The Other "F" Word

I haven't told many people about this, but when I saw my gynae earlier this month I said the "F" word. No no not THAT one!
Fertility.
It affects every woman with endometriosis. It also doesn't matter which stage you're in. 40% of women with endo are infertile. 35% of infertile couples who seek treatment are diagnosed with endometriosis. Women with this disease also have difficulties with fertility treatments, and a lot of them seem to make no difference in the ability to conceive. The only treatments that seem to stand a chance are IVF and IUI.
Women with endometriosis also have a higher risk of miscarriage. A much higher risk apparently. I have met some women online who struggle to have a family and they try so hard, harder than anyone else I've ever known. They are determined, strong, and incredibly brave women and I admire each and every one of them.

My doctor told me that because I have endometriosis, my fertility is affected. If I want children, more surgery is indefinite, and to increase my chances, it's imperative that I stay in treatment (the treatment that is supposed to stop my periods) until I'm ready to try and get pregnant.
No matter what, when the time comes, it will be a battle. I will have a hard time. I have ovulation problems as well which make it harder, and unbalanced hormones.
The reason I'm worried about this is because I'm completely 100% single and I'm 25.5 years old. Infertility increases with age and I'm nowhere near being in the position to start trying for a baby anytime soon.

When I was on my vacation, I couldn't help but notice that everyone in my family is either married or has a baby. All my cousins are starting families right now. Ok except one.. But he's a guy and he doesn't have the pressure on him to reproduce like I do. My family is very child-oriented. I think I've mentioned before that they tend to not pay attention to the family members who haven't procreated yet. I haven't told them about my problems.. I've talked to my mom about it and I always end up bawling and she says "don't worry, you'll have children, even if you have to adopt". I know she's trying to make me feel better but it doesn't. I feel like I only have a short time before I reach the point where I have to accept that I'm never going to be a mom. Meeting all my cousins' beautiful children was a privilege and I just want that so bad.. I want to be married and have a baby and a house and a dog and be happy. I feel very lonely these days because I've been working so many nights. At the same time I don't want to date because I have a difficult time finding someone who accepts me and my illness, or someone that I can even fall in love with. I was in a very committed relationship that ended nearly two years ago and even though so much time has passed, I'm not over that person.. And it seems that I just push everyone away that I date. I feel like such a wreck. I'm really depressed and I cry all of the time. I just want to move on in life and I can't. I feel trapped and I wonder if I'll ever be happy.. It seems hopeless some days. After losing my brother and grieving it makes everyday things get me down and this shit with this stupid illness I'm stuck with make it too hard to deal sometimes.
I wish I could escape somehow but at the same time, I cannot lose hope. I think about suicide sometimes but I lost my brother that way.. And I can't do that to the people I love. I can't leave them behind. As frustrating as life is right now, I have to keep going. I've been on the crisis line and found some help on their website but I think I need some professional help? I'm becoming absolutely obsessed with my fertility because I don't know and my doctor doesn't know if I'll ever have children. I have the worst case of baby fever and just a couple months ago, I accepted the fact that if I'm infertile, it's fine and I didn't want kids. Why I suddenly do, I don't know. It's stupid. Maybe it's the hormones I'm taking?