain that shoots laterally across my navel). I do not know what that means.. I'm sad because the last place I want to be when I'm sick is a doctor's office or an emergency room!!
It's probably nothing serious like last time.
I'll keep you guys posted!!

Peace out! Ciao! Au revoir!


Xoxoxoxo


M.

Return Of The Forbidden Dangerbelly

My stomach growls.
My stomach turns.
My stomach hurts.
My stomach burns!

My tummy spins
My brow is sweaty
The room is twirling
I think I'm ready..


To go home because I don't feel good and I wanna curl up in my bed and hug my stuffed animals!

Namaste! I hope you like my sad little poem! Lol! I am regretfully leaving work early because of NAUSEA! What a let down! I think I mentioned it before but I love my job. I spend more waking hours there than anywhere else. I have friends there, I laugh, I smile, I have good times.. Sometimes I get sad when I have to take two days off!
Ovulation and nausea sometimes go hand-in-hand because (I think) of the rise in estrogen levels. I am speaking frankly of course.. Since I heard that estrogen = nausea from a pharmacist once and I don't really have any factual proof.
Soooo
I ovulated yesterday, and today I get dangerbelly. So disappointing! Normally ginger tea is enough to keep it at bay, but I had 2 cups at work and nothing was helping. I mean NOTHING!
I need to focus on my job to perform efficiently and accuracy, and when the room spins and my belly aches, it's hard to do that.
So, I shall go home and rest up and perhaps have a small serving of applesauce when I'm ready to negotiate food.
Tomorrow I'm gonna seize the day! I won't let dangerbelly get me down!!

Om mani padme hum

Lovelovelove

Xoxoxo

KEEP GOING!!!

M.