It didn't end up that way.
My hormone imbalance has gotten worse. I started having panic attacks, obsessive compulsions, major depression, psychosis.. Shit like that.. I started losing my mind. This all began shortly after my ultrasound and other tests. I saw 2 shrinks, numerous therapists, I started group therapy..which I since quit. I got into alcohol and painkiller abuse, but it was very short-lived because my bank account was drained because I had to stop working. I contemplated suicide.
Basically, I hit what one of my shrinks refers to as "THE PIT." I was balls deep in the pit. And then he told me what caused it. Something none of my other therapists or doctors were able to figure out.
Spending 5 years in constant pain and sickness is making me crazy.
Think about it. Since 2011 I have had 4 surgeries. All of them only temporarily causing relief. Except the thing I had done to my bladder. That actually worked. No more constant cystitis is pretty sweet.
Also I have not processed the death of my brother properly. I can't say his name out loud without bawling my face off. I talk to someone every Tuesday about this. Because I'm borderline agoraphobic we have our meetings over the phone.
One week after being told the base of my mental health issues all have to do with my pain and suffering caused by the evil endometriosis monster, I get told it had returned.
About 3 weeks ago, I got the flu. The nasty one that's killing people all over the country. Well, I got vaccinated for it so my symptoms were mild. I coughed a lot, was tired, and felt run down and poopy. After the symptoms started to ease, I was awoken by what I can only describe as the worst pain I've ever felt in my life. My uterus decided to contract so hard it took my breath away. It hurt so much I actually thought I ruptured something inside me. I couldn't sit or stand or lay down. I hobbled to the kitchen to get my emergency stash of tramacets and took two. About 20 minutes later the pain vanished. I went back to sleep thinking about how weird that was and figured I probably pulled a muscle coughing too hard. "It was a fluke. Probably won't happen again."
It happened every single night for two more weeks. How the hell I put up with this, I don't know. I thought it could be many things.. Strained muscle. Pelvic floor spasms. Hernia. I was tempted to go to the emergency room but hey! I'm OCD and a germaphobe and it's smack dab in the middle of flu season so fuck that.
I of course made an appointment with my doctor after having the pain 3 nights in a row but it was a wait to see him because he's a surgeon as well and only works in the clinic 3 days a week.
I walked into the doctor's office expecting him to feel my belly for a weird bulge that could be a hernia or something. I HOPED it was a hernia or something. He did a pelvic exam and felt a nodule behind my uterus. I of course "OUCHED!!" and squirmed because well.. ouch!
So that motherfucking endometriosis secretly grew a bastard child behind my fricken womb!! He told me it was back. He told me I need surgery again. He told me my immune system is out of whack (because my body decided to attack itself while I was sick with the flu. I'm still fighting it.) I cried. I cried until my ride came to get me from the doctors.. then I went home and moped for hours.
I'm so unbelievably finished with this disease. I've been unable to work since November 11th 2013. I miss my job every day. I miss the people. I miss being able to leave the house. I miss being able to function. All I do is feel sorry for myself and I hate feeling sorry for myself. I wanted to go back to school in the fall and study medicine. I want to help other women with this disease. I want to help other people in pain, but I am too busy taking care of myself. I am strongly considering having my reproductive organs removed. This is a very big decision and I'm researching what my chances of a normal life will be following a radical hysterectomy. If a majority of my endometriosis is confined to the uterus, it will be in my favour. However, I also have ectopic endometriosis. It has been found on my ovaries and peritoneum. Each cell would have to be removed or it will grow back, and then everything will have been in vain.
The type of endometriosis I have is very aggressive and grows back quickly. I have been on hormone therapy for 3 years and it still grows back within a year. I don't ovulate or get periods anymore yet the disease still grows. The lining of my uterus is basically non-existent because the drugs caused it to atrophy. Yet the endometriosis. Still. Grows.
I am scared shitless, but I'm going to fight balls to the wall because I'm not ready to back down yet.
