A Lesson In REALITY

I keep feeling crummy.
Not everyday, mind you, but I can't help but let my mind wander when it comes to the realization that I have endometriosis.

I've decided to do the surgery. I'm scared of what they'll find in there, but not as afraid or as anxious I would be not knowing.
Not knowing, to me, is worse. I want to know how bad it is, and how it affects my future.
I want to know if I can have kids or not.

In less than a month I'll be 25. I've had symptoms for 2 years. I'm single right now too. A lot of endometriosis patients are told to start their family as early as they can. After all, there is a 40% infertility rate among patients. Miscarriage risk is high too.. Not to mention ectopic pregnancies which can be life-threatening.
Needless to say, not a lot of women with endometriosis are having kids beyond their mid-20s. The disease starts in the early 20s usually, and starts spreading, growing, and destroying.
I have to face a reality that I may never have children. I don't think I'm going to meet a guy, get married, and be ready for kids before 28. By then it might be too late. It might even be too late now, I don't know.

Every time I'm with women who have kids (which is every woman in my family except myself, and most of my female friends, and friends of the family, and my neighbors) I get depressed. I can't help myself.. What if I can't have kids?? And most of the time these women seem uninterested in talking to me because they want to talk about their families and well.. I don't have one.
Why listen to what the single woman without children has to say? She's don't nothing important with her life. *rolls eyes*

I don't have a choice in the matter.. But I'm not about to blurt out "I'm single because I have a disease destroying my reproductive organs!" Just so people will stop asking me why I don't have kids or a boyfriend.

Most of the people I talk to don't know what endometriosis is. I tried sending links to endometriosis.org (which has really educated me and made me not feel so alone) to my family members but nobody will take the time to read it.. I'm told they're "busy".. But it really only requires 5-10 minutes of reading. A lot of it is in point-form too, like the symptoms for easy reading.

Which brings me to my next fear:

What if nobody believes me?

That's ok, as long as my doctor does. I just want support from my family. I don't expect them to understand.. But I want them to know what this illness is I have and try to learn about it so they know why I'm tired, or in pain, or irritable. I want them to be there if I need them. Most of the time, I just need someone to talk to..


Thanks for reading.

Xoxox

M.