Namaste lovies!! I am home from another late night at the office.
Today was exciting! I saw my GP today and he was awesome. I told him what happened that Saturday before Christmas (refresher: stabbing, severe pain on the left ovary, ended up missing work to OVULATE) and what the clinic doc said.
I got poked in the angry ovary and Doc said I had a cyst. I'm okay now though, except I have pain on the opposite side (maybe right ovary is jealous and needs a goood JAB!! Settle down!).
Ok long, nattering story short I will be getting a call from a gynae next week. We will see what's up and why I get cysts all the time and painful you-know-whats.
That's exciting.
Also, I have been scheduled to work more hours than anticipated. Very very busy week ahead. I may need to change my availability so that I can rest a little more and work a bit less. I'm trying really hard to be healthy again. Eating better, going to the gym, etc etc.. I should aim for 30 hours a week.. And no more than say.. 33??
I'm a work-a-holic so let's see how it works out! Haha!! Still.. I know I need rest.. Money isn't a big problem right now but there are things I need to do which take priority.. Like I need to get some pharmacare coverage so that if I need surgery, I don't break the bank filling out prescriptions for pain management.
Soooo muuuch to DOOO!!
Another thing on my list:
Telling people I'm "under the weather." It is so unbelievably hard. I want to be the tough grrl. I want to be the pinnacle of good health. I want to be Miss Fitness.
I have to tell my friends.. My family.. And maybe even people at work if applicable that I have a health problem that limits what I can do. I can no longer be a martyr. I can no longer tell people "I am fine" when I'm not.. And I need to no longer be in denial.
I was asked by a friend today if I'm alright. I said I'm fine. I also said "I don't want to talk about it." I am so embarrassed talking about my dysfunctional reproductive organs. I fear people will think I'm disgusting if I tell them I get ovarian cysts all the time and I'm in pain almost everyday. I don't want anyone feeling sorry for me.. So telling people I have a "thing" is unbelievably hard. Harder than chin-ups and hack squats!
I guess it's an embarassing disease to have. Women don't like to go around talking about their ovaries (or their periods). It's funny cuz lots of men seem to enjoy talking about their balls! LOL!
I'm a work-in-progress. I shall learn courage. As I learn more about what's wrong, I'll share with people.
I don't want to tell people I'm sick without an "offical" diagnosis. I don't wanna cause a fuss over something that may be nothing.. Although if this is nothing, it's the most painful case of "nothing" in existance!!!
Peace, love, happiness, and hugzzzz (((Arms Out!!))))
Goodnight!
Xoxoxoxo
M.
Thursday, December 30, 2010
Tuesday, December 28, 2010
Brain pain, the gym, and cat hair!
Namaste readers! I'm up late again with my posts! Heehee! I'm used to being a nightowl because of my job. I usually work until 11pm, and I like to make blog postings from the comfort of my soft bed on my Blackberry gadget!
Speaking of bedtime, my bed is LOADED up with cat hair! It awakened my allergies, so I spent much of the day with a sinus headache and itchy eyes. I love my furbabies though. They complete me and bring me much joy!!
Today I did something I haven't done in awhile. I went to the GYM. I love the gym. I wanted to be a bodybuilder before I got sick and I used to be very strong! I even used to have my photos up on a website for vegan athletes called www.veganbodybuilding.com
I no longer visit though..I don't really fit in with the vegan lifestyle or their beliefs.. I live in a household of meat-eaters and although I abstain from meat most of the time, I eat fish every once in awhile.. And other non-vegan things like candy, and pancakes..
My diet is a work in progress. Today I feasted on oatmeal, spinach nuggets (try them instead of chicken nuggets!), spinach salads (I'm anemic, hence the spinach!! Haha!), cereal, protein shake, and leftover potatoes and veggies from Christmas dinner! Mmm!
Meatless Monday! Try it sometime!
The gym was awesome although I did get tired really fast. I did squats, deadlifts, calf raises, and some lat pulldowns. I also worked on my core a little although I tired it out from the squats and deadlifts already! I enjoyed sitting in the hot tub and relaxing afterwards! My gym buddy and I also did a little shopping after and he bought me some things even though I wanted to pay for it! Hmph! He's so sweet, and since I never forget a favour, I will keep this in mind. I may bake something.. Heehee! He likes my drawings too, perhaps I should make him one?? Original art! There ya go!!
Last night something weird happened though. I had a bunch of phone calls from an ex-boyfriend! He would call, then hang up.. Call and hang up again!! So weird!! I was freaked out thinking "oh no, not another sad-sack loser from STALKERSVILLE!"
My sister ended up calling him on her phone, and left a message for him to stop it as it was 2am and he needed to get a "fucking grip!"
He's acting 5 instead of 25 doing that shit. Not cool.
Anyways he is the one who dumped me because he couldn't handle the fact that I was sick. I didn't wanna hit up the bars and party all weekend because my job and my health were more important. So he said "ciao". Alright. I've. moved on. I'm still single, but I kinda like it. If I want to stay home and play Nintendo in my Hello Kitty pajamas while eating an entire chocolate bar to myself well I'll golly-gosh-darn DO IT!!
*girl power*
LOL!
Also in other news, my dad is no longer allowed to visit my house. He hurt my feelings and I'm the boss of my own secret feelings and I say NO! I won't let someone come into my home and insult me. I don't care who you are.
I will forgive him because I am forgiving, and I believe the only path to my own happiness and peace is to FORGIVE. However, I also wish to protect my sensitive open heart chakra from negativity.
I had a really nice long chat with my mom tonight about our family history, and how my dad was wrong to say such mean things to me on Christmas Eve. My grandmother had a hysterectomy at a young age. I'm not sure if it's because she had problems, or if it's just because in those days, if periods were a hassle, they just took your uterus out. I don't know.
I also learned that my aunt has one ovary/fallopian tube that is no longer functional because she had an ectopic pregnancy and almost died. She did manage to have two kids though.. So that's cool but it must've been really hard for her.
My mom also told me there's a history of menorrhagia (really heavy periods). The thing is, nobody really went to go get checked out.. So no diagnosis of endo has been made in my family. Everyone was told it was "normal", so they lived with it. My mom and aunts are approaching menopause now, so soon they will no longer have problems with their cycles. Lucky! Haha!
I still have 20-30 years to go!
We also discussed infertility.. Sadly, it might be reality. When my last pelvic exam was done, the doctor said he felt a cyst, but there was no cyst to be found on the ultrasound.. Meaning it could perhaps be scar tissue. It was my right ovary, and for the past two months I ovulated on the left side. (I know because I feel ovulation every month as a stabbing sensation that lasts several hours) I wonder if the right one still works?? I wonder if I can still have kids? I hope these questions get answered soon before the disease spreads and causes more damage!
Anyways..
It's been a busy few days, and tomorrow shall be busy as well. I see my doctor on Wednesday. I will keep you all updated with how that goes!!
Bon Soir lovies!!
Xoxoxox
M.
Speaking of bedtime, my bed is LOADED up with cat hair! It awakened my allergies, so I spent much of the day with a sinus headache and itchy eyes. I love my furbabies though. They complete me and bring me much joy!!
Today I did something I haven't done in awhile. I went to the GYM. I love the gym. I wanted to be a bodybuilder before I got sick and I used to be very strong! I even used to have my photos up on a website for vegan athletes called www.veganbodybuilding.com
I no longer visit though..I don't really fit in with the vegan lifestyle or their beliefs.. I live in a household of meat-eaters and although I abstain from meat most of the time, I eat fish every once in awhile.. And other non-vegan things like candy, and pancakes..
My diet is a work in progress. Today I feasted on oatmeal, spinach nuggets (try them instead of chicken nuggets!), spinach salads (I'm anemic, hence the spinach!! Haha!), cereal, protein shake, and leftover potatoes and veggies from Christmas dinner! Mmm!
Meatless Monday! Try it sometime!
The gym was awesome although I did get tired really fast. I did squats, deadlifts, calf raises, and some lat pulldowns. I also worked on my core a little although I tired it out from the squats and deadlifts already! I enjoyed sitting in the hot tub and relaxing afterwards! My gym buddy and I also did a little shopping after and he bought me some things even though I wanted to pay for it! Hmph! He's so sweet, and since I never forget a favour, I will keep this in mind. I may bake something.. Heehee! He likes my drawings too, perhaps I should make him one?? Original art! There ya go!!
Last night something weird happened though. I had a bunch of phone calls from an ex-boyfriend! He would call, then hang up.. Call and hang up again!! So weird!! I was freaked out thinking "oh no, not another sad-sack loser from STALKERSVILLE!"
My sister ended up calling him on her phone, and left a message for him to stop it as it was 2am and he needed to get a "fucking grip!"
He's acting 5 instead of 25 doing that shit. Not cool.
Anyways he is the one who dumped me because he couldn't handle the fact that I was sick. I didn't wanna hit up the bars and party all weekend because my job and my health were more important. So he said "ciao". Alright. I've. moved on. I'm still single, but I kinda like it. If I want to stay home and play Nintendo in my Hello Kitty pajamas while eating an entire chocolate bar to myself well I'll golly-gosh-darn DO IT!!
*girl power*
LOL!
Also in other news, my dad is no longer allowed to visit my house. He hurt my feelings and I'm the boss of my own secret feelings and I say NO! I won't let someone come into my home and insult me. I don't care who you are.
I will forgive him because I am forgiving, and I believe the only path to my own happiness and peace is to FORGIVE. However, I also wish to protect my sensitive open heart chakra from negativity.
I had a really nice long chat with my mom tonight about our family history, and how my dad was wrong to say such mean things to me on Christmas Eve. My grandmother had a hysterectomy at a young age. I'm not sure if it's because she had problems, or if it's just because in those days, if periods were a hassle, they just took your uterus out. I don't know.
I also learned that my aunt has one ovary/fallopian tube that is no longer functional because she had an ectopic pregnancy and almost died. She did manage to have two kids though.. So that's cool but it must've been really hard for her.
My mom also told me there's a history of menorrhagia (really heavy periods). The thing is, nobody really went to go get checked out.. So no diagnosis of endo has been made in my family. Everyone was told it was "normal", so they lived with it. My mom and aunts are approaching menopause now, so soon they will no longer have problems with their cycles. Lucky! Haha!
I still have 20-30 years to go!
We also discussed infertility.. Sadly, it might be reality. When my last pelvic exam was done, the doctor said he felt a cyst, but there was no cyst to be found on the ultrasound.. Meaning it could perhaps be scar tissue. It was my right ovary, and for the past two months I ovulated on the left side. (I know because I feel ovulation every month as a stabbing sensation that lasts several hours) I wonder if the right one still works?? I wonder if I can still have kids? I hope these questions get answered soon before the disease spreads and causes more damage!
Anyways..
It's been a busy few days, and tomorrow shall be busy as well. I see my doctor on Wednesday. I will keep you all updated with how that goes!!
Bon Soir lovies!!
Xoxoxox
M.
Saturday, December 25, 2010
So, This Is Christmas..
Namaste, readers. I hope this holiday season, festive day, Yuletide evening, Jesus's Birthday finds you in good spirits!
I am, however, writing with a heavy heart.
This time of year can be sad for some people. It usually isn't for me. I am not sure if it's because a week ago, I was sitting in a doctor's office discussing laparoscopy (I'm still not sure how to spell that! Lol!) Or if it's because I'm lonely, or maybe it was the rude comment I got last night from my own father criticizing my weight..
I have to get this off my chest!
My dad hasn't spoken to me for 7 months. Prior to that, he forgot my birthday. I see him again for Christmas and all he could do was ask me why I'm no longer pursuing a career in music, and tells me I'm "getting a belly". My lower abdomen gets bloated very easily. I was on the last day of probably the most painful period I've ever had, and he comments on my weight.
Well excuuuuuuse me for letting myself go!!! When in fact I've actually LOST about ten pounds! My father doesn't even know anything about my health issues. He doesn't ask.. And I'm not about to tell. He has his fair share of health issues too.. But his solution is to self-medicate and give up on life. There is no "fighting spirit" in that man and he enjoys ripping the defensive mask of optimism off my face whenever he sees me.
He chose not to call me.
He chose to stay at home and feel sorry for himself.
He chose to say hurtful things and be a BULLY.
I will not handle my illness that way. I'm not going to lay in bed thinking about how "difficult" life is.. Why? Because it could be worse. Much worse. I don't even like calling it an "illness". It's just my "thing". It hurts a lot sometimes, but I'm handling it. It's making me stronger. If I were to just lay down and give up, my "thing" would take over and swallow my spirit whole.
My eyes are now red and puffy because today I "chose" to cry over my broken heart and hurt feelings. I "chose" to be sensitive. I "chose" to be angry.
Maybe now it's time to choose to not let people get under my skin?
We all have troubles with this sometimes don't we? Someone says something mean and it hurts our hearts. My spirit has been a little faded since that doctor's visit last week. The first of many, I presume.
I'll be strong, and I'll fight through it.
I'll be fine.
:)
Merry Christmas, my faithful readers. I love you!
Xoxoxo
M.
I am, however, writing with a heavy heart.
This time of year can be sad for some people. It usually isn't for me. I am not sure if it's because a week ago, I was sitting in a doctor's office discussing laparoscopy (I'm still not sure how to spell that! Lol!) Or if it's because I'm lonely, or maybe it was the rude comment I got last night from my own father criticizing my weight..
I have to get this off my chest!
My dad hasn't spoken to me for 7 months. Prior to that, he forgot my birthday. I see him again for Christmas and all he could do was ask me why I'm no longer pursuing a career in music, and tells me I'm "getting a belly". My lower abdomen gets bloated very easily. I was on the last day of probably the most painful period I've ever had, and he comments on my weight.
Well excuuuuuuse me for letting myself go!!! When in fact I've actually LOST about ten pounds! My father doesn't even know anything about my health issues. He doesn't ask.. And I'm not about to tell. He has his fair share of health issues too.. But his solution is to self-medicate and give up on life. There is no "fighting spirit" in that man and he enjoys ripping the defensive mask of optimism off my face whenever he sees me.
He chose not to call me.
He chose to stay at home and feel sorry for himself.
He chose to say hurtful things and be a BULLY.
I will not handle my illness that way. I'm not going to lay in bed thinking about how "difficult" life is.. Why? Because it could be worse. Much worse. I don't even like calling it an "illness". It's just my "thing". It hurts a lot sometimes, but I'm handling it. It's making me stronger. If I were to just lay down and give up, my "thing" would take over and swallow my spirit whole.
My eyes are now red and puffy because today I "chose" to cry over my broken heart and hurt feelings. I "chose" to be sensitive. I "chose" to be angry.
Maybe now it's time to choose to not let people get under my skin?
We all have troubles with this sometimes don't we? Someone says something mean and it hurts our hearts. My spirit has been a little faded since that doctor's visit last week. The first of many, I presume.
I'll be strong, and I'll fight through it.
I'll be fine.
:)
Merry Christmas, my faithful readers. I love you!
Xoxoxo
M.
Thursday, December 23, 2010
Jaunts To The John
Namaste my friendly readers!!!!
Again, I am posting late at night. Can you guess WHY??? That's right.
My bladder.
My pee-pee.
It keeps me up. Today at work (in the office, at my sit-down job) I had to pee, no lie, EVERY HALF HOUR!
I don't know what causes this. It's been like that for a few days now. Even before bed, I don't allow liquids for 2-3 hours before but I STILL pee right before going to sleep, and every morning around 3 or 4, then 6 or 7, then 9 or 10 o'clock. SO ANNOYING!! I should set up a work-station right outside the bathroom door to make for faster and more convenient bathroom breaks! LOL!
I'm thinking this hyper-bladder is hormone related. I brought this up to my doctor and he couldn't figure out what was wrong. There's no infection, no anatomical abnormalities.. I'm only like this for one week a month really. He said that problems like this usually just affect post-menopausal women and that I'm the youngest person he's seen complain of this problem!
Yay!
I'm first!!
Hahahahha!
Well, it's only for a week so I will suck it up and be a big girl. It could be worse! it could always be worse. That's why I don't sit and complain about it. I find humour in it!
I am giving up diuretics (except the morning coffee that is ESSENTIAL to my BEING!!! Haha!) So no more pop, no lemons, no tea, nothing that will make me have to pee even MORE! That would just be crazy.
I should return to normal in a few days. In the meantime, I will avoid long trips to places that have no toilet!
Remember to wash your hands!!
Xoxoxo
M.
Again, I am posting late at night. Can you guess WHY??? That's right.
My bladder.
My pee-pee.
It keeps me up. Today at work (in the office, at my sit-down job) I had to pee, no lie, EVERY HALF HOUR!
I don't know what causes this. It's been like that for a few days now. Even before bed, I don't allow liquids for 2-3 hours before but I STILL pee right before going to sleep, and every morning around 3 or 4, then 6 or 7, then 9 or 10 o'clock. SO ANNOYING!! I should set up a work-station right outside the bathroom door to make for faster and more convenient bathroom breaks! LOL!
I'm thinking this hyper-bladder is hormone related. I brought this up to my doctor and he couldn't figure out what was wrong. There's no infection, no anatomical abnormalities.. I'm only like this for one week a month really. He said that problems like this usually just affect post-menopausal women and that I'm the youngest person he's seen complain of this problem!
Yay!
I'm first!!
Hahahahha!
Well, it's only for a week so I will suck it up and be a big girl. It could be worse! it could always be worse. That's why I don't sit and complain about it. I find humour in it!
I am giving up diuretics (except the morning coffee that is ESSENTIAL to my BEING!!! Haha!) So no more pop, no lemons, no tea, nothing that will make me have to pee even MORE! That would just be crazy.
I should return to normal in a few days. In the meantime, I will avoid long trips to places that have no toilet!
Remember to wash your hands!!
Xoxoxo
M.
Wednesday, December 22, 2010
A Step In The Right Direction
Namaste! I have become a late-night blogger!! Today was interesting..
I ovulated about 3 days ago but had to cease my hormonal treatment/birth control pills (which I wasn't taking for birth control purposes, hence why I call it "hormonal treatment") soooo today I get what every endo patient dreads.
THE PERIOD!! HOLY SHIT! It's a monthly thing. It's inevitable. I hate talking about it cuz I can hear my readers going "eeewww" haha! Well it's a natural thing. Like farting.
Not one of the body's most pleasant functions but hey.. It's nothing we haven't heard of right?? Ok.
Now we have that out of the way.. I swear I blush whenever I say the "P" word! Hahahaha!
I made an appointment with my GP. I call that a "step in the right direction". Catchy title isn't it?!
It's for next Wednesday. We will see what ensues.. I'm a bit apprehensive.
Also around the corner is the big day in celebration of Jesus' birthday! Christmas! Already! Wow! I have to say, this is the first Christmas of my entire adult life that I've been alone.
Last year, I wasn't really "well" but I wasn't sick either. It was during the time my doctor and I thought I had IBS and I drank my Metamucil faithfully everyday and took my Bio-K.
This year, it's really hitting me. I spent all day in bed because of the pain and fatigue. It was probably my first real day of resting I've had in a few months. It was very weird.. I did some cleaning up but other than that I kept physical activity to a minimum. This Christmas I can't help but feel alone and empty.. I don't have someone special to share the holidays with this year. I feel like I've driven people I care about away with my insane mood-swings and my sickness.
I refuse to sit and feel sorry for myself! It crosses my mind, especially in the evenings when I have more time with my thoughts.. But you know what?? I'm lucky that my family is here and I still have good friends who stick by me through thick and thin! I'm so blessed to have these people in my life! (You know who you are my lovies,!!) I'm working on changing my attitude towards life and it helps me through the tough times.. And the lonely times.
I'll be okay!!
Many exciting things will happen in 2011!
I look forward to it!!
Merry Christmas, Seasons Greetings, Happy Holidays, Yuletide Blessings!
Xoxoxo
M.
I ovulated about 3 days ago but had to cease my hormonal treatment/birth control pills (which I wasn't taking for birth control purposes, hence why I call it "hormonal treatment") soooo today I get what every endo patient dreads.
THE PERIOD!! HOLY SHIT! It's a monthly thing. It's inevitable. I hate talking about it cuz I can hear my readers going "eeewww" haha! Well it's a natural thing. Like farting.
Not one of the body's most pleasant functions but hey.. It's nothing we haven't heard of right?? Ok.
Now we have that out of the way.. I swear I blush whenever I say the "P" word! Hahahaha!
I made an appointment with my GP. I call that a "step in the right direction". Catchy title isn't it?!
It's for next Wednesday. We will see what ensues.. I'm a bit apprehensive.
Also around the corner is the big day in celebration of Jesus' birthday! Christmas! Already! Wow! I have to say, this is the first Christmas of my entire adult life that I've been alone.
Last year, I wasn't really "well" but I wasn't sick either. It was during the time my doctor and I thought I had IBS and I drank my Metamucil faithfully everyday and took my Bio-K.
This year, it's really hitting me. I spent all day in bed because of the pain and fatigue. It was probably my first real day of resting I've had in a few months. It was very weird.. I did some cleaning up but other than that I kept physical activity to a minimum. This Christmas I can't help but feel alone and empty.. I don't have someone special to share the holidays with this year. I feel like I've driven people I care about away with my insane mood-swings and my sickness.
I refuse to sit and feel sorry for myself! It crosses my mind, especially in the evenings when I have more time with my thoughts.. But you know what?? I'm lucky that my family is here and I still have good friends who stick by me through thick and thin! I'm so blessed to have these people in my life! (You know who you are my lovies,!!) I'm working on changing my attitude towards life and it helps me through the tough times.. And the lonely times.
I'll be okay!!
Many exciting things will happen in 2011!
I look forward to it!!
Merry Christmas, Seasons Greetings, Happy Holidays, Yuletide Blessings!
Xoxoxo
M.
Monday, December 20, 2010
Introduction
Namaste! Highest Blessings! Happy Yuletide Greetings! My name is Marcina, and this is my new blog.
I had one posted before, but ended up deleting it. It wasn't a very good blog, and it didn't even have a THEME! I mostly wrote about my health battles for the past year.. And I figured.. Why not write a blog that's JUST about that?
The past year and a half has been a whirlwind of doctor's appointments, ER visits, and tests. We all enjoy tests don't we?? Blood-tests, X-ray tests, blood sugar tests, urine tests, other-unmentionable-uncomfortable tests.. Tests of PATIENCE! Lol!
I've kept a positive attitude about most of this.. But sometimes it's very hard. I have an illness that causes me to be in constant pain. For almost two years, nobody really understood why. Since all those tests came back clean (no cancer, no infection, no thyroid problem) it was hard for the doctors to understand why I hurt so much. I had other weird issues too.. Like last year, my hair just started coming out. Then I got hot flashes.. Then I got acne.. I gained some weight.. I tell ya, it was interesting have so very little hair, a face-full of zits, and an extra 10 pounds!!
Everything made absolutely no sense. What was happening? Why was it happening?
The chronic pelvic pain started in November 2009. I was misdiagnosed with Irritable Bowel Syndrome. Then I was told I might have cystitis (bladder inflammation), then I was told I have ovarian cysts, and then in the summer, we thought it was appendicitis. It turned out not to be, and that was the first time I was told what might be the problem. The doctor said:
"You have something wrong with you reproductive organs."
The doctor felt a mass (I felt it too, it hurt like a bitch!!) But it never showed up on the ultrasound.
I had mood-swings for months (I still get them.. To the dismay of all my friends and family members who have to put up with my shit! Lol!)
I talked to my GP about what the ER doc said and he said to me "Don't worry! It's normal to have painful cycles!" And I was prescribed birth control pills.
I took them faithfully everyday because I was promised a now pain-free life.. Even though I was nauseous every single day of taking them. I lost weight of course, because I could not manage to feed myself much more than 800 calories a day.. Sometimes less. I was a short-term fruitarian living off of bananas, apples, and mandarin oranges.
A few days ago, I was awakened by severe pain. I was in tears because the treatment failed..I cried because I hurt so much.. I was upset because I had to miss work.
I saw a doctor later that day and he said everything opposite of what my GP said.
"Chronic pelvic pain is NOT normal" when my doctor said it was.
"You need to see a gynocologist." I agreed.
"You need laproscopy to find out what's going on inside!"
It is suspected that I am suffering from endometriosis. The symptoms include: dysmenorrhea (painful, difficult menstruation), menorrhagia (heavy periods), dyspareunia (painful sex), mittelschmirz (mid-cycle pain caused by ovulation), headaches, IBS-like symptoms, bladder problems (I-have-to-pee-but-I-caaaan't kind of thing, or I-have-to-pee-every-twenty-minutes) which are ALL problems that I have!!
Now it makes sense.
Now we're getting somewhere!
Woooohooooooo!!
The only problem is: I need that surgery to get an "official" diagnosis.
Another problem: endometriosis has no cure. Bummer.
Also, I may never be able to have children.
I always suspected I'd never have kids. After all, I can't have sex, and ovulating feels more like "stab-u-lating". I get sad when I see couples in love.. I get bitter and jealous when someone I know gets pregnant or has a new baby. Stupid feelings, I know.. But when everyone tells you "nothing feels better than holding your baby in your arms" and then you hear "there's something wrong with your reproductive organs" it kinda breaks your heart.
I find myself alienating myself from kids. Even my own niece. I should want to spend time with her but instead.. I just work all day and then hide away in my room.
I feel terrible.
It's hard for other people to understand why I'm so upset. I can't even explain it myself sometimes.. Nobody wants to hear at 24 years old that their ovaries aren't working properly. It's heartbreaking. Nobody at 24 years old wants to be alone because their pain isolates them, and crazy-psycho-moodswings drive people away.
I've even flipped out at my cat, or started yelling in an empty room because I was angry and frustrated and had to get it out!
That's the purpose of this blog: spread awareness and let my negative painful feelings OUT! Everyday is a challenge.. Sometimes it takes a little extra energy to be strong and get through the day. I hate whining, but I need to communicate.
I'll be posting regularily and give updates on my condition. I especially hope to meet other young women who have been either diagnosed or suspected of having endometriosis.
Let's bring people together!!
Om shanti love
Xoxoxo
M.
I had one posted before, but ended up deleting it. It wasn't a very good blog, and it didn't even have a THEME! I mostly wrote about my health battles for the past year.. And I figured.. Why not write a blog that's JUST about that?
The past year and a half has been a whirlwind of doctor's appointments, ER visits, and tests. We all enjoy tests don't we?? Blood-tests, X-ray tests, blood sugar tests, urine tests, other-unmentionable-uncomfortable tests.. Tests of PATIENCE! Lol!
I've kept a positive attitude about most of this.. But sometimes it's very hard. I have an illness that causes me to be in constant pain. For almost two years, nobody really understood why. Since all those tests came back clean (no cancer, no infection, no thyroid problem) it was hard for the doctors to understand why I hurt so much. I had other weird issues too.. Like last year, my hair just started coming out. Then I got hot flashes.. Then I got acne.. I gained some weight.. I tell ya, it was interesting have so very little hair, a face-full of zits, and an extra 10 pounds!!
Everything made absolutely no sense. What was happening? Why was it happening?
The chronic pelvic pain started in November 2009. I was misdiagnosed with Irritable Bowel Syndrome. Then I was told I might have cystitis (bladder inflammation), then I was told I have ovarian cysts, and then in the summer, we thought it was appendicitis. It turned out not to be, and that was the first time I was told what might be the problem. The doctor said:
"You have something wrong with you reproductive organs."
The doctor felt a mass (I felt it too, it hurt like a bitch!!) But it never showed up on the ultrasound.
I had mood-swings for months (I still get them.. To the dismay of all my friends and family members who have to put up with my shit! Lol!)
I talked to my GP about what the ER doc said and he said to me "Don't worry! It's normal to have painful cycles!" And I was prescribed birth control pills.
I took them faithfully everyday because I was promised a now pain-free life.. Even though I was nauseous every single day of taking them. I lost weight of course, because I could not manage to feed myself much more than 800 calories a day.. Sometimes less. I was a short-term fruitarian living off of bananas, apples, and mandarin oranges.
A few days ago, I was awakened by severe pain. I was in tears because the treatment failed..I cried because I hurt so much.. I was upset because I had to miss work.
I saw a doctor later that day and he said everything opposite of what my GP said.
"Chronic pelvic pain is NOT normal" when my doctor said it was.
"You need to see a gynocologist." I agreed.
"You need laproscopy to find out what's going on inside!"
It is suspected that I am suffering from endometriosis. The symptoms include: dysmenorrhea (painful, difficult menstruation), menorrhagia (heavy periods), dyspareunia (painful sex), mittelschmirz (mid-cycle pain caused by ovulation), headaches, IBS-like symptoms, bladder problems (I-have-to-pee-but-I-caaaan't kind of thing, or I-have-to-pee-every-twenty-minutes) which are ALL problems that I have!!
Now it makes sense.
Now we're getting somewhere!
Woooohooooooo!!
The only problem is: I need that surgery to get an "official" diagnosis.
Another problem: endometriosis has no cure. Bummer.
Also, I may never be able to have children.
I always suspected I'd never have kids. After all, I can't have sex, and ovulating feels more like "stab-u-lating". I get sad when I see couples in love.. I get bitter and jealous when someone I know gets pregnant or has a new baby. Stupid feelings, I know.. But when everyone tells you "nothing feels better than holding your baby in your arms" and then you hear "there's something wrong with your reproductive organs" it kinda breaks your heart.
I find myself alienating myself from kids. Even my own niece. I should want to spend time with her but instead.. I just work all day and then hide away in my room.
I feel terrible.
It's hard for other people to understand why I'm so upset. I can't even explain it myself sometimes.. Nobody wants to hear at 24 years old that their ovaries aren't working properly. It's heartbreaking. Nobody at 24 years old wants to be alone because their pain isolates them, and crazy-psycho-moodswings drive people away.
I've even flipped out at my cat, or started yelling in an empty room because I was angry and frustrated and had to get it out!
That's the purpose of this blog: spread awareness and let my negative painful feelings OUT! Everyday is a challenge.. Sometimes it takes a little extra energy to be strong and get through the day. I hate whining, but I need to communicate.
I'll be posting regularily and give updates on my condition. I especially hope to meet other young women who have been either diagnosed or suspected of having endometriosis.
Let's bring people together!!
Om shanti love
Xoxoxo
M.
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