Good afternoon my super beautiful people!
Allergy season is officially here! That's basically May and June.. Two months of being a phlegm factory, sniveling, snotty, nose-blowing foghorn human being. The thing that plagues me the most: The Forbidden Cottonwood Tree. Fluffy miniature clouds float through the air like delicate snowflakes.. And when they touch me, I scream. I itch. My nose and eyes protest vehemently! This hasn't stopped me from going outside, however. I'm participating in bike to work week starting on Monday, and wouldn't you know it, it's supposed to rain pretty much the entire time. My rain pants barely fit me. You see, I still haven't been able to shed a single pound of the weight gained in April when I was sick. I'm pretty sure the hormone treatment is to blame. I take 20mg of MPA daily. I don't even think post-menopausal women take that much. I think that dosage is enough to sterilize me. Oh well. The pain is pretty much non-existent. I experience the slight twinge of dull cramping every now and then but basically my entire reproductive system is in a coma right now.
I'm continuing my special diet which is 90% vegan and full of fiber. I take Metamucil every day, a probiotic, and my vitamins. My diet is low in fat, sugar, and carbohydrates. I exercise daily. Yet still, I am at 130 pounds. That may not be much, in fact, it's probably normal for a woman my height but you have to realize I have NEVER WEIGHED THIS MUCH IN MY LIFE. All my clothes fit my size 3, 115-120 pounds self. I don't see my abs anymore. It makes me sad to actually have bodyfat in the 20 percentile range. I probably shouldn't complain, as I am nowhere near the category of "overweight" but I suppose I'm afraid that I might enter that category if I'm not careful. My metabolism has slowed down, and I'm hovering at the same weight despite sweating for hours a week and eating meticulously and refusing anything rich in calories, fat, and sugar. If I were to eat anything I wanted, and was sedentary, who knows what would happen?
The thing is, I just plain don't feel comfortable in my skin right now. I don't want to wear a bathing suit, or shorts, or a miniskirt. I want to hide. I want to continue being tiny me.
You see, years ago, when I was 15 I had an eating disorder severe enough to hospitalize me. I eventually recovered, but I never overcame my psychological obsession with eating and being thin. I had a relapse in 2008 when I developed a different kind of eating disorder known as "orthorexia." I also worked at a gym and would constantly exercise whenever I had the chance. Before my shift, during my lunch break, and after my shift if I could. I became so obsessed that I literally started to lose my mind and attempted suicide. I eventually recovered from that too.. Physically anyways.
I still obsess about my appearance on a day-to-day basis. Once you have an eating disorder, it never leaves you. The temptation to skip meals is always there, despite a love of eating. Sometimes, there's a temptation to binge.. and sometimes I give in.. and feel horrendously ugly afterwards. I haven't really opened up about this issue, but it's important to. It really is. A lot of women have negative views about their bodies because society puts a lot of pressure on us to look a certain way. I have always dreaded the warmer season.. Not only because of the Forbidden Cottonwood Tree but also because of the fact that it's too damn hot to hide in a hoodie and yoga pants. You also have to realize that I lack the ability to tan. I'm always the palest on the beach, and being pale just makes me look less fit. The treatment I'm on also makes my skin super sensitive to the sun, and being an endometriosis sufferer, as well as being fair-skinned, I am a high risk candidate for skin cancer.
Every year I dread this season, and every year I try to lose weight so that I can look good in a pair of shorts. This year is especially hard for me because I am at my heaviest and unable to shed any of the pounds. I'm using every ounce of my energy not to feel sorry for myself. At the same time, I feel very stupid to be feeling fat when most people still view me as being thin. I don't know. It's a weird feeling. It feels a little better to write about it.
Thanks so much for listening!!
Xoxoxox
M
Sunday, May 27, 2012
Thursday, May 10, 2012
Old News, Good News
Hi there, readers!
It's been a long time since I posted. Since Blogger re-vamped the website, I can no longer update via my Blackberry.. It's just not mobile friendly! So, I had to break down and get the internet and blog on a computer like the rest of the normal, techno-savvy population! Haha! So, I haven't blogged for two months but here I am.
It appears that my endometriosis is spreading, so as a result, I am on a higher dose of hormones which causes some interesting side-effects. Obviously, I'm not very happy about this because 1. I'm too young to be experiencing stuff that women usually don't get to experience until their 50s or 60s, and 2. The prolonged use of hormones is not good for my bones or breast health.
As you recall, I went through several tests looking for cancer, interstitial cystitis, and ovarian tumours. Everything checked out okay and a majority of my pain was caused by inflammation in my pelvis. That's where the hormones come in. Along with the hormones, I'm on a very strict diet. No dairy whatsoever, no sugar, low gluten, no processed foods. I also gained weight, about ten pounds last month since I was unable to walk. Around the end of March, I started experiencing severe pain on a daily basis. I was unable to function, and was on bed-rest for about 5 weeks. I struggled to get out of bed, and I dragged myself to work and was often only able to work half-days. My abdomen swelled up to the point where my pants barely fit, and I was hospitalized. After I got out of the hospital, I spent a lot of my time laying down, high on narcotic painkillers. I barely remember April, except for the pain. That is still in my mind. I saw so many doctors that I barely remember their names.. or the tests I went through. There was blood-work, x-rays, more urine tests, emergency ultrasounds.. Sheesh!
It wasn't a fun time.
Then, I got in to see my gynecologist. He really is an awesome man. He thinks I might have inflammatory bowel disease, so I'm being referred to yet another doctor.. Just waiting on the phone call. He doubled up my hormone therapy and I started feeling relief within a week. The only downside is that I'm tired a lot now.. and I have a moustache.. Oh and oily skin. Also, for the first time in my life, I'm struggling with my weight. Despite my ultra-squeaky-clean diet and the fact that I am now able to exercise daily, I can't seem to lose this annoying ten pounds I gained. I supposed I'm just going to have to get used to it.
Other than all that, I am truly enjoying and appreciating every single day. I experienced about 5 weeks of needing help.. needing assistance to do everyday things. I will never ever take for granted the ability to walk ever again. In the hospital I needed a wheelchair to get around because each step was just excruciating. Now, I go for walks nearly every day outside through the trails by my apartment. I take photos, I take deep breaths, I inhale the fresh air and I'm grateful that I am AWARE.
Also, just last week I met one of the most profound role models in my life. A cancer survivor, a fighter, and overall amazing person: BIF NAKED! It was absolutely surreal to meet her. I remember being 12 years old, singing along to her music and hoping that one day, I would be able to meet her face to face. 14 years later, I have. I've included a photo of the two of us! She really is a remarkable woman. She's so brave, and funny, and sweet and giving. If it weren't for her, I don't think that I would be the optimistic, positive person I am today. The best part is, she seemed just as excited to meet me as I was to meet her. She really appreciates all her fans, and it's hard to find that quality in a celebrity. Truly one of the best days of my life!
I'm signing off for now, but I will try to keep blogging more regularly!
Thanks for reading,
Xoxoxoxo
M
It's been a long time since I posted. Since Blogger re-vamped the website, I can no longer update via my Blackberry.. It's just not mobile friendly! So, I had to break down and get the internet and blog on a computer like the rest of the normal, techno-savvy population! Haha! So, I haven't blogged for two months but here I am.
It appears that my endometriosis is spreading, so as a result, I am on a higher dose of hormones which causes some interesting side-effects. Obviously, I'm not very happy about this because 1. I'm too young to be experiencing stuff that women usually don't get to experience until their 50s or 60s, and 2. The prolonged use of hormones is not good for my bones or breast health.
As you recall, I went through several tests looking for cancer, interstitial cystitis, and ovarian tumours. Everything checked out okay and a majority of my pain was caused by inflammation in my pelvis. That's where the hormones come in. Along with the hormones, I'm on a very strict diet. No dairy whatsoever, no sugar, low gluten, no processed foods. I also gained weight, about ten pounds last month since I was unable to walk. Around the end of March, I started experiencing severe pain on a daily basis. I was unable to function, and was on bed-rest for about 5 weeks. I struggled to get out of bed, and I dragged myself to work and was often only able to work half-days. My abdomen swelled up to the point where my pants barely fit, and I was hospitalized. After I got out of the hospital, I spent a lot of my time laying down, high on narcotic painkillers. I barely remember April, except for the pain. That is still in my mind. I saw so many doctors that I barely remember their names.. or the tests I went through. There was blood-work, x-rays, more urine tests, emergency ultrasounds.. Sheesh!
It wasn't a fun time.
Then, I got in to see my gynecologist. He really is an awesome man. He thinks I might have inflammatory bowel disease, so I'm being referred to yet another doctor.. Just waiting on the phone call. He doubled up my hormone therapy and I started feeling relief within a week. The only downside is that I'm tired a lot now.. and I have a moustache.. Oh and oily skin. Also, for the first time in my life, I'm struggling with my weight. Despite my ultra-squeaky-clean diet and the fact that I am now able to exercise daily, I can't seem to lose this annoying ten pounds I gained. I supposed I'm just going to have to get used to it.
Other than all that, I am truly enjoying and appreciating every single day. I experienced about 5 weeks of needing help.. needing assistance to do everyday things. I will never ever take for granted the ability to walk ever again. In the hospital I needed a wheelchair to get around because each step was just excruciating. Now, I go for walks nearly every day outside through the trails by my apartment. I take photos, I take deep breaths, I inhale the fresh air and I'm grateful that I am AWARE.
Also, just last week I met one of the most profound role models in my life. A cancer survivor, a fighter, and overall amazing person: BIF NAKED! It was absolutely surreal to meet her. I remember being 12 years old, singing along to her music and hoping that one day, I would be able to meet her face to face. 14 years later, I have. I've included a photo of the two of us! She really is a remarkable woman. She's so brave, and funny, and sweet and giving. If it weren't for her, I don't think that I would be the optimistic, positive person I am today. The best part is, she seemed just as excited to meet me as I was to meet her. She really appreciates all her fans, and it's hard to find that quality in a celebrity. Truly one of the best days of my life!
I'm signing off for now, but I will try to keep blogging more regularly!
Thanks for reading,
Xoxoxoxo
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