The Doctor's Verdict

Alrighty,

I didn't write about my doctor's appointment yesterday because to be honest, I was quite upset. I had quite the restless night letting my thoughts run wild and only got about 6 hours of crappy quality sleep. It was a very emotionally draining evening that turned into an emotionally draining day. I keep telling myself that it's not a big deal, it's not life-threatening, and I need to stop making such a big deal about it but I can't help but feel overwhelmed.

The doctor told me that I probably have Interstitial Cystitis, which is about every bit frustrating and painful as endometriosis. It also has no cure. He's written a letter to a urologist requesting a cystoscopy. It's a procedure that will involve me being sedated, and then they will apply a local anesthetic to my urethra, and then SHOVE A FREAKIN' CAMERA IN THERE. My bladder is not a filming location for a TV show! AHH. This is so totally gonna hurt isn't it? Or at the very least, feel really really weird. I've been seeking other women who have endometriosis and IC and they've all experienced different things with the cystoscopy. Some had it hurt so bad they needed to be knocked out. Some were just uncomfortable.. So, I'm really not sure what to expect. I have a pretty high pain tolerance, considering that I'm in pain daily and just deal with it. I've been really bitchy though for the past few weeks due to lack of sleep because I wake up anywhere between 1-3 times a night to pee. Last night was actually awesome because I was so underslept the night before that i went to bed earlier, and then only woke up once to go. Fantastic. It's about time that I had a good sleep!
So, as a result I am less bitchy today.

With the progesterone treatment though, I'm back down to 10mg. I was just in so much pain with the double dose that I just went back down on my own last Sunday. I don't remember if I mentioned this the last entry or not.. If I did, I apologize for repeating myself!
It's just as well, since the pharmacy screwed up my prescription anyways. The double dose increased side effects too.. And I've got bleeding gums and my face broke out in acne a little bit. Also I have hair on my face.. Eww. I was rubbing my top lip yesterday going "OH MY GOD I'M GROWING A MOVEMBER!" Lol! Today I pulled out all my chin hairs.. Yuck. I'm so womanly and sexy.

What I don't understand is why my bladder symptoms went away after my laparoscopy.. and then suddenly returned. I guess that infection I thought I had wasn't actually an infection at all? It never was proven after all.. I did 2 urine tests and both were negative but I couldn't produce urine during my first doctor's appointment at the first onset of symptoms.
I will never know what made me so bloody sick.

So, today I'm gonna treat myself and go out with my sister and we're gonna go shopping for a bit. I like the mall. I know where all the bathrooms are.

Hahaha bye for now!

Xoxoxoxo

Pain Management

Namaste!!

So, today (ok yesterday now.. Remember, I'm a nightowl now because of my night job) I didn't have to take any prescription pain medication! I didn't even take over-the-counter pain medication. Yaaay!

I decided to go back down to 10mg of medrozyprogesterone. I woke up yesterday morning around 9am and I had such severe pain that I was curled up in a ball in bed for an hour. I could not lay still and I could not get comfortable. It was terrible. I couldn't take my pain meds because if I take them without food, they will destroy my stomach. I was awake for about an hour before Fred laid against my hurtie parts and his body-heat and purrs eased my pain and my heart <3
So I slept until 1:30 in the afternoon.. Sheesh.. Lately, I've been so physically and mentally wiped out from pain that it's hard to think!! I've been walking like a cripple for the past week and a half.. No more! I will tell my doctor this Thursday that my symptoms worsen with increased dosage of this medication. My bladder symptoms worsened too. On Saturday I walked to work.. I went to the washroom before picking up my prescription at the pharmacy.. Walked for about 20 minutes and felt like I was gonna pee my pants!! The pressure was terrible and so I made a beeling for work and went straight to the washroom. I could not hold it. After relieving myself, I was in a lot of pain. It felt like burning.. Like when you get a UTI almost.. The urgency is terrible. Today I did much better. Less bladder pressure; less trips to the bathroom.
Thank God.
It is so embarrassing that I cannot do a simple thing like walk to work.. Go to the bathroom at a restaurant halfway to work, and then before I get to my destination: have to piss like a racehorse again. What the efffffff!???

There are some other things bothering me that are more personal but I won't get into that. It involves me doing a favour for a friend and said friend not appreciating it.. It's causing a bit of friction.. Anyways! I'm looking forward to two days off from work! Yay! I plan on doing laundry and hopefully going to the gym with a different friend (who appreciates me and everything I do almost as much as I appreciate him!)
I will update some more on Thursday after my doctor's appointment.

Night night!

-M

Things That Keep Me Strong

I have to remember those words "Keep going!"
For awhile there I was so overcome with grief that I forgot to tell myself to keep going. I still thing about my brother every day.. And I still wish I could've said goodbye. I keep a photo of him in the living room and look at it all the time. It keeps me going.

There are also many inspirational people in my life right now.
The number one person I'd like to thank is a very special friend of mine who I love with all my heart. He helped me prepare for surgery, he was there when I woke up, he's always been there to take care of me when I was sick in bed, or in too much pain to go upstairs to get myself a drink to take my Gravol with. He was there to console me when I was grieving over my brother's death, and he's supported me throughout my treatments. I am forever thankful. Words cannot describe my gratitude. Even on days like yesterday, when I was in so much pain I could barely get out of bed... He encourages me to get up and out and KEEP GOING!! But he never pushes me. Somehow, he has the power to take my pain away.

Another person I have to thank is OCWarrior1026. Your thoughtful comments warm my heart and soul. I've been following your blog since the beginning. I've read every single entry and I've wept with you during your battle. I'm rooting for you every day. It means a lot to me that you read my humble little blog! I admire you.

I would also like to thank my Endosisters! Without you, I would have nobody to whine to, ask for advice, or know what the hell I'm doing Lol! You help me not feel alone anymore. We lean on each other for support and share our experiences and our pain while relieving it at the same time. You guys are my rock!

I'd also like to thank Biffy for her positive vibes and making me smile during the hard times. She's gone through her own battles and I admire her so much. Her optimism is infectious and it's hard to talk to her without feeling all warm and fuzzy and glowing inside :)

My family also provides support, although I wish they could be a little more supportive.. I know they do what they can. I'm the only person in the family diagnosed with endometriosis, and the only woman left without children. I also no longer have future plans to try and have children. I have accepted the fact I won't ever become pregnant, and I'm okay with that. I hope they will be too one day..

Also my friends: a great deal of you have been met through work or online, or I've known you for years and consider you my family. You make me smile and every single one of you believes in me and helps me to believe in myself.

And last but not least, I must thank my Fredders! My furbaby! My purring lovable heating pad! He's always there comforting me and snuggling. He helps me sleep at night. I love you Fred! Meow meow!
I love Rascal too although he's more of a flop-on-the-floor-and-love-me cat! Lol!
Animals love unconditionally and purely.

These wonderful souls who have touched my life are who I am thankful for every single day. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. Much love to you!

And to my dear readers: I consider you my friends as well. Thankyouthankyou

Xoxoxo

M.

It Doesn't Metastisize, It Migrates

I had my follow up with my gynecologist last Tuesday.
It appears that my endometriosis is continuing to spread and grow, and my doctor suspects that it's moved onto my bladder causing me to use the washroom a lot (like I did before the lap) and also cause bloating and PAIN. The pain the past two days has been so intense that I have difficulty walking. It wakes me up during the night, and over-the-counter medications do little to offer relief. I continue to go to work and I talk to my co-workers about the pain sometimes but most of all, I joke about it and call myself a "gimp" Lol! I hate whining and complaining, so I figure if I do it in a joking manner that it's alright. They say laughter is the best medicine anyways.

I haven't blogged in awhile, I can't remember if I mentioned that I went back on anti-depressants or not.. In other treatment news, my progesterone dose has been doubled in an effort to get my pain and bladder symptoms under control. I have bowel issues too, and I've been taking fiber daily and probiotics but I still experience a lot of pain. Mostly I have a lot of bloating issues and it feels like my colon ties itself in a knot. It's been going on for well over a week. That on top of having to pee every half hour and having endometriosis pain has become very frustrating. That's where the anti-depressants come in. They allow me to emotionally cope with this disease.

My doctor says that if my medications don't improve my symptoms, that he would like to have a cystoscopy done to look for interstitial cystitis. This is a disease that essentially feels like a constant bladder infection. Petichial hemorrhages or small ulcerations develop in the bladder wall resulting in pain and irritation. A cystoscopy is a procedure done to look inside the bladder to check for these things. I'm pretty sure I'll have to be knocked out for it, since they fill your bladder with water and then go up your freakin' peehole with a camera. I can't imagine that's comfortable..

Since I don't feel a lot of support from my family, and a lot of my close friends have day jobs or live far from me, I don't have a lot of people to talk to about my battle with endometriosis. I recently found an online support group and a lot of women have the exact same feelings and symptoms as I do so I no longer feel alone. I've stopped feeling sorry for myself as a result of this.

I'm beginning to accept the fact that I'm not going to be a mother in my lifetime. With this illness spreading despite hormone therapy and surgery, and the fact that I'm still single and time is ticking away as I get older, I don't wish to have children if it means rushing into a relationship and going through painful procedures such as more surgery and fertility treatments, all the while risking myself for ectopic pregnancies and miscarriages and GRIEF.
There's always adoption.
There's always furbabies.
Many people live happy, fulfilling lives without pro-creating. I can too.