Hi readers! It's been awhile since I popped in here hasn't it? I've been very busy this month. I had doctor's appointments, dental appointments, work, and holiday preparation. Christmas snuck up behind me really fast, and before I knew it, it was over.
I got the best gift I could ever ask for. It was a secret present that I didn't tell anyone I wanted because it isn't something money can buy. Feeling loved. I got that! That's all I ever want. With my family, it is very hard to talk openly about my feelings, and I feel a LOT. The holidays are difficult for me because I struggle with health problems, chronic pain, depression, fatigue, and loneliness.
For 4 days I had a lot of pain.
Pain from IBS, pain from bladder pressure, and pain from endometriosis. I'm pretty sure I angered some scar tissue. Yesterday, I lugged my bike out of the garage and rode it to work. While I was sitting at my desk, I turned around to do a quick look around (I'm a supervisor, so I have to do this to make sure everyone is working) and I felt something rip inside. It was a very sharp, tearing sensation within me. I held my breath and winced in pain.. Then ran to the bathroom to hide as I fought back tears. And by ran, I mean limped at a fast pace lol! The entire work day was filled with pain and abdominal swelling. I could barely walk.. Sitting was uncomfortable.. People needed my help and I couldn't sit still for long. It was a very long shift.. But I made it!
I'm quite tired today though. I didn't do a whole lot. There's been a lot on my mind though..
The toughest thing about Christmas is that it's a child-centered holiday. I heard my mom say that she wants a grandson. Well, I'm sorry but I'm not going to be having kids anytime soon. I can't even sustain a relationship because of all my health issues. I have a very difficult time dating and telling men I'm interested because I honestly feel like I'd just be a big burden to them.
I'm going to be 26 in March, and I feel like I'm running out of time. As much as I really want to have a baby, I'm finding it incredibly difficult to be around children. I have a lot of issues with the way my niece is being raised and I keep thinking "If I was a mom, I'd do a good job."
Usually when I feel like this I don't want to see kids, hear kids, or have kids anywhere near me because it hurts. It's ridiculous. Does anyone else feel like that??
I'm trying to tell myself I don't need children to be happy but it seems like women without kids or a husband in this society are seen as "odd" and carry this stigma that "something must be wrong with them."
Whatever.
It's so hard to talk about infertility, whether it's primary or secondary. There are so many emotions involved: grief, depression, anger,denial,bargaining. It's essentially the 8 stages of grief all the freakin' time! Why do women who don't want to be parents and ignore their kids or just don't give a shit have no issues with getting pregnant? It's unfair.
I think if I lived in a different place.. A house with no children, and no constant reminders about the fact that my reproductive system has been shut off, that I would feel better.
I'm having less mood swings but sometimes it's difficult to contain my frustrations.
For example, my niece is 3.5 years old and isn't potty-trained yet. She also doesn't have a bedtime. Tonight she went to bed at 11pm. She rarely gets disciplined, and she pretty much gets her way all the time. She's an only child and the first grandchild so you can imagine how spoiled she is. She doesn't listen well, she talks back, and is a very loud, attention-demanding child. I keep thinking "well if I had a kid, they'd have a regular bedtime, eat healthy, and play outside daily and if they talked sassy to me they'd be disciplined."
I need to stop thinking these thoughts because they're torturing me. I just want my niece to grow up to be smart, self-disciplined, happy, and successful. I see behaviour issues early and it worries me. I guess it's my job as an aunt to worry..
Anyways, I'm going to go now, I'll be sure to check in often! There are some other things I need to update.
Xoxoxoxo
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