Hopes, Dreams, and Acceptance

Namaste!
I'm writing to you from the comforts of my warm bed!! Such a luxury!! :)

I'm in a bit of pain though, so I'm not feeling too warm and fuzzy at the moment. It started about an hour or two ago on my right side.. It's like the pain I get when I ovulate but not as intense. It's still bothersome though.
I just ended my period yesterday.. It's odd for me to have this pain now.
Just more questions that will have to be answered after my surgery. I'm kinda glad I'm getting it now. Last night I couldn't sleep because of anxiety.
I'm over the whole scarring issue.. I just worried about my financial situation last night. Not even thinking about the positive things. First of all: I will know for certain what is wrong. How much endometriosis there is, how much damage was done, and how to treat it further after surgery.
Secondly: I'll be in less pain. No more curling up in bed holding my belly and grimacing in pain. No more tears.. No more cancelling events or calling in "sick" at work because of severe pelvic pain. No more popping pain medications like candy and getting frustrated when they don't work. No more being woken up by seering pain in the middle of the night..

I'm fully aware endometriosis comes back.. But at least I'll be pain-free for awhile and figure out an effective treatment plan for the future.
Last night I had this awful dream that I woke up from surgery and the doctor told me I had severe endometriosis - stage IV, and that I'd never have children, and that it was "everywhere".. On my bladder, bowel, ovaries, fallopian tubes and behind the uterus. In my dream they had to cut it all out and they operated on me for a long time. It seemed so real..

Definitely not something I should think about before bed! Lol!

Every month the pain gets worse and I know that the disease is spreading and causing more problems.. I need this surgery for that reason. I will be okay.. If I fall behind on my bills a little bit, I can make more money and pay them back. If I get a few scars, that's okay. I can live with that.. I don't want to be sick all the time and always in pain. I want to enjoy life.

I'm going to take some pain medications and try to sleep. My right side hurts a lot now.. It's radiating into my hip, and down the front of my leg sometimes.

The most annoying part about this illness?? My bladder. Last night I had to pee every 20 minutes (I timed it) and this lasted for an hour and a half. I didn't get to sleep til after 2am. The only thing I drank was a small cup of juice with my multivitamin last night at around 11:30pm.

Now I have to take a pill again and drink water with it! Ahhh my bladder won't like that! Stupid annoying thing!

Wish me luck!

Goodnight!

Xoxoxo

M.