I'm finally getting over that burst cyst episode. The weather is also getting nice. I've been trying to pick up extra hours at work so that I can catch up with my finances.
I'm so FUCKING tired. I'm sorry for the profanity but I'm just terribly frustrated.
Imagine being sick for an entire year and being unable to pretty much do anything. Now imagine feeling awesome. Yay! Ok, let's go for a short bike ride, to the park and do some grocery shopping. Sounds easy enough right? Well to a person like me, a day like that (one that someone healthy would refer to as NORMAL) is simply exhausting. Today I slept most of the day. I got up at 3pm. I was so wiped I had to put an extra scoop in my coffee just to get enough energy to do the dishes. I went to the store later on to look for pickles and after wandering the store for a little while, I was so tired my eyes felt like they were on fire and I ended up buying nothing because I just wanted to go home and crawl into bed.
If you've never dealt with a chronic illness before, you cannot imagine how frustrating this is. I just want to live a normal life. I shouldn't have to drag my ass out of bed just to do a couple chores. I know I'm whining right now but I can't help it. I used to be so active. I used to weigh 110 pounds and be this fit and energetic thing. Now I'm 20 pounds heavier and struggle just to function for one day. I want to cry I'm so upset. Is this what my life is going to be like now? I just turned 27 and I feel like I'm 87. All I want to do is to be able to go to university and get a career in the medical field. That's my dream.. but I can't do that. I can't stay awake for 12 hours straight, never mind work a shift that's 12 hours long.. Or go to school while working. It can't be done. Not with this body I have! I get so depressed because I can't do any of the things I want to do in life and I'm just watching everyone else succeed while I hang back with my boring office job getting yelled at by people over the phone who think I'm too stupid to be worth talking to with the slightest bit of respect.
I feel so ambitious but more than anything, I just want to rest all the time. My iron levels are fine.. my diet is fine.. my thyroid is fine. Everything is fucking fine but I'm exhausted. I just want to know why and I want it to stop. I want to live my life.. Not sleep through it. I'm sorry this has been such a sad post, but I had to vent.
Thank you for listening.
-M
Tuesday, March 26, 2013
Saturday, March 9, 2013
International Women's Day!
Wow guys I did NOT realize I haven't posted since October. My apologies. I've become more active on social media these days. Please follow me on Twitter @marcina to get more direct updates! Sadly, as one who doesn't own a computer, and my phone doesn't support blogger, I just didn't update the blog. Let's start right where we left off shall we?
October: I had an ovarian cyst causing immense pain. I had gone on medical L.O.A at work. I was depressed for weeks. I saw my doctor November 15th and he immediately suggested surgery. I was struggling to walk, to get out of bed, to feed myself, to pick things up.. I was disabled. Surgery happened December 3rd. The endometriosis had grown quickly and aggressively. Attacking both ovaries and also found in several spots in between. Lucky for me, the lesions were quite shallow. I also had minimal scar tissue from my previous surgery and ABSOLUTELY NO ADHESIONS. Go me.
Despite that, recover was tough. I had an incision by my hip bone where the right ovary was operated on. That's where the cyst was. That incision didn't heal properly and nearly became infected. About two weeks after my surgery I was told to rest as much as possible and restrict movement. Kind of like bed rest but not as strict. I missed out on a lot of Christmas festivities and did all my shopping in a wheelchair.
Christmas Day: I woke up vomiting. Violently. No fever though, so didn't go to the ER. I did miss Christmas with my family though, as I spent all day in bed.
Boxing Day: Severe abdominal pain, went to the ER. Place was packed.. stupid me felt guilty for being there. I decided I probably picked up a noravirus and went home and back to bed. I recovered by December 28th.
December 28th: I returned to work! Very happy day. I worked until New Year's Eve, and then spent a very romantic evening with my significant other (or as I like to call him, my Smismar -- like in Futurama lol). We ate chocolate and played video games. Sincerely the best night!
January: The first pain free month I've had in years!!! I was so happy. I started Visanne, which is a progesterone therapy that is new in Canada and studies showed this particular drug to actually shrink endometriosis lesions and improve pain in patients. The success rate is as good as GnRh agonists, but without the awful side effects. The only side effects I endured were headache, breast swelling/soreness and insomnia which faded. Except for the boob thing. They still hurt. *massages boobies*
January 10th: A friend of mine passed away after suffering a grand mal seizure. I become depressed again, but start doing more physical activity and picking up hours at work.
End of January: I get a fucking period.
Beginning of February: I grow another cyst on my damn stupid effing idiot right ovary. I have pain but not a significant amount.
March 1st: ENDOMETRIOSIS AWARENESS MONTH STARTS! Paint nails yellow.
March 2nd: damn stupid effing idiot ovarian cyst BURSTS. I endure 5 days of pain and eventually cave and go to the ER. They confirm I burst a cyst and my WBC count is high. Now given ciprofloxacin bid for 7 days.
March 8th: TODAY! INTERNATIONAL WOMEN'S DAY. Also, it's my birthday. Yes, I was born on the most important day of the year for women. I went to the local university where I watched a documentary called Miss Representation. It's an excellent film and I highly recommend it. I especially found it amazing because I have a career in a leadership role. I'm a middle leader and I feel like the film helped me understand why I haven't moved up that corporate ladder. We women just don't have enough confidence. After watching that film, I feel better about myself, and I know how to increase my self confidence and know that I can move up in my field. I work in a very fair environment with amazing people. I'm lucky to have never experienced sexual harassment, embarrassment, or endure any kind of "vulnerable" feelings, or feelings of inadequacy. The guest speaker at the university (University of the Fraser Valley) was none other than my long-time role model and favourite musician, Bif Naked. Bif is such an inspirational speaker. She is very easy to listen to, as soft-spoken as she is. She's very positive and glowing up on that podium. It honestly feels like you're having a conversation with a long time friend of relative. Since the university was offering coffee and refreshments, it was like going to the coffee shop for a chat with Bif. It was very personal and warm. I felt so comfortable there, except I couldn't stop shivering. Probably because I was medicated.
Bif spoke about what it's like to work in a career field dominated by men. Women make up a huge percentage of the workforce but hardly any of us have leadership roles. Bif is a leader because she is a front woman. She puts herself out there on stage and rocks her heart out. She does it with a band full of men, and a sea of screaming fans who, when she first started out especially, was primarily dominated by men. The punk rock scene just didn't have a lot of females in it. Bif basically had no choice but to act like one of the boys. She gained a lot of respect because of that. However, when record labels sign you, even though Bif is independent, she still has her albums being produced and marketed by the industry. As a result she had to pose in her underwear in some promotional photos for her album. She explained how her tattoos are like a shield, so that she can feel somewhat covered despite walking around in her underpants.
Bif has also had her fair share of body image issues. For years she struggled with an eating disorder. She made the transition from vegan to raw food vegan and when you're on tour with a band, there's not a whole lot to eat. I identified with this as I too, suffered from an eating disorder at the tender age of 15. I was hospitalized for it and my mind has to this day, never recovered. I gained 10 pounds after my surgery and I worked my butt off trying to shed that weight. I managed to lose 7 of those pounds before my cyst ruptured and now I'm back to being unable to walk. Well.. I can walk.. but if you've seen me attempt it you might refer to it as more of a "shuffle" or "hobble" HAHA!
Of course, to see Bif, the pain is worth it. I struggled with the stairs at the school but I got to sit down for a majority of the event which made it really good for me. Also, remember I was medicated so it wasn't really THAT bad ;)
I asked Bif a question I had been wanting to ask her for a long time. "How did you find the courage to speak out about your breast cancer diagnosis and treatment?"
For a lot of women, we avoid talking about our bodies. We especially avoid talking about our body's faults. With a disease like breast cancer, you feel very "exposed." With Bif's celebrity status, she didn't get to go through treatment as an individual. She had to do it as Bif Naked. She was in the spotlight. When she was diagnosed in 2007, she was already in the media quite a bit as she had just gotten married a month prior to her diagnosis. When she first spoke out about being diagnosed with breast cancer, she was all over the news. TV, newspapers, the internet.. You name it. Front page. For the first time in her life, she stopped touring so that she could fight cancer and get better. However, she didn't stop working. She wrote and recorded "The Promise" during the 2 years she underwent chemotherapy and radiation treatments. The album is so powerful and whenever I think of how hard she worked on it despite being sick, I tear up a little. It's absolutely inspirational. I mean, how can you NOT ADMIRE THAT??
Bif Naked got through her treatments by having a sense of humour the entire time. She would entertain the nurses, fellow patients, doctors, friends and family. She would crack jokes to help put people at ease because face it; a lot of us were worried about her! Stage II breast cancer at the age of 36 tends to be very aggressive and very scary. She referred to 2008 as "Year Of The Tit" on her Myspace blog, as that is when she started her treatments if I remember correctly. Even now, Bif still has a great sense of humour. Many of you know by reading my blogs and tweets that I do too. I love jokes. I especially like inappropriate dirty jokes but I'll behave myself.. Sometimes!
Just the other day, as I was discharged from the hospital on the morning of March 7th, I returned to work later that evening. I just slept all day and went to work with my prescription in hand. The manager who drove me to the hospital the night prior asked "WHAT are you doing here?" And I said "I'm fine! I'm not dead yet!" And laughed heartily. My manager was stunned that I would say such a thing and sat in silence for a few moments. I don't think she was expecting that reaction from me. So, I casually told her what the doctor's found. Ruptured cyst.. Possible infection, being treated with pain medications and antibiotics. I told her I'm fine to work since I have a desk job. As long as I don't walk around or pick things up and carry them, I'll be okay. She seemed a bit more at ease after that. I recall her making a remark about my pain tolerance though. I've heard from a few people now that I have the most amazing high pain threshold of anyone they've met. I've had several ruptured cysts. I don't even KNOW. I've had two laparoscopic surgeries, one cystoscopy (with no sedation by the way) and one colonoscopy. I've done countless blood tests, ultrasounds, urine tests (I can pee in a cup like a pro now) and you name it, I've done it. How do I do it? By remembering Bif Naked, and how she went to work during her cancer treatment until that album was done. How she participated in a clinical trial about the effects of exercise during cancer treatment. How she laughs and jokes and has a positive attitude about EVERYTHING.
I only hope that she knows how much of an inspiration she's been to me, and how much stronger I am now because of it.
Thank you for taking the time to read my blog, my dear readers. YOU are also an inspiration.
Xoxoxoxo
October: I had an ovarian cyst causing immense pain. I had gone on medical L.O.A at work. I was depressed for weeks. I saw my doctor November 15th and he immediately suggested surgery. I was struggling to walk, to get out of bed, to feed myself, to pick things up.. I was disabled. Surgery happened December 3rd. The endometriosis had grown quickly and aggressively. Attacking both ovaries and also found in several spots in between. Lucky for me, the lesions were quite shallow. I also had minimal scar tissue from my previous surgery and ABSOLUTELY NO ADHESIONS. Go me.
Despite that, recover was tough. I had an incision by my hip bone where the right ovary was operated on. That's where the cyst was. That incision didn't heal properly and nearly became infected. About two weeks after my surgery I was told to rest as much as possible and restrict movement. Kind of like bed rest but not as strict. I missed out on a lot of Christmas festivities and did all my shopping in a wheelchair.
Christmas Day: I woke up vomiting. Violently. No fever though, so didn't go to the ER. I did miss Christmas with my family though, as I spent all day in bed.
Boxing Day: Severe abdominal pain, went to the ER. Place was packed.. stupid me felt guilty for being there. I decided I probably picked up a noravirus and went home and back to bed. I recovered by December 28th.
December 28th: I returned to work! Very happy day. I worked until New Year's Eve, and then spent a very romantic evening with my significant other (or as I like to call him, my Smismar -- like in Futurama lol). We ate chocolate and played video games. Sincerely the best night!
January: The first pain free month I've had in years!!! I was so happy. I started Visanne, which is a progesterone therapy that is new in Canada and studies showed this particular drug to actually shrink endometriosis lesions and improve pain in patients. The success rate is as good as GnRh agonists, but without the awful side effects. The only side effects I endured were headache, breast swelling/soreness and insomnia which faded. Except for the boob thing. They still hurt. *massages boobies*
January 10th: A friend of mine passed away after suffering a grand mal seizure. I become depressed again, but start doing more physical activity and picking up hours at work.
End of January: I get a fucking period.
Beginning of February: I grow another cyst on my damn stupid effing idiot right ovary. I have pain but not a significant amount.
March 1st: ENDOMETRIOSIS AWARENESS MONTH STARTS! Paint nails yellow.
March 2nd: damn stupid effing idiot ovarian cyst BURSTS. I endure 5 days of pain and eventually cave and go to the ER. They confirm I burst a cyst and my WBC count is high. Now given ciprofloxacin bid for 7 days.
March 8th: TODAY! INTERNATIONAL WOMEN'S DAY. Also, it's my birthday. Yes, I was born on the most important day of the year for women. I went to the local university where I watched a documentary called Miss Representation. It's an excellent film and I highly recommend it. I especially found it amazing because I have a career in a leadership role. I'm a middle leader and I feel like the film helped me understand why I haven't moved up that corporate ladder. We women just don't have enough confidence. After watching that film, I feel better about myself, and I know how to increase my self confidence and know that I can move up in my field. I work in a very fair environment with amazing people. I'm lucky to have never experienced sexual harassment, embarrassment, or endure any kind of "vulnerable" feelings, or feelings of inadequacy. The guest speaker at the university (University of the Fraser Valley) was none other than my long-time role model and favourite musician, Bif Naked. Bif is such an inspirational speaker. She is very easy to listen to, as soft-spoken as she is. She's very positive and glowing up on that podium. It honestly feels like you're having a conversation with a long time friend of relative. Since the university was offering coffee and refreshments, it was like going to the coffee shop for a chat with Bif. It was very personal and warm. I felt so comfortable there, except I couldn't stop shivering. Probably because I was medicated.
Bif spoke about what it's like to work in a career field dominated by men. Women make up a huge percentage of the workforce but hardly any of us have leadership roles. Bif is a leader because she is a front woman. She puts herself out there on stage and rocks her heart out. She does it with a band full of men, and a sea of screaming fans who, when she first started out especially, was primarily dominated by men. The punk rock scene just didn't have a lot of females in it. Bif basically had no choice but to act like one of the boys. She gained a lot of respect because of that. However, when record labels sign you, even though Bif is independent, she still has her albums being produced and marketed by the industry. As a result she had to pose in her underwear in some promotional photos for her album. She explained how her tattoos are like a shield, so that she can feel somewhat covered despite walking around in her underpants.
Bif has also had her fair share of body image issues. For years she struggled with an eating disorder. She made the transition from vegan to raw food vegan and when you're on tour with a band, there's not a whole lot to eat. I identified with this as I too, suffered from an eating disorder at the tender age of 15. I was hospitalized for it and my mind has to this day, never recovered. I gained 10 pounds after my surgery and I worked my butt off trying to shed that weight. I managed to lose 7 of those pounds before my cyst ruptured and now I'm back to being unable to walk. Well.. I can walk.. but if you've seen me attempt it you might refer to it as more of a "shuffle" or "hobble" HAHA!
Of course, to see Bif, the pain is worth it. I struggled with the stairs at the school but I got to sit down for a majority of the event which made it really good for me. Also, remember I was medicated so it wasn't really THAT bad ;)
I asked Bif a question I had been wanting to ask her for a long time. "How did you find the courage to speak out about your breast cancer diagnosis and treatment?"
For a lot of women, we avoid talking about our bodies. We especially avoid talking about our body's faults. With a disease like breast cancer, you feel very "exposed." With Bif's celebrity status, she didn't get to go through treatment as an individual. She had to do it as Bif Naked. She was in the spotlight. When she was diagnosed in 2007, she was already in the media quite a bit as she had just gotten married a month prior to her diagnosis. When she first spoke out about being diagnosed with breast cancer, she was all over the news. TV, newspapers, the internet.. You name it. Front page. For the first time in her life, she stopped touring so that she could fight cancer and get better. However, she didn't stop working. She wrote and recorded "The Promise" during the 2 years she underwent chemotherapy and radiation treatments. The album is so powerful and whenever I think of how hard she worked on it despite being sick, I tear up a little. It's absolutely inspirational. I mean, how can you NOT ADMIRE THAT??
Bif Naked got through her treatments by having a sense of humour the entire time. She would entertain the nurses, fellow patients, doctors, friends and family. She would crack jokes to help put people at ease because face it; a lot of us were worried about her! Stage II breast cancer at the age of 36 tends to be very aggressive and very scary. She referred to 2008 as "Year Of The Tit" on her Myspace blog, as that is when she started her treatments if I remember correctly. Even now, Bif still has a great sense of humour. Many of you know by reading my blogs and tweets that I do too. I love jokes. I especially like inappropriate dirty jokes but I'll behave myself.. Sometimes!
Just the other day, as I was discharged from the hospital on the morning of March 7th, I returned to work later that evening. I just slept all day and went to work with my prescription in hand. The manager who drove me to the hospital the night prior asked "WHAT are you doing here?" And I said "I'm fine! I'm not dead yet!" And laughed heartily. My manager was stunned that I would say such a thing and sat in silence for a few moments. I don't think she was expecting that reaction from me. So, I casually told her what the doctor's found. Ruptured cyst.. Possible infection, being treated with pain medications and antibiotics. I told her I'm fine to work since I have a desk job. As long as I don't walk around or pick things up and carry them, I'll be okay. She seemed a bit more at ease after that. I recall her making a remark about my pain tolerance though. I've heard from a few people now that I have the most amazing high pain threshold of anyone they've met. I've had several ruptured cysts. I don't even KNOW. I've had two laparoscopic surgeries, one cystoscopy (with no sedation by the way) and one colonoscopy. I've done countless blood tests, ultrasounds, urine tests (I can pee in a cup like a pro now) and you name it, I've done it. How do I do it? By remembering Bif Naked, and how she went to work during her cancer treatment until that album was done. How she participated in a clinical trial about the effects of exercise during cancer treatment. How she laughs and jokes and has a positive attitude about EVERYTHING.
I only hope that she knows how much of an inspiration she's been to me, and how much stronger I am now because of it.
Thank you for taking the time to read my blog, my dear readers. YOU are also an inspiration.
Xoxoxoxo
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