I'm having a hard time dealing with my brother's death. I've been encased in a black cloud of depression. I try to keep busy and then I'm ok for a little while until something sets me off.
Life just really sucks right now.
My family just goes about their daily life as if nothing changed. I'm not sure if they're in denial, trying to stay strong, or just not that sad. I have no idea. I feel like the weak one. I'm in my room most of the time, and I cry a lot. Every night I cry myself to sleep. I haven't worked since Tuesday and I'm returning tomorrow because I feel pressured to by my family. They keep wondering why I haven't gone back yet, so I called today.
I guess it'll help occupy my mind..
Let's see, I haven't seen my brother in 11 years but I missed him all those years. I hoped he would call us or e-mail or contact us somehow. I held onto the hope I'd see him again. I don't have that anymore. He was the first friend I made in life. He taught me things and influenced me in positive ways to help make me who I am today. He was a role model. The only brother I had and the only one I'll always have. I have a lot of memories about him from early childhood. It hurts he's gone. I can barely bring myself to leave the house for an hour. My family has been gone all day. They've gone to the fair. I don't get it.. Is it a distraction? I have no idea. My grandparents are out so maybe they just don't want to be sad in front of them?
It confuses me..
My pain follows me wherever I go. It never goes away.
I bite my lip a lot to keep from crying. I hold back until late at night when it's ok to cry.
Saturday, July 30, 2011
Tuesday, July 26, 2011
Dear Big Brother
Hi,
It's your little sister. I don't know if you get letters in Heaven, or wherever you may be. I found out you left today. It hurts. I always wanted to see you. I always wondered where you were, what you were doing, and how life was treating you.
I'm going to take a guess that life wasn't that kind to you. You see, we are the same, and throughout the years we were apart I figured you probably had a hard time with things. There are events that happen in life that get engraved in our memories. They follow us wherever we go and no matter how hard we try to fight it, they continue haunting us.
I wish I could have been there for you. I want you to know that no matter how far away you were, I always loved you and I still do. You're the only big brother I've had and I cherish the memories we have. I want you to know that because during the hard times, we forget that people love us because we're in so much pain.
You see, I tried to end it all in 2008. I struggled with depression throughout my childhood and into adulthood. I let it consume me until I realized that I was hurting everyone more than I was hurting myself. It makes me sad knowing that you were probably hurting all alone. I don't know for sure but I feel like you were. Nobody should have to feel that way. Nobody should make others feel that way either. I don't know how you passed away, but please know I'm only sad because I love you so much and I miss you very much. Whatever happened, don't blame yourself. Just focus on finding peace and holding onto it. Nothing can hurt you now. I look forward to the day we meet again.. Where I can be your little sister and give you a big hug and let you know that you've been missed for. Very very long time.
I want you to smile, big brother. I will never ever forget you.
Love, your little sister.
P.S: I still have some of your Lego.
It's your little sister. I don't know if you get letters in Heaven, or wherever you may be. I found out you left today. It hurts. I always wanted to see you. I always wondered where you were, what you were doing, and how life was treating you.
I'm going to take a guess that life wasn't that kind to you. You see, we are the same, and throughout the years we were apart I figured you probably had a hard time with things. There are events that happen in life that get engraved in our memories. They follow us wherever we go and no matter how hard we try to fight it, they continue haunting us.
I wish I could have been there for you. I want you to know that no matter how far away you were, I always loved you and I still do. You're the only big brother I've had and I cherish the memories we have. I want you to know that because during the hard times, we forget that people love us because we're in so much pain.
You see, I tried to end it all in 2008. I struggled with depression throughout my childhood and into adulthood. I let it consume me until I realized that I was hurting everyone more than I was hurting myself. It makes me sad knowing that you were probably hurting all alone. I don't know for sure but I feel like you were. Nobody should have to feel that way. Nobody should make others feel that way either. I don't know how you passed away, but please know I'm only sad because I love you so much and I miss you very much. Whatever happened, don't blame yourself. Just focus on finding peace and holding onto it. Nothing can hurt you now. I look forward to the day we meet again.. Where I can be your little sister and give you a big hug and let you know that you've been missed for. Very very long time.
I want you to smile, big brother. I will never ever forget you.
Love, your little sister.
P.S: I still have some of your Lego.
Saturday, July 23, 2011
Rest Isn't Enough
Hello readers! I apologize in advance but I'm picking this day to whine!
My period ended a couple days ago (Thursday) and I'm struggling with major big time fatigue and some pain. Let's remember, I work nights now.
No matter how much or how little I sleep, whether or not I exercise, no matter how I eat: I'm exhausted.
I find myself waking up later and later every day despite going to bed earlier than normal. I just can't drag myself out of bed before 1pm.. Sometimes closer to 2pm. It makes me very sad. I no longer have time to do my favourite things.. Except yesterday I did work out for a half hour in an effort to boost my energy levels.
Today I feel completely wiped. I started my treatment Thursday but it won't take effect for a couple of weeks. I'm still in pain even though I really shouldn't be. It's on the right side and it hurts my side, back, and legs. Ibuprofen doesn't touch it. It's difficult trying to focus at work but I'm trying my best. I'm just so sick of this! When will it end? I need to whine because I am sad. I wake up, get ready for work, struggle to stay alert and focused and then I come home and go straight to bed. Nobody understands. I can't talk about how I feel with my family because they just go on about how shitty they feel. I'm not saying they don't deserve to whine either but whatever ails them will go away. Mine is forever. I just need someone to listen and understand. Not put me down or make me feel like I'm being a big baby who should just suck it up. So I stay quiet and vent on my little blog here instead.
Most of the time my family doesn't know what's going on with me. It's because I honestly don't think they care that much? I could be wrong but that's what it feels like. I'm so sad right now :(
I'm just so frustrated with having no energy and being in pain all the time and there's absolutely nothing I can do about it. I don't want people to think I'm lazy because I sleep so much. I want to be back to the way I was a little over a week ago. I had so much energy! Now I'm wasting every single day :(
I'm sorry for the negativity I just had to get all that out.
Thank you for listening.
My period ended a couple days ago (Thursday) and I'm struggling with major big time fatigue and some pain. Let's remember, I work nights now.
No matter how much or how little I sleep, whether or not I exercise, no matter how I eat: I'm exhausted.
I find myself waking up later and later every day despite going to bed earlier than normal. I just can't drag myself out of bed before 1pm.. Sometimes closer to 2pm. It makes me very sad. I no longer have time to do my favourite things.. Except yesterday I did work out for a half hour in an effort to boost my energy levels.
Today I feel completely wiped. I started my treatment Thursday but it won't take effect for a couple of weeks. I'm still in pain even though I really shouldn't be. It's on the right side and it hurts my side, back, and legs. Ibuprofen doesn't touch it. It's difficult trying to focus at work but I'm trying my best. I'm just so sick of this! When will it end? I need to whine because I am sad. I wake up, get ready for work, struggle to stay alert and focused and then I come home and go straight to bed. Nobody understands. I can't talk about how I feel with my family because they just go on about how shitty they feel. I'm not saying they don't deserve to whine either but whatever ails them will go away. Mine is forever. I just need someone to listen and understand. Not put me down or make me feel like I'm being a big baby who should just suck it up. So I stay quiet and vent on my little blog here instead.
Most of the time my family doesn't know what's going on with me. It's because I honestly don't think they care that much? I could be wrong but that's what it feels like. I'm so sad right now :(
I'm just so frustrated with having no energy and being in pain all the time and there's absolutely nothing I can do about it. I don't want people to think I'm lazy because I sleep so much. I want to be back to the way I was a little over a week ago. I had so much energy! Now I'm wasting every single day :(
I'm sorry for the negativity I just had to get all that out.
Thank you for listening.
Wednesday, July 20, 2011
Ten Things I Hate About Endo!!
Hi readers! It's been a rough couple of days here. I had two days off from work and wouldn't you know it? I get my period. However, I'm thankful I got it on my days off because I don't think I could have worked through that kind of pain! Yesterday wasn't so bad. It was a beautiful day and I decided to go for a bike ride. It was a lot of fun. I went to the park, did trails, rode around the neighborhood, climbed hills.. Unfortunately I was greeted at home with immense pain afterwards.. But I didn't let it get me down!
Then the next day I was extremely fatigued. I felt drained all day long and the pain was intense. I found it difficult to get out of bed. I was horizontal for most of the day, drifting in and out.. Drowsing and struggling to stay awake. Advil helped take the edge off but not as much as curling up in bed.
Which brings me to the number one thing I hate about endo. The first one is a no-brainer: PAIN! Endometriosis is all about pain. I mean, you have lesions growing inside you. Benign growths, sometimes masses, chocolate cysts, or "tumors". They bleed, they cause inflammation, scarring, adhesions and for lack of a better term "fuck shit up." I had my growths removed surgically.. However, removing endometriosis is like removing cancer: sometimes a few cells get left behind.. And they grow and form more cells until they become masses. Then you have a problem all over again.
My doctor wants to start me on continuous progestin treatment. Over the course of several months I will not get a period. The lining of my uterus will shrink. The drug will cause atrophy. This also causes endometriosis cells to shrink and become inactive.. Much like my uterus or what I like to call it: my "broken oven."
Which brings me to number two:
Infertility. After my diagnosis and surgery I continue to go through a grieving process. I went through depression already, now I'm on anger. I'm on a "I don't give a shit if I can't have kids because I don't want any" kick. However I dislike children altogether and have bitter feelings towards young couples who are starting families. Immature? Yes. Petty? You better believe it. But this is how I'm dealing with it, so let it go. This feeling will pass. It's better than denial, which I've already gone through. The whole "I'm not sick, I'm fine, I don't need drugs" bit. That didn't go over well. My endo is growing back because of that. I went through guilt already. I punished myself thinking I "deserve" this disease and isolated myself from people. I haven't bargained yet.. I don't think there's any negotiating with this illness.
Number three: This Disease has NO CURE.
That's right folks, I'm stuck with it for life. I'll take lots of drugs, have surgeries, probably end up getting a hysterectomy in the future.. And what good does it do? It's all temporary relief. There's no cure and the treatment options are pretty lousy. I'm a stronger person for having this illness though. I rarely, if ever, let it get in the way of my life. I just wish the hormones didn't have such horrible side effects..
Number Four: Fatigue
Ok the fatigue used to be number two but now it's number four because ever since I started exercising again I've had more energy.. Except for today. I used to have to drag my ass around every day. I couldn't stay awake for longer than 12 hours at a time because I was so godawfully tired as hell. During menses I feel like this. Other times I seem to be okay.
Number five: Digestive problems.
I have IBS: Irritable Bowel Syndrome AND endometriosis. When I am about to get a period, I get sick. I have stomachaches, cramping, bloating, and I have to go the bathroom more often. Not a fun time. I have to watch everything I eat so I don't get sick all the time. It's good because I eat healthy and stay trim. It sucks because I can't eat a lot of foods. It takes getting used to..
Number Six: Hormonal imbalances. These cause acne, mood-swings, temperature fluctuations (not hot flashes but sometimes I'm cold when it's not, or too warm when it isn't), my hair falls out more than it should, skin is either too oily or too dry.. So frustrating!
Number Seven: Random inflammation of my saliva glands/lymph nodes in the neck. I don't know if this is endo-related or not but it happens a lot and it sucks!
Number Eight: Water Retention: Pants fit. Pants don't fit.. Pants fit! Pants no longer fit.. Hey my pants fit! Dammit they don't fit.. Etc etc etc
Number Nine: ALLERGIES! Endometriosis will fuck around with your immune system and make you allergic to shit right out of the blue.
Number Ten: Immune function: gettin sick a lot is never fun. I combat this by eating well, resting, and exercising.
So that's ten things I hate about endo. I'm sure there's more. I tweet about them all the time :P
Lol!
Then the next day I was extremely fatigued. I felt drained all day long and the pain was intense. I found it difficult to get out of bed. I was horizontal for most of the day, drifting in and out.. Drowsing and struggling to stay awake. Advil helped take the edge off but not as much as curling up in bed.
Which brings me to the number one thing I hate about endo. The first one is a no-brainer: PAIN! Endometriosis is all about pain. I mean, you have lesions growing inside you. Benign growths, sometimes masses, chocolate cysts, or "tumors". They bleed, they cause inflammation, scarring, adhesions and for lack of a better term "fuck shit up." I had my growths removed surgically.. However, removing endometriosis is like removing cancer: sometimes a few cells get left behind.. And they grow and form more cells until they become masses. Then you have a problem all over again.
My doctor wants to start me on continuous progestin treatment. Over the course of several months I will not get a period. The lining of my uterus will shrink. The drug will cause atrophy. This also causes endometriosis cells to shrink and become inactive.. Much like my uterus or what I like to call it: my "broken oven."
Which brings me to number two:
Infertility. After my diagnosis and surgery I continue to go through a grieving process. I went through depression already, now I'm on anger. I'm on a "I don't give a shit if I can't have kids because I don't want any" kick. However I dislike children altogether and have bitter feelings towards young couples who are starting families. Immature? Yes. Petty? You better believe it. But this is how I'm dealing with it, so let it go. This feeling will pass. It's better than denial, which I've already gone through. The whole "I'm not sick, I'm fine, I don't need drugs" bit. That didn't go over well. My endo is growing back because of that. I went through guilt already. I punished myself thinking I "deserve" this disease and isolated myself from people. I haven't bargained yet.. I don't think there's any negotiating with this illness.
Number three: This Disease has NO CURE.
That's right folks, I'm stuck with it for life. I'll take lots of drugs, have surgeries, probably end up getting a hysterectomy in the future.. And what good does it do? It's all temporary relief. There's no cure and the treatment options are pretty lousy. I'm a stronger person for having this illness though. I rarely, if ever, let it get in the way of my life. I just wish the hormones didn't have such horrible side effects..
Number Four: Fatigue
Ok the fatigue used to be number two but now it's number four because ever since I started exercising again I've had more energy.. Except for today. I used to have to drag my ass around every day. I couldn't stay awake for longer than 12 hours at a time because I was so godawfully tired as hell. During menses I feel like this. Other times I seem to be okay.
Number five: Digestive problems.
I have IBS: Irritable Bowel Syndrome AND endometriosis. When I am about to get a period, I get sick. I have stomachaches, cramping, bloating, and I have to go the bathroom more often. Not a fun time. I have to watch everything I eat so I don't get sick all the time. It's good because I eat healthy and stay trim. It sucks because I can't eat a lot of foods. It takes getting used to..
Number Six: Hormonal imbalances. These cause acne, mood-swings, temperature fluctuations (not hot flashes but sometimes I'm cold when it's not, or too warm when it isn't), my hair falls out more than it should, skin is either too oily or too dry.. So frustrating!
Number Seven: Random inflammation of my saliva glands/lymph nodes in the neck. I don't know if this is endo-related or not but it happens a lot and it sucks!
Number Eight: Water Retention: Pants fit. Pants don't fit.. Pants fit! Pants no longer fit.. Hey my pants fit! Dammit they don't fit.. Etc etc etc
Number Nine: ALLERGIES! Endometriosis will fuck around with your immune system and make you allergic to shit right out of the blue.
Number Ten: Immune function: gettin sick a lot is never fun. I combat this by eating well, resting, and exercising.
So that's ten things I hate about endo. I'm sure there's more. I tweet about them all the time :P
Lol!
Monday, July 18, 2011
Gettin Ready For Another Round
Namaste!
I have the day off from work today and I actually don't have an endless list of things I need to do today. Yahoo!
It's good because I got my "girl surprise" which every endometriosis patient dreads. I'm very tired, irritable, sore, and feeling drained. I want to be left alone to be a grouch on my own terms lol! I'm not very optimistic or friendly or bouncy during this time.
I slept a great deal last night, waking up at nearly 1 in the afternoon. Sheesh. I feel guilty about it but it's just what happens. I work nights now but I usually wake up around 11am or noon. I guess I needed my rest?
There's a great deal of things irritating me today but I'm trying really hard not to let it get to me or focus on them. I crave peace and quiet. That is all. I might go hide in the basement for a little while and play video games haha!
I have an appointment with the gynaecologist this Thursday before work. I will be starting a new treatment. I was supposed to go sooner but I held off on it because of my fears of potential side effects. I always get hit with the worst ones. Buuuut I know that the illness will only get worse the longer I leave it. I'm sure there's a treatment out there that can help me. I just don't want to be sick, feverish, achy, or nauseous from it!
I'll keep you updated.
Xoxoxoxo
M.
I have the day off from work today and I actually don't have an endless list of things I need to do today. Yahoo!
It's good because I got my "girl surprise" which every endometriosis patient dreads. I'm very tired, irritable, sore, and feeling drained. I want to be left alone to be a grouch on my own terms lol! I'm not very optimistic or friendly or bouncy during this time.
I slept a great deal last night, waking up at nearly 1 in the afternoon. Sheesh. I feel guilty about it but it's just what happens. I work nights now but I usually wake up around 11am or noon. I guess I needed my rest?
There's a great deal of things irritating me today but I'm trying really hard not to let it get to me or focus on them. I crave peace and quiet. That is all. I might go hide in the basement for a little while and play video games haha!
I have an appointment with the gynaecologist this Thursday before work. I will be starting a new treatment. I was supposed to go sooner but I held off on it because of my fears of potential side effects. I always get hit with the worst ones. Buuuut I know that the illness will only get worse the longer I leave it. I'm sure there's a treatment out there that can help me. I just don't want to be sick, feverish, achy, or nauseous from it!
I'll keep you updated.
Xoxoxoxo
M.
Wednesday, July 6, 2011
The Truth About Honesty
Namaste! I figured out how to get capital letters! Ok ok, it was purely accidental Lol! Anyways, now I can write better blog posts! I also have to turn off javascript on my phone to be able to post now, otherwise it goes all crazy. (Remember, I'm on a Blackberry!)
I know it's been awhile since I've posted. I've been extremely busy with my new position (which is full time!) Monday was day 7 of 7 in a row of working. Wow! I enjoy it though. It's such a fun job.
As for my pain, it's been under control. The hormone treatment I was on last month made me very sick so I had to stop. I'm currently not in treatment at this time. I exercise almost daily to control my pain now. I recently bought a bicycle to help me get around easier. It's so much fun riding a bike! I love it. I've also started going to the gym again. I'm able to afford nice things now since I got a nice raise and full time hours. It's great! Things at home could be better though. I'm going to start looking at new places in the fall. I have a boyfriend now, and he doesn't like coming over sometimes because of all the fighting and drama that goes on here. It's mega embarassing for me and makes me wanna climb into a hole.
So, todays subject isn't endometriosis, or people who can't get along because of bad tempers. It's about LYING. Now, I'm an honest person.. And I'd never do anything to consciously hurt a person. However, I am easily taken advantage of because I'm very trusting. BUT! I wasn't born yesterday. If someone lies to me, I figure it out quickly and I WILL call you out on it. So, do the smart thing: come clean. Don't bullshit people. They will see right through it, and before you know it, you're more alone than you've ever been in your entire life. Karma is instant.
Nothing angers me more than being lied to. I'd rather you disappoint me with bad news and admit you've done me wrong than blatantly lie about it. That being said, I'm very forgiving but I CANNOT forgive liars. That hurts. It insults my intelligence and strains my trust. Not cool! How can any relationship or friendship work out having sustained such a blow to the trust foundation by being pelted with lies? It can't.
So, that's my insight for today. I'm going to leave now that I've given some food for thought :)
Xoxoxo
M.
I know it's been awhile since I've posted. I've been extremely busy with my new position (which is full time!) Monday was day 7 of 7 in a row of working. Wow! I enjoy it though. It's such a fun job.
As for my pain, it's been under control. The hormone treatment I was on last month made me very sick so I had to stop. I'm currently not in treatment at this time. I exercise almost daily to control my pain now. I recently bought a bicycle to help me get around easier. It's so much fun riding a bike! I love it. I've also started going to the gym again. I'm able to afford nice things now since I got a nice raise and full time hours. It's great! Things at home could be better though. I'm going to start looking at new places in the fall. I have a boyfriend now, and he doesn't like coming over sometimes because of all the fighting and drama that goes on here. It's mega embarassing for me and makes me wanna climb into a hole.
So, todays subject isn't endometriosis, or people who can't get along because of bad tempers. It's about LYING. Now, I'm an honest person.. And I'd never do anything to consciously hurt a person. However, I am easily taken advantage of because I'm very trusting. BUT! I wasn't born yesterday. If someone lies to me, I figure it out quickly and I WILL call you out on it. So, do the smart thing: come clean. Don't bullshit people. They will see right through it, and before you know it, you're more alone than you've ever been in your entire life. Karma is instant.
Nothing angers me more than being lied to. I'd rather you disappoint me with bad news and admit you've done me wrong than blatantly lie about it. That being said, I'm very forgiving but I CANNOT forgive liars. That hurts. It insults my intelligence and strains my trust. Not cool! How can any relationship or friendship work out having sustained such a blow to the trust foundation by being pelted with lies? It can't.
So, that's my insight for today. I'm going to leave now that I've given some food for thought :)
Xoxoxo
M.
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