It's Back

I last left off with my post about being tested for cancer. Well everything turned out to be fine, and I decided to forget all about it and live my life to the fullest because HEALTHY!

It didn't end up that way.

My hormone imbalance has gotten worse. I started having panic attacks, obsessive compulsions, major depression, psychosis.. Shit like that.. I started losing my mind. This all began shortly after my ultrasound and other tests. I saw 2 shrinks, numerous therapists, I started group therapy..which I since quit. I got into alcohol and painkiller abuse, but it was very short-lived because my bank account was drained because I had to stop working. I contemplated suicide.

Basically, I hit what one of my shrinks refers to as "THE PIT." I was balls deep in the pit. And then he told me what caused it. Something none of my other therapists or doctors were able to figure out.

Spending 5 years in constant pain and sickness is making me crazy.

Think about it. Since 2011 I have had 4 surgeries. All of them only temporarily causing relief. Except the thing I had done to my bladder. That actually worked. No more constant cystitis is pretty sweet.

Also I have not processed the death of my brother properly. I can't say his name out loud without bawling my face off. I talk to someone every Tuesday about this. Because I'm borderline agoraphobic we have our meetings over the phone.

One week after being told the base of my mental health issues all have to do with my pain and suffering caused by the evil endometriosis monster, I get told it had returned.

About 3 weeks ago, I got the flu. The nasty one that's killing people all over the country. Well, I got vaccinated for it so my symptoms were mild. I coughed a lot, was tired, and felt run down and poopy. After the symptoms started to ease, I was awoken by what I can only describe as the worst pain I've ever felt in my life. My uterus decided to contract so hard it took my breath away. It hurt so much I actually thought I ruptured something inside me. I couldn't sit or stand or lay down. I hobbled to the kitchen to get my emergency stash of tramacets and took two. About 20 minutes later the pain vanished. I went back to sleep thinking about how weird that was and figured I probably pulled a muscle coughing too hard. "It was a fluke. Probably won't happen again."

It happened every single night for two more weeks. How the hell I put up with this, I don't know. I thought it could be many things.. Strained muscle. Pelvic floor spasms. Hernia. I was tempted to go to the emergency room but hey! I'm OCD and a germaphobe and it's smack dab in the middle of flu season so fuck that.

I of course made an appointment with my doctor after having the pain 3 nights in a row but it was a wait to see him because he's a surgeon as well and only works in the clinic 3 days a week.

I walked into the doctor's office expecting him to feel my belly for a weird bulge that could be a hernia or something. I HOPED it was a hernia or something. He did a pelvic exam and felt a nodule behind my uterus. I of course "OUCHED!!" and squirmed because well.. ouch!

So that motherfucking endometriosis secretly grew a bastard child behind my fricken womb!! He told me it was back. He told me I need surgery again. He told me my immune system is out of whack (because my body decided to attack itself while I was sick with the flu. I'm still fighting it.) I cried. I cried until my ride came to get me from the doctors.. then I went home and moped for hours. 

I'm so unbelievably finished with this disease. I've been unable to work since November 11th 2013. I miss my job every day. I miss the people. I miss being able to leave the house. I miss being able to function. All I do is feel sorry for myself and I hate feeling sorry for myself. I wanted to go back to school in the fall and study medicine. I want to help other women with this disease. I want to help other people in pain, but I am too busy taking care of myself. I am strongly considering having my reproductive organs removed. This is a very big decision and I'm researching what my chances of a normal life will be following a radical hysterectomy. If a majority of my endometriosis is confined to the uterus, it will be in my favour. However, I also have ectopic endometriosis. It has been found on my ovaries and peritoneum. Each cell would have to be removed or it will grow back, and then everything will have been in vain. 

The type of endometriosis I have is very aggressive and grows back quickly. I have been on hormone therapy for 3 years and it still grows back within a year. I don't ovulate or get periods anymore yet the disease still grows. The lining of my uterus is basically non-existent because the drugs caused it to atrophy. Yet the endometriosis. Still. Grows.

I am scared shitless, but I'm going to fight balls to the wall because I'm not ready to back down yet.

Put To The Test

So, for the past little while I've been working with my gyne to help curb the weird menopausal symptoms I've been having. Well, after being off the Visanne for a little while I got some bleeding. It hurt really bad and it made me extremely tired. After a week of it, I couldn't take it anymore and went back on it hoping to stop the bleeding. Well, it did for a few days, and then it came back. I've been bleeding again for I think 4-5 days. The thing is, it isn't normal blood. The entire time it has been extremely dark brown, very thick, and full of tissue clots. I apologize if this is really gross. Picture a beach with perfectly round stones shimmering in the water. Now imagine dolphins. *squeak squeak*. I'm sorry I put you through that.

Okay, so I will start with my stomach issues. Since July 20th, I've kept a food diary. The point in me starting this food diary was to see how much I was eating. The answer turned out to be: not a heck of a lot. I have daily nausea and experience a feeling of fullness after eating even a little. I feel worse after eating. I figured that maybe it was my IBS flaring up but this feels different. Last weekend, it got so bad that I actually thought I had the flu. I could not stomach anything. I struggle to get more than 1100 calories into my body a day. Just one month ago I was extremely active and feeling great. Now I can barely feed myself. I don't understand. So, I went to the doctor.

My list of complaints: nausea, bloating, feelings of fullness, fatigue (I didn't mention this earlier but holy crap. I am so damn tired. ALL THE TIME!) I feel like I have a cyst on my ovary.
My doctor told me the symptoms I have are not symptoms of an ovarian cyst. He got kind of a concerned look on his face. He tells me he's sending me for an ultrasound. "Oh great. Another one." I think to myself.
I go to the front and they make the appointment as I'm standing there. This is odd because usually, they make the appointment and then give me a call later to let me know when it is. Apparently it's quite urgent that I get this done. I'm booked for a month from today. That is pretty quick, actually, for this town. The shortest I've had to wait in the past is 3 months.
I know these symptoms I'm having are weird. What's weirder is how quickly my doctor suddenly wants tests done and how fast he said he wanted me to have them done. I didn't even finish my list of complaints yet. I just said I feel like I have a cyst on my ovary and I can't eat.
I dunno if I'm being paranoid here but I think I'm being screened for cancer. Ovarian cancer. The doctor didn't use the "c" word himself but did say that he wanted to look for "abnormalities". I probably just have IBS and whacked out hormones from being on again off again with the Visanne.  However, the more I experience the fatigue and feelings of nausea and general unwellness, the more I worry. I'm trying to be nonchalant about it. I try going about my daily life.. the problem is, I'm too sick and too tired to do it. I went rock climbing yesterday and normally that makes me feel rejuvenated and boosts my appetite. Today, I'm a zombie. I've been in bed all day. This is just so weird. It feels like a dream. How do i tell my parents? My boyfriend? My boss? My co-workers? I sure hope I feel better soon and that this whole testing thing ends up being for nothing.

BLLLLLLLLAAAAAAAAAARGGH. Indeed

So update with me. I've been off hormone therapy for I dunno.. A week I suppose. I was off it for two weeks prior and went back on it because I thought I was getting a cyst. Stopped taking it again after a week because my joints hurt so bad I couldn't do my job. I have a desk job. I had severe cramping in my hands.
Well anyhoo I got a period. MY FIRST PERIOD IN A YEAR. It makes sense now why I've been on an emotional rollercoaster and really really really friggin tired. What I don't get is that my joints STILL hurt, and I get hot flashes and chills now. Night sweats are back with a vengeance too. I was actually not having those for a little while. Oh man. The cramping and pelvic pain isn't that bad though, and it's not very heavy either. Actually, as far as periods go, it's barely there. I had one day where it was bad and I just stayed in bed thinking about what it would be like if I was born a man. So anyways I'm typing away here and my hands and wrists are cramping up so I may add more later. Some endosisters think I'm perimenopausal. They may be right. We'll see what the doc says.

Ciao!

I Missed You Guys!

I'm sorry for the long-awaited update, those who regularily follow my blog. Lots has happened. Lots of good stuff mostly! I've been a very busy girl. However I will provide an update on my health here.

1. Menopause was getting to my head. Quite literally. I felt like I was going mental. I started having anxiety attacks and bouts of depression. This led me to see the doctor, who prescribed me anti-depressants. After taking them for a few weeks/a month, I was still having problems. I decided to see my other doctor, the specialist who did my surgeries. By that time, the symptoms had progressed to the point where I had joint pain, and horrible horrible short term memory loss (which I'm still dealing with.) enter new treatment plan.

2. The plan was to stop hormone therapy for one month. The first week was great. Now I'm on week two and the pain has already returned. I'm quite certain I'm building an ovarian cyst as I write this. If it weren't for the roofers I believe the pain would have kept me awake all morning. I have the classic sharp pain on my right side that shoots down the front of my leg. For someone who hasn't needed to take painkillers in several months, this is rather disappointing.
However I DO have a prescription for 6 months worth of my beloved hormone therapy (Visanne) and I will go to the pharmacy today and put a stop to this war raging inside me.
I'm just going to have to deal with the fact that I'm a forgetful nutter when i take it.

If I can't stay on this drug for long I am seriously considering more drastic measures to deal with this. Namely, a hysterectomy and removal of the evil ovary that continuously grows cysts. I mean continuously! I had three rupture just in the past year. My job performance suffered, my financial situation suffered, and *I* suffered. This is partially why I'm going mental. I am always afraid of another cyst blowing up and rendering me completely useless. The last one took a month to recover from. I mean, I could barely walk. Also it happened 3 months after I had my surgery. I was lucky I went to the hospital when I did because I was starting to get an infection.
Dealing with this disease can be so hard because there is no cure. NO. CURE. I will have this my entire life. My doctor suggested I see a therapist but I can't afford one. There's a mental health organization nearby but i'm so nervous about going in there. I guess, I feel like I'm better off handling this my way which is essentially living life to the fullest until the disease progresses to the point where I no longer can. Every day where I don't have pain, I am so grateful and make the most of it. This is why i'm going to go back on hormone therapy today.

Tired.. So tired.

I'm finally getting over that burst cyst episode. The weather is also getting nice. I've been trying to pick up extra hours at work so that I can catch up with my finances.

I'm so FUCKING tired. I'm sorry for the profanity but I'm just terribly frustrated.

Imagine being sick for an entire year and being unable to pretty much do anything. Now imagine feeling awesome. Yay! Ok, let's go for a short bike ride, to the park and do some grocery shopping. Sounds easy enough right? Well to a person like me, a day like that (one that someone healthy would refer to as NORMAL) is simply exhausting. Today I slept most of the day. I got up at 3pm. I was so wiped I had to put an extra scoop in my coffee just to get enough energy to do the dishes. I went to the store later on to look for pickles and after wandering the store for a little while, I was so tired my eyes felt like they were on fire and I ended up buying nothing because I just wanted to go home and crawl into bed.
If you've never dealt with a chronic illness before, you cannot imagine how frustrating this is. I just want to live a normal life. I shouldn't have to drag my ass out of bed just to do a couple chores. I know I'm whining right now but I can't help it. I used to be so active. I used to weigh 110 pounds and be this fit and energetic thing. Now I'm 20 pounds heavier and struggle just to function for one day. I want to cry I'm so upset. Is this what my life is going to be like now? I just turned 27 and I feel like I'm 87. All I want to do is to be able to go to university and get a career in the medical field. That's my dream.. but I can't do that. I can't stay awake for 12 hours straight, never mind work a shift that's 12 hours long.. Or go to school while working. It can't be done. Not with this body I have! I get so depressed because I can't do any of the things I want to do in life and I'm just watching everyone else succeed while I hang back with my boring office job getting yelled at by people over the phone who think I'm too stupid to be worth talking to with the slightest bit of respect.

I feel so ambitious but more than anything, I just want to rest all the time. My iron levels are fine.. my diet is fine.. my thyroid is fine. Everything is fucking fine but I'm exhausted. I just want to know why and I want it to stop. I want to live my life.. Not sleep through it. I'm sorry this has been such a sad post, but I had to vent.

Thank you for listening.

-M

International Women's Day!

Wow guys I did NOT realize I haven't posted since October. My apologies. I've become more active on social media these days. Please follow me on Twitter @marcina to get more direct updates! Sadly, as one who doesn't own a computer, and my phone doesn't support blogger, I just didn't update the blog. Let's start right where we left off shall we?

October: I had an ovarian cyst causing immense pain. I had gone on medical L.O.A at work. I was depressed for weeks. I saw my doctor November 15th and he immediately suggested surgery. I was struggling to walk, to get out of bed, to feed myself, to pick things up.. I was disabled. Surgery happened December 3rd. The endometriosis had grown quickly and aggressively. Attacking both ovaries and also found in several spots in between. Lucky for me, the lesions were quite shallow. I also had minimal scar tissue from my previous surgery and ABSOLUTELY NO ADHESIONS. Go me.
Despite that, recover was tough. I had an incision by my hip bone where the right ovary was operated on. That's where the cyst was. That incision didn't heal properly and nearly became infected. About two weeks after my surgery I was told to rest as much as possible and restrict movement. Kind of like bed rest but not as strict. I missed out on a lot of Christmas festivities and did all my shopping in a wheelchair.

Christmas Day: I woke up vomiting. Violently. No fever though, so didn't go to the ER. I did miss Christmas with my family though, as I spent all day in bed.

Boxing Day: Severe abdominal pain, went to the ER. Place was packed.. stupid me felt guilty for being there. I decided I probably picked up a noravirus and went home and back to bed. I recovered by December 28th.

December 28th: I returned to work! Very happy day. I worked until New Year's Eve, and then spent a very romantic evening with my significant other (or as I like to call him, my Smismar -- like in Futurama lol). We ate chocolate and played video games. Sincerely the best night!

January: The first pain free month I've had in years!!! I was so happy. I started Visanne, which is a progesterone therapy that is new in Canada and studies showed this particular drug to actually shrink endometriosis lesions and improve pain in patients. The success rate is as good as GnRh agonists, but without the awful side effects. The only side effects I endured were headache, breast swelling/soreness and insomnia which faded. Except for the boob thing. They still hurt. *massages boobies*

January 10th: A friend of mine passed away after suffering a grand mal seizure. I become depressed again, but start doing more physical activity and picking up hours at work.

End of January: I get a fucking period.

Beginning of February: I grow another cyst on my damn stupid effing idiot right ovary. I have pain but not a significant amount.

March 1st: ENDOMETRIOSIS AWARENESS MONTH STARTS! Paint nails yellow.

March 2nd: damn stupid effing idiot ovarian cyst BURSTS. I endure 5 days of pain and eventually cave and go to the ER. They confirm I burst a cyst and my WBC count is high. Now given ciprofloxacin bid for 7 days.

March 8th: TODAY! INTERNATIONAL WOMEN'S DAY. Also, it's my birthday. Yes, I was born on the most important day of the year for women. I went to the local university where I watched a documentary called Miss Representation. It's an excellent film and I highly recommend it. I especially found it amazing because I have a career in a leadership role. I'm a middle leader and I feel like the film helped me understand why I haven't moved up that corporate ladder. We women just don't have enough confidence. After watching that film, I feel better about myself, and I know how to increase my self confidence and know that I can move up in my field. I work in a very fair environment with amazing people. I'm lucky to have never experienced sexual harassment, embarrassment, or endure any kind of "vulnerable" feelings, or feelings of inadequacy. The guest speaker at the university (University of the Fraser Valley) was none other than my long-time role model and favourite musician, Bif Naked. Bif is such an inspirational speaker. She is very easy to listen to, as soft-spoken as she is. She's very positive and glowing up on that podium. It honestly feels like you're having a conversation with a long time friend of relative. Since the university was offering coffee and refreshments, it was like going to the coffee shop for a chat with Bif. It was very personal and warm. I felt so comfortable there, except I couldn't stop shivering. Probably because I was medicated.

Bif spoke about what it's like to work in a career field dominated by men. Women make up a huge percentage of the workforce but hardly any of us have leadership roles. Bif is a leader because she is a front woman. She puts herself out there on stage and rocks her heart out. She does it with a band full of men, and a sea of screaming fans who, when she first started out especially, was primarily dominated by men. The punk rock scene just didn't have a lot of females in it. Bif basically had no choice but to act like one of the boys. She gained a lot of respect because of that. However, when record labels sign you, even though Bif is independent, she still has her albums being produced and marketed by the industry. As a result she had to pose in her underwear in some promotional photos for her album. She explained how her tattoos are like a shield, so that she can feel somewhat covered despite walking around in her underpants.

Bif has also had her fair share of body image issues. For years she struggled with an eating disorder. She made the transition from vegan to raw food vegan and when you're on tour with a band, there's not a whole lot to eat. I identified with this as I too, suffered from an eating disorder at the tender age of 15. I was hospitalized for it and my mind has to this day, never recovered. I gained 10 pounds after my surgery and I worked my butt off trying to shed that weight. I managed to lose 7 of those pounds before my cyst ruptured and now I'm back to being unable to walk. Well.. I can walk.. but if you've seen me attempt it you might refer to it as more of a "shuffle" or "hobble" HAHA!
Of course, to see Bif, the pain is worth it. I struggled with the stairs at the school but I got to sit down for a majority of the event which made it really good for me. Also, remember I was medicated so it wasn't really THAT bad ;)

I asked Bif a question I had been wanting to ask her for a long time. "How did you find the courage to speak out about your breast cancer diagnosis and treatment?"

For a lot of women, we avoid talking about our bodies. We especially avoid talking about our body's faults. With a disease like breast cancer, you feel very "exposed." With Bif's celebrity status, she didn't get to go through treatment as an individual. She had to do it as Bif Naked. She was in the spotlight. When she was diagnosed in 2007, she was already in the media quite a bit as she had just gotten married a month prior to her diagnosis. When she first spoke out about being diagnosed with breast cancer, she was all over the news. TV, newspapers, the internet.. You name it. Front page. For the first time in her life, she stopped touring so that she could fight cancer and get better. However, she didn't stop working. She wrote and recorded "The Promise" during the 2 years she underwent chemotherapy and radiation treatments. The album is so powerful and whenever I think of how hard she worked on it despite being sick, I tear up a little. It's absolutely inspirational. I mean, how can you NOT ADMIRE THAT??

Bif Naked got through her treatments by having a sense of humour the entire time. She would entertain the nurses, fellow patients, doctors, friends and family. She would crack jokes to help put people at ease because face it; a lot of us were worried about her! Stage II breast cancer at the age of 36 tends to be very aggressive and very scary. She referred to 2008 as "Year Of The Tit" on her Myspace blog, as that is when she started her treatments if I remember correctly. Even now, Bif still has a great sense of humour. Many of you know by reading my blogs and tweets that I do too. I love jokes. I especially like inappropriate dirty jokes but I'll behave myself.. Sometimes!

Just the other day, as I was discharged from the hospital on the morning of March 7th, I returned to work later that evening. I just slept all day and went to work with my prescription in hand. The manager who drove me to the hospital the night prior asked "WHAT are you doing here?" And I said "I'm fine! I'm not dead yet!" And laughed heartily. My manager was stunned that I would say such a thing and sat in silence for a few moments. I don't think she was expecting that reaction from me. So, I casually told her what the doctor's found. Ruptured cyst.. Possible infection, being treated with pain medications and antibiotics. I told her I'm fine to work since I have a desk job. As long as I don't walk around or pick things up and carry them, I'll be okay. She seemed a bit more at ease after that. I recall her making a remark about my pain tolerance though. I've heard from a few people now that I have the most amazing high pain threshold of anyone they've met. I've had several ruptured cysts. I don't even KNOW. I've had two laparoscopic surgeries, one cystoscopy (with no sedation by the way) and one colonoscopy. I've done countless blood tests, ultrasounds, urine tests (I can pee in a cup like a pro now) and you name it, I've done it. How do I do it? By remembering Bif Naked, and how she went to work during her cancer treatment until that album was done. How she participated in a clinical trial about the effects of exercise during cancer treatment. How she laughs and jokes and has a positive attitude about EVERYTHING.

I only hope that she knows how much of an inspiration she's been to me, and how much stronger I am now because of it.

Thank you for taking the time to read my blog, my dear readers. YOU are also an inspiration.

Xoxoxoxo

I Have A Consult

I've been off work for two weeks now and it's driving me mad.

I'm also stressing out about my financial situation. I've been paying into EI for 3 years and I am jumping through hoops just trying to get a little bit of that money. I'm on medical LOA for two months and my doctor still hasn't gotten my forms filled out. I've called twice now and I've now had to e-mail HO at my company to see if they have any luck with him.

I have a diagnosis and tests, it's just a matter of getting them all in order now. I really hope that I'm still eligible for EI even after all this. There's no doubt I'm in pain, and that I'm sick. I've been having stomach issues since I stopped taking narcotic painkillers. I'm now on NSAIDs, and one of them is really harsh on the stomach. It's called Indomethacin. Even the rabeprazole I take daily to help protect my stomach is no match for this stuff.
Sometimes I just don't take painkillers. Except, on those days I'm pretty useless. Today I managed to get by with just Advil. I've been getting a lot of bad headaches lately that feel like migraines but a little less severe. Still, it's no match for the pain that the growth on my ovary has caused me. The other night, the left one decided it wanted to join the pain party.
I haven't had a decent night's sleep in a few nights. All I can do is lay down, toss and turn, and maybe get a couple hours in. I wake up nauseated, and in a cold sweat every time.
The stress is getting to me pretty bad as well. There's been several days where I've just been so depressed I don't want to do ANYTHING. My job used to be my escape from the prison that's my mind and I no longer have that. Still, I can't help but think that things could be a lot worse.

There's also been a lot of earthquakes in the area apparently, although I haven't felt any of them. A couple hit Haida Gwaii the other day. It's too far for me to be affected though, but the seismograph picked up activity nearby as well. Kind of exciting stuff!

Hmmm let's see what else is new.. OH YES. I GOT A CONSULT. I see my gyne, (I had to get a referral from my family doctor) and I have an appointment on November 13th. We are going to discuss SURGERY. I want this shit out of me so damn bad.
I'm also so over this hormone therapy, but I have to stay on it.. I might have to come off it for the surgery though like I had to with the last procedure. The worst part about a laparoscopy is that you aren't allowed any NSAIDs for a week prior. That's a lot of T3s then dude. I've successfully gotten myself off of the tramadol. The side effects were pretty bad for the first few days and hung around for about a week. I now only take it when I absolutely have to. I'm not taking it as daily pain relief anymore. I can't believe how easy it is to get hooked on that stuff.
I hate narcotics. I hate feeling cloudy in the head, tired, slow, and completely useless. I can't even focus on a video game when I take them (unless it's T3s, those do nothing, probably because of the weak dosage of codeine, and the fact that I have a higher tolerance for them now).
I've been drinking green smoothies everyday. Since iron pills make me feel like shit, I just eat a cup of spinach daily. Maybe more since I squash it right into the blender and cram as much as I can in there. I bought a container of spinach and used like half of it in one smoothie, so now I buy the big bags of it since I go through it so fast. They're really good because I mix them with mango, avacado, some mint, Vanilla Chai Vega, and apple juice.

Tomorrow is Halloween and I'm hoping that I feel well enough to be able to take my niece out trick-or-treating. I have never taken her out before so it's quite exciting. I really hope the pain stays away and that I can walk.

I will try to keep this updated. Right now I need to get me some tea or something for my aching belly.

Night night!

Control

I confess I've lost control.

3 weeks ago my ovary formed a cyst. The cyst is extremely painful and I called my gynecologist to try and make an appointment. He was away. Furthermore, he was booked after his holidays so the MOA couldn't book me an appointment. I went to the hospital.
The hospital did an ultrasound and confirmed that I have a growth on my right ovary. I don't know what kind of ovarian cyst it is but I think it's hemorrhagic because my doctor told me it's leaking fluid into my pelvic cavity, which is causing a majority of the pain. The pain is so intense that I can barely walk or think. I've missed more work than I care to think about.
Since I couldn't get an appointment with my gyne, he faxed a prescription for Tramacet which I have been taking for the past three weeks. My GP has the ultrasound scans and results of my hospital tests. He gave me a scrip for an anti-inflammatory and wants to see me next week.
Here's the issue:
I'm addicted to the Tramacets. I tried to stop taking them and take the NSAID instead so I can go back to work and not be high. Instead, coming off the Tramacets caused me to have a restless and fitful sleep, a pounding headache, worsened pain, irritability, among other things. I had to take more. I'm high right now even. I had no idea these drugs were addictive. I don't know how to handle the withdrawal.. Furthermore I have no idea what's going to happen with my job. My performance has decreased significantly. My paycheques barely cover my bills. I can't function. I'm afraid to talk to my family about my addiction to painkillers because I feel like they'll blame me, or blame the doctor.. And get angry. I took the medication as it was prescribed. I didn't take more than needed. I am so embarassed I let this happen because when I was first diagnosed with endometriosis I promised myself I wouldn't become one of those women that gets addicted to painkillers.

I don't know what to do now. I can't see my specialist, and I'm so angry that he gave me drugs for me to just shut up and go away. I want the growth removed.. I want the ovary removed. I don't care. The pain is intense, and normal cysts aren't supposed to hurt. All my GP can do is monitor it. I need to be re-tested to see if it's growing. I don't want to wait. I need it out NOW. I can't afford anymore time off. I'm so scared. I'm afraid of losing my job.. I'm afraid of what's going to happen when I'm out of drugs. I feel like I've hit rock bottom with my life. All I want to do is get better. I KNOW there is treatment out there. I'm just so tired of fighting to get it.. Fighting to be taken seriously. It's hard for me to get proper treatment and surgery because I'm 26 and every doctor is more concerned about my fertility instead of my quality of life. My quality of life SUCKS RIGHT NOW. I can tell you I've fantasized about dying several times during the past three weeks. I'm not going to take my life because I know that there are other options. I CAN get through this, and if I simply have the disease removed, then I can go back to living my life the way I want. I'm holding onto that optimism tightly.. I'm just admitting that sometimes I feel hopeless. Not being able to do things for myself is very frustrating.
Having to go to work high as a kite and have everyone stare at me because I'm limping and holding onto the walls for dear life because the room is spinning is humiliating.

Customer Service And Chronic Illness Don't Mix

Today was very difficult at work.

I had very bitchy, whiny, self-centered customers complaining about shit that I can only WISH were the biggest problems I had to face.

I've never really posted about my job, except when I got promoted. Basically I work at a call center for a large pizza company. I handle store service calls, customer complaints, payroll, coaching agents, answering agent questions, filing, handling online transactions etc etc. It's a busy job and for the most part, I love it.

Except when customers are dicks.

Today some guy decided to yell at me because he didn't receive enough pepperoni on his pizza.

"I'm sorry that you don't have enough pepperoni on your pizza sir. I don't have enough red blood cells because I was bleeding internally last week. Would you like some extra cheese the next time to go with your WINE??" Is what I wish I could say.

Instead, I pretended to care.

After that, I got yelled at by some guy who ordered $175 worth of pizzas, didn't answer his phone when we called him back to make sure it wasn't a prank, and then got mad when he called back 2 hours later about his order. Not only did he yell at me, but he passed the phone onto his wife, so that she could yell at me too.

"I'm sorry that you didn't receive your ridiculous amount of food this evening. I am unable to eat without feeling like I'm going to throw up. Please tell me more about how your guests are 'starving' even though I'm sure they had breakfast this morning."

Is what I would LIKE to say.

Instead I made the customer happy and he thanked me for my great customer service. How the FUCK I was able to hold it together to be cheerful and apologetic to someone who has no real problems in life is astounding to me. As you can imagine, it's quite exhausting.

And last but not least, there was grumpy old man who ordered two large pizzas and bitched about the delivery charge which costs less than a cup of coffee at Starbucks.
Apparently his pizza was warm.
MAYBE CUZ WE COOK IT IN A FREAKIN OVEN DIPSHIT?? Also gas isn't free. If you don't want to pay delivery, get in your fuckin Volvo and pick it up yourself. Asswipe.

*Breathes out*

After getting bitched at by all these people.. I stopped and realized how jealous I am that their problems are so petty. I also kind of felt sorry for them.. What would they do if they had to face a real issue? What if they were the ones who got sick and had to have test after test and surgery after surgery and be filled with hope and then have the doctor say "I'm sorry but there's nothing else we can do for you."? Seriously. What the hell would they do? They lose their shit over extra pepperoni, or cheese, or delivery charges, or their pizza being late. What would they say if they had to keep going to the hospital to have cameras crammed into their body cavities? Or started bleeding heavily out of the blue.. and in immense amounts of pain? EVERY DAY.

Apparently it's common to be irritable when severely anemic. I believe it. I'm okay with that right now. I need to vent. I've been holding onto it for too long. Besides, my rants are kind of funny. It makes me realize that it's okay for ME to once in awhile, break down and lose my shit. I'm not taking it out on anybody. I'm not getting on the phone and yelling at a stranger because "my life sucks" because really.. My life doesn't suck. It's just on a bumpy stretch of road right now. It could be much worse. I can think of a million things that feel way worse than the way I'm feeling right now. I'm grateful for the strength I have to deal with it. I'm also grateful that I know when I've had "enough" and to take time out for me. I left work a little bit early. My stomach was raging at me for eating lunch (I had sweet potato soup.. Easily one of my favourite foods but it didn't like me today) an my emotions were equally raging. I'm going to admit that I spent a good 20 minutes just bawling my eyes out in the bathroom because sometimes, I worry that the complications of this disease will just kill me. I worry that I will become permanently disabled. I worry that I will lose my job, my independence, and my freedom. I wonder how my bills will be paid..
It's too much worry.
I need to think about something else right now..

It's ALIIIIIVE!!!!

Hi Readers!

The reason for today's post title is because of my endo is ALIIIIVE! It flared up last week something fierce. I can feel it roaring and growing inside of me. Let me explain:

I had my colonoscopy Aug 21st. I was in the hospital for about 5 or 6 hours which isn't a big deal. I simply read fanfiction on my mobile from my bed. The nurses loved me. They thought I was so cute because I'm really small (my recent digestive problems caused me to drop to about 120 pounds) and I look like a kid when I'm wearing a gown, hooked up to the kid-sized medical equipment. Also, it helps that I have no wrinkles whatsoever on my face and I insist on having my hair cut into bangs lol!
The procedure itself didn't go so well, however. The sedation didn't knock me out, so I was alert throughout the whole thing. It hurt a lot. I got an extra shot of morphine for the pain, and went home completely blitzed. I had a pretty good time taking photos of myself with dilated pupils.
After the procedure though, I was in a lot of pain. The bowel prep was hard on me, and I didn't eat any solid food for about 3 days. I was nauseous, and my whole abdomen was tender and painful. Because of this, I missed 2 days of work, and went home early on a Friday. The worst part was probably the mental anguish from having gone through all that wide awake. I had nightmares about the procedure. After a few days, I got over it.
Since my doctor had ordered a colonoscopy to not only check for IBD, but for endometriosis infiltrating the bowel, he stopped my treatment about a month prior to the procedure. At first, I felt better. My head felt clearer, I slept better, I was happier, my memory and hearing were better.. But then after the procedure, the cramping started. I thought "It's just intestinal cramping from the bowel prep" but it wasn't. One day I was walking to work and nearly collapsed in agony. I was only halfway to work! I got to work and quickly took naproxen, which is the only effective painkiller I can get over the counter. I double the recommended dose.
I was comfortable enough to work the rest of my shift that day, but then the bleeding started.
For the days following that, I was in immense pain. Barely able to get out of my bed and walk. I was taking narcotics at this point. I don't remember a lot from those days, but I do know that I went to work.. From the office, I called my doctor and begged them to fax a prescription for my hormone therapy to the nearest pharmacy. As bad as the side effects are.. Which include nausea, weight gain, memory loss, fatigue, loss of sex drive, digestive problems (including inflammation of the digestive tract), itchiness, oily skin, and depression.. NONE of those are as bad as the pain I was feeling. You must understand that when I get a period, all the endometriosis lesions bleed too. That blood has nowhere to go. I also bleed very very heavily. It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus. I'm a useless human being at that point. The pain is debilitating. All I can do is lay down with a heat pack and not move a muscle. The pain is constant. It doesn't come in waves, or ease up and then get worse. It constantly hurts.. FOR DAYS.
I'm still dealing with the pain, as the hormone therapy hasn't been able to completely stop the bleeding yet. I feel that the endo has spread to the bladder and the outside of my bowel because going to the bathroom is excruciating. I look at tampons like they're daggers, so I'm mostly using pads.. Which isn't really the best choice when you bleed like a stuck pig. So, I used both.. reluctantly.
I'm seriously considering a hysterectomy, and I've been researching the best options. There are many kinds of hysterectomy. There's a total radical hysterectomy, where they take out EVERYTHING. There's a partial hysterectomy, where they only remove the body of the uterus, and leave the cervix and ovaries behind.. Or there's a hysterectomy with unilateral salpingo-oopherectomy. They take the uterus, and leave only one ovary/fallopian tube behind.
Having children isn't an option for me. I've come to realize that I really don't want children. Last year, I went through a difficult time when I first started hormone therapy and all my cousins popped out kids and I went to the family reunion. I feel that it wasn't so much that I wanted a baby, but rather ACCEPTANCE among my relatives, since apparently in my family.. you aren't respected unless you've started a family.
I don't care anymore what they think.
I don't need to have children to please anyone because quite frankly, I don't really want kids. For most of my life I've never imagined becoming a mother. It wasn't until I realized that my choice was taken away, that maybe.. I might change my mind, and I don't have a lot of time to decide. Being confronted with that kind of information really messes with your head. Now that I'm living on my own, I am really happy with the way things are. I'm confident in my decision 100%. I've spoken to other women who have been in my shoes so I don't feel alone or crazy anymore.
All I want is for the pain to end. I want to work full time again. I want to go to university and study medicine or pharmacology. I want to become SOMETHING. I want to LIVE AGAIN without pain. If having my damaged and dysfunctional woman parts is what it takes to do that, then I'll do it.

Curse Of The Dangerbelly!

I know I keep saying I'll post more often but the thing is: I'm tired! LOL! I always THINK about posting.. If that counts :P

I haven't forgotten my loyal readers.

So, last month, for the whole month of July, I battled abdominal pain and relentless nausea. I lost nearly all of the weight I gained during my horrible bowel obstruction/pain fest in April. The lining of my stomach became inflamed from my daily doses of NSAIDs to control pain. I was getting headaches a lot, so I took Naproxen for that. I was getting back pain, so I took Advil or Naproxen for that. Suddenly, I was pale and anemic and looked like death. Possible stomach bleeding. Joy.
So, off to the doctor I went. I saw a new doctor who told me I have IBS (I was already diagnosed with this several years ago), but wants me to be checked out for IBD (Crohn's, ulcerative colitis) as per my gyne. Now I'm waiting for a call with a date for my colonoscopy. I keep having scary dreams about getting the call and going to the hospital for the procedure. I don't know why this particular procedure scares and worries me. I guess I'm worried about the preparation. I'm also going to miss work.
I've had digestive problems for years but this year, it's gotten worse. I could have died last spring from the obstruction. Right now, I feel as if scar tissue or endo is building up again because I've had to go like.. 3 times today and I've only been up for an hour. Also, it's very painful! I get sharp pains, and I get pelvic and back pain after using the washroom. It's awful. I might have to give up my day shifts because of this.
I'm still exhausted from the anemia. I'm slowly building my iron levels back up by eating spinach and taking my iron supplements as well as a B vitamin complex. Yesterday I slept for 12 hours.. I didn't get anything done because I was simply too wiped out to do it. I also had to work six days in a row last week as well.. Sheesh! I also have ulcers in my mouth that won't heal, and a wound on my foot which started out as an irritation from my shoe which became an infection.
Right now I'm taking a break from hormone therapy because I've had bone pain during weight-bearing exercises.. I worry about my bone density because I'm already small and I can't have dairy products. Last night I had hot flashes! This is just a never-ending adventure for me, isn't it? Lol! I have digestive problems, I'm worried about my bone density, and I have hot flashes. I sound like a 60 year old woman! Good grief..
I really hope I start feeling better soon!

Hitting A Rough Patch

Hi there readers!

I know I promised to be more active and post more often but I've just been busy (and sore!)
I haven't been called yet to see the new doctor about my digestive problems. The doctor's office is apparently quite behind due to some issues, but that's alright. I'm patient.. And not all that gung-ho about having a camera shoved up my arse anyways hahahaha!
So, update since I last posted: I was exercising daily and weight-training about 3 days a week until I injured my back. I started having sciatic pain a week after going to the gym to do a short leg routine. I only did a little, and maybe worked out for about a half hour before calling it quits because I didn't want to "overdo" it. However, I've also had a very stressful two weeks and I'll tell you why.
My stepdad Bill was hospitalized because he had clogged arteries in his heart. It was so bad that he had to stay in the hospital undergoing a series of tests to see if he was strong enough to have surgery. After being in hospital for about a week, having a blood transfusion, ECG, ultrasounds and x-rays, they did a quadruple bypass surgery. He's now home, after spending two weeks at Vancouver General Hospital recovering from his surgery. I was very worried about him the whole time he was in there. Due to my work schedule, I was only able to visit him once. After injuring myself, I wasn't able to bike over to the house to visit, so I have yet to see him.
I've been having pretty bad pain for the past week or so, mostly in my back. It hurts to use the bathroom, and it's very difficult to sit at my desk at work. Last week I only worked 2 days because of the pain. I haven't brought this up to my doctor because A: The office was closed when I called and B: I don't think he can help me anymore. Right now it's just chronic pain. My only option other than waiting for the colonoscopy to check for IBD is another laparoscopy. I'm really not ready to go under the knife again. I do feel though, that my endo has returned. I have the same symptoms as I did before my first surgery, except they are worse. My "good" days" are becoming more rare, and days where I struggle to get out of bed are a regular occurance. I'm trying really hard not to let it get me down mentally. I'm trying really hard to live as normally as I can and stay positive. It's not easy.

I really feel as if my only option right now is to "get used to the pain" and learn to "deal with it." I don't want to get used to suffering every day. I want to be like any other 26 year old. I guess I'm going through a rough patch right now. I spent all of April in agony, then had one good month, and now I'm in pain again. It doesn't seem fair. I try to think that this is happening for a reason. I'm not sure what that reason is yet though..

The Dreaded Season

Good afternoon my super beautiful people!

Allergy season is officially here! That's basically May and June.. Two months of being a phlegm factory, sniveling, snotty, nose-blowing foghorn human being. The thing that plagues me the most: The Forbidden Cottonwood Tree. Fluffy miniature clouds float through the air like delicate snowflakes.. And when they touch me, I scream. I itch. My nose and eyes protest vehemently! This hasn't stopped me from going outside, however. I'm participating in bike to work week starting on Monday, and wouldn't you know it, it's supposed to rain pretty much the entire time. My rain pants barely fit me. You see, I still haven't been able to shed a single pound of the weight gained in April when I was sick. I'm pretty sure the hormone treatment is to blame. I take 20mg of MPA daily. I don't even think post-menopausal women take that much. I think that dosage is enough to sterilize me. Oh well. The pain is pretty much non-existent. I experience the slight twinge of dull cramping every now and then but basically my entire reproductive system is in a coma right now.
I'm continuing my special diet which is 90% vegan and full of fiber. I take Metamucil every day, a probiotic, and my vitamins. My diet is low in fat, sugar, and carbohydrates. I exercise daily. Yet still, I am at 130 pounds. That may not be much, in fact, it's probably normal for a woman my height but you have to realize I have NEVER WEIGHED THIS MUCH IN MY LIFE. All my clothes fit my size 3, 115-120 pounds self. I don't see my abs anymore. It makes me sad to actually have bodyfat in the 20 percentile range. I probably shouldn't complain, as I am nowhere near the category of "overweight" but I suppose I'm afraid that I might enter that category if I'm not careful. My metabolism has slowed down, and I'm hovering at the same weight despite sweating for hours a week and eating meticulously and refusing anything rich in calories, fat, and sugar. If I were to eat anything I wanted, and was sedentary, who knows what would happen?
The thing is, I just plain don't feel comfortable in my skin right now. I don't want to wear a bathing suit, or shorts, or a miniskirt. I want to hide. I want to continue being tiny me.
You see, years ago, when I was 15 I had an eating disorder severe enough to hospitalize me. I eventually recovered, but I never overcame my psychological obsession with eating and being thin. I had a relapse in 2008 when I developed a different kind of eating disorder known as "orthorexia." I also worked at a gym and would constantly exercise whenever I had the chance. Before my shift, during my lunch break, and after my shift if I could. I became so obsessed that I literally started to lose my mind and attempted suicide. I eventually recovered from that too.. Physically anyways.
I still obsess about my appearance on a day-to-day basis. Once you have an eating disorder, it never leaves you. The temptation to skip meals is always there, despite a love of eating. Sometimes, there's a temptation to binge.. and sometimes I give in.. and feel horrendously ugly afterwards. I haven't really opened up about this issue, but it's important to. It really is. A lot of women have negative views about their bodies because society puts a lot of pressure on us to look a certain way. I have always dreaded the warmer season.. Not only because of the Forbidden Cottonwood Tree but also because of the fact that it's too damn hot to hide in a hoodie and yoga pants. You also have to realize that I lack the ability to tan. I'm always the palest on the beach, and being pale just makes me look less fit. The treatment I'm on also makes my skin super sensitive to the sun, and being an endometriosis sufferer, as well as being fair-skinned, I am a high risk candidate for skin cancer.
Every year I dread this season, and every year I try to lose weight so that I can look good in a pair of shorts. This year is especially hard for me because I am at my heaviest and unable to shed any of the pounds. I'm using every ounce of my energy not to feel sorry for myself. At the same time, I feel very stupid to be feeling fat when most people still view me as being thin. I don't know. It's a weird feeling. It feels a little better to write about it.
Thanks so much for listening!!

Xoxoxox

M

Old News, Good News

Hi there, readers!

It's been a long time since I posted. Since Blogger re-vamped the website, I can no longer update via my Blackberry.. It's just not mobile friendly! So, I had to break down and get the internet and blog on a computer like the rest of the normal, techno-savvy population! Haha! So, I haven't blogged for two months but here I am.

It appears that my endometriosis is spreading, so as a result, I am on a higher dose of hormones which causes some interesting side-effects. Obviously, I'm not very happy about this because 1. I'm too young to be experiencing stuff that women usually don't get to experience until their 50s or 60s, and 2. The prolonged use of hormones is not good for my bones or breast health.

As you recall, I went through several tests looking for cancer, interstitial cystitis, and ovarian tumours. Everything checked out okay and a majority of my pain was caused by inflammation in my pelvis. That's where the hormones come in. Along with the hormones, I'm on a very strict diet. No dairy whatsoever, no sugar, low gluten, no processed foods. I also gained weight, about ten pounds last month since I was unable to walk. Around the end of March, I started experiencing severe pain on a daily basis. I was unable to function, and was on bed-rest for about 5 weeks. I struggled to get out of bed, and I dragged myself to work and was often only able to work half-days. My abdomen swelled up to the point where my pants barely fit, and I was hospitalized. After I got out of the hospital, I spent a lot of my time laying down, high on narcotic painkillers. I barely remember April, except for the pain. That is still in my mind. I saw so many doctors that I barely remember their names.. or the tests I went through. There was blood-work, x-rays, more urine tests, emergency ultrasounds.. Sheesh!
It wasn't a fun time.
Then, I got in to see my gynecologist. He really is an awesome man. He thinks I might have inflammatory bowel disease, so I'm being referred to yet another doctor.. Just waiting on the phone call. He doubled up my hormone therapy and I started feeling relief within a week. The only downside is that I'm tired a lot now.. and I have a moustache.. Oh and oily skin. Also, for the first time in my life, I'm struggling with my weight. Despite my ultra-squeaky-clean diet and the fact that I am now able to exercise daily, I can't seem to lose this annoying ten pounds I gained. I supposed I'm just going to have to get used to it.
Other than all that, I am truly enjoying and appreciating every single day. I experienced about 5 weeks of needing help.. needing assistance to do everyday things. I will never ever take for granted the ability to walk ever again. In the hospital I needed a wheelchair to get around because each step was just excruciating. Now, I go for walks nearly every day outside through the trails by my apartment. I take photos, I take deep breaths, I inhale the fresh air and I'm grateful that I am AWARE.
Also, just last week I met one of the most profound role models in my life. A cancer survivor, a fighter, and overall amazing person: BIF NAKED! It was absolutely surreal to meet her. I remember being 12 years old, singing along to her music and hoping that one day, I would be able to meet her face to face. 14 years later, I have. I've included a photo of the two of us! She really is a remarkable woman. She's so brave, and funny, and sweet and giving. If it weren't for her, I don't think that I would be the optimistic, positive person I am today. The best part is, she seemed just as excited to meet me as I was to meet her. She really appreciates all her fans, and it's hard to find that quality in a celebrity. Truly one of the best days of my life!
I'm signing off for now, but I will try to keep blogging more regularly!
Thanks for reading,

Xoxoxoxo

M

A Closer Look..

I had a short work week (4 days) but it was pretty stressful.
First off, at work there was a new code drop for the program we use and the system slowed down so badly that orders got backed up like crazy. We had people taking them down by hand, and I had my hands full trying to calm down all the franchisees that were calling in about the technical issues.. It was very frustrating. We had issues with the system for three whole hours! However, the IT team did a great job fixing the problem.

Secondly, I took a look at my requisition for the lab.. I have been so tired all week due to a cold that I haven't gone to the lab for my urine test yet. I figured they were just looking for bacteria..
But then I looked closer..
Cytology..
Kidney ultrasound..
Cystoscopy..
I'm being tested for fucking cancer!
I'm quite positive I don't have kidney cancer or stones, but apparently I'm high risk for bladder cancer. Well shit!
I'm sure I'm fine, but the sudden realization of all this was completely overwhelming.
I told a friend of mine, who has a lump in her breast and is having her ultrasound the day I have the scope and she said "Well if we both have cancer, we can be cancer sisters and be bald together!"

I'd rather just be baldy sisters without the potentially life-threatening disease thanks. Losing my hair isn't an issue. Losing my independence, health.. Possibly life.. That is. I'm telling myself that it's much much more likely that I have interstitial cystitis or just endometriosis irritating my bladder. They just need to rule the serious crap out first. It just brings back scary memories from when I was in the hospital two years ago being screened for ovarian cancer. However I was more panicked then because I went to a clinic, and then the next thing I know, I'm in the ER having pelvic exams, bloodwork, urine testing, and an emergency ultrasound.

It's not something I want to get used to.

I'm sure I'm healthy and everything is fine.

But there's always that annoying little paranoid voice in the back of your mind ya know??

Another Thing To Worry About

I figured I would post an update regarding my urologist appointment yesterday.
I wasn't feeling any sort of worry or anything until today, when the pain started.

Before I jump into that, I'll talk about the appointment.
It was very awkward.
First of all, I was the only young woman in the room. Everyone else there were elderly men and some of them had their wives with them. I waited to see the doctor for about an hour, and I filled out some papers.
The doctor asked me a lot of questions, and at the end I was handed some papers.
One has an appointment for a kidney ultrasound on April 10th.
One has an appointment for a cystoscopy on April 17th.
One is a requisition for urine testing, and the last one was a list of foods to avoid with sensitive/painful bladder conditions. Until the tests are done, I won't have any idea what's wrong.
Just recently I've been experiencing kidney pain. Sometimes it's so bad I feel nauseous and I can barely sit or stand.. It comes out of nowhere and it's very alarming. My bladder is also very overactive. Today I've been going every half hour. I'm very tired because I can't sleep well when I have to constantly go to the bathroom. Whatever the problem is, I feel it's getting worse.
I won't lie.. I'm a little scared. I worry I damaged my body with painkillers.. I worry my endometriosis has spread. I worry I have something completely different. I worry that there's nothing wrong and it's all in my head.
I called in sick to work today. I feel incredibly guilty about it because I was feeling better.. And then the pain came out of nowhere. It gets worse after going to the bathroom.. Which means it gets worse every half hour.

I'm going to try and rest now because I'm wiped out.

Thanks for listening.

A Long Overdue Update

It's about time I updated ye ol' blog!!
I moved on February 15th and I've been so crazy busy that I haven't had time to update this. Not to mention, I don't have internet in my new place so all I have is my Blackberry. To be honest, Rogers Wireless is really crappy for using the internet on. I constantly get communication errors and it loads really slowly, so I'm quite out of the loop when it comes to social networking! Lol!

Anyways... lots new with me. Work is busy, health is.. meh.
I see the urologist tomorrow. The appointment was changed from today to tomorrow. I'm a little bit nervous I suppose.. Probably because I know I'm going to need more tests, more examinations, and a cystoscopy done. I saw a picture of a cystoscope and all I could think was "I DONT WANT THAT IN MY PEEEPEEEEEE!!!" LOL!

Yesterday I had awful pain and nausea. It started off as a sharp pain in my back, on the right side below my rips (approximately where my right kidney is). It eased off to a constant ache, and I was nauseous. Kidney pain, or pain in the back near the kidneys, is very painful.. and very scary. I don't think there was any kidney involvement at all, since I didn't throw up, have a fever, or weird colored pee. Still, it was very unpleasant. I was covering a sick co-worker so I couldn't leave work. I was prepared to leave ONLY if I needed to go to the ER, which, thankfully I didn't. I just took a 10 minute break to cry in the bathroom. I also drank a lot of water.

It's kind of sad but I'm used to having this kind of pain, so I know what to do when it strikes. As for the endo pain, it isn't too bad. The medroxyprogesterone has "quieted" down the disease I think. I still have painful days though sometimes. I've been exercising a lot and eating better. Life is a lot less stressful since I moved out on my own. It's so quiet where I live now, and I'm close to the mall and to work. There's also a gym in the building! I love it. I can lift weights whenever I want (as long as it's not after 10pm at night lol!)
So I'm pretty happy.
Still battling relentless fatigue.. I sleep a lot but I'm trying not to stay up so late. I sleep better that way.

Alright, I better take off. It's my birthday and I should find some cake to eat.. or something.. LOL!

Bye :3

New Year, New Update

So I saw my doctor today.
I didn't pull an adhesion or anger any scar tissue. I'm apparently still growing cysts on my right ovary that like to burst. Doc said it's either that or something related to the renal system, but my money is on endo.
I didn't start having bladder issues until October. I'm pretty sure my kidneys are fine. I've had pain in my right ovary for years. I still can't sleep on my right side without some form of discomfort. Blah. It's annoying. I think it would be awesome if my right ovary could just be removed! I only need one. Lol!

Other than the pain, life is being pretty awesome. I may have mentioned once or twice about a special friend I have that love lots and lots. I've been spending more time with this special person, and it turns out he thinks I'm pretty darn special too. I'm excited to see what will happen :3
We're going to spend tomorrow together too.
Also, I'm looking into moving out of my mom's house. I just can't take living with a child anymore.. It's too stressful and frustrating and overloads my heart with different emotions. I'd rather just separate myself from that.
I might check out a place this weekend that's a little closer to work.
I also paid off my credit card, all my bills for the month, and I have money saved. Very exciting stuff!

In other news, work has been busy. Despite the pain, I've been working stat holidays and even did some overtime. It seems whenever things get tough, I just get tougher.. Lol! I make sure I get enough rest so it's all good! Hehe

Until next time!

Cheers,

M

A Long-Awaited Update

Hi readers! It's been awhile since I popped in here hasn't it? I've been very busy this month. I had doctor's appointments, dental appointments, work, and holiday preparation. Christmas snuck up behind me really fast, and before I knew it, it was over.
I got the best gift I could ever ask for. It was a secret present that I didn't tell anyone I wanted because it isn't something money can buy. Feeling loved. I got that! That's all I ever want. With my family, it is very hard to talk openly about my feelings, and I feel a LOT. The holidays are difficult for me because I struggle with health problems, chronic pain, depression, fatigue, and loneliness.
For 4 days I had a lot of pain.
Pain from IBS, pain from bladder pressure, and pain from endometriosis. I'm pretty sure I angered some scar tissue. Yesterday, I lugged my bike out of the garage and rode it to work. While I was sitting at my desk, I turned around to do a quick look around (I'm a supervisor, so I have to do this to make sure everyone is working) and I felt something rip inside. It was a very sharp, tearing sensation within me. I held my breath and winced in pain.. Then ran to the bathroom to hide as I fought back tears. And by ran, I mean limped at a fast pace lol! The entire work day was filled with pain and abdominal swelling. I could barely walk.. Sitting was uncomfortable.. People needed my help and I couldn't sit still for long. It was a very long shift.. But I made it!
I'm quite tired today though. I didn't do a whole lot. There's been a lot on my mind though..
The toughest thing about Christmas is that it's a child-centered holiday. I heard my mom say that she wants a grandson. Well, I'm sorry but I'm not going to be having kids anytime soon. I can't even sustain a relationship because of all my health issues. I have a very difficult time dating and telling men I'm interested because I honestly feel like I'd just be a big burden to them.
I'm going to be 26 in March, and I feel like I'm running out of time. As much as I really want to have a baby, I'm finding it incredibly difficult to be around children. I have a lot of issues with the way my niece is being raised and I keep thinking "If I was a mom, I'd do a good job."
Usually when I feel like this I don't want to see kids, hear kids, or have kids anywhere near me because it hurts. It's ridiculous. Does anyone else feel like that??
I'm trying to tell myself I don't need children to be happy but it seems like women without kids or a husband in this society are seen as "odd" and carry this stigma that "something must be wrong with them."

Whatever.

It's so hard to talk about infertility, whether it's primary or secondary. There are so many emotions involved: grief, depression, anger,denial,bargaining. It's essentially the 8 stages of grief all the freakin' time! Why do women who don't want to be parents and ignore their kids or just don't give a shit have no issues with getting pregnant? It's unfair.

I think if I lived in a different place.. A house with no children, and no constant reminders about the fact that my reproductive system has been shut off, that I would feel better.

I'm having less mood swings but sometimes it's difficult to contain my frustrations.
For example, my niece is 3.5 years old and isn't potty-trained yet. She also doesn't have a bedtime. Tonight she went to bed at 11pm. She rarely gets disciplined, and she pretty much gets her way all the time. She's an only child and the first grandchild so you can imagine how spoiled she is. She doesn't listen well, she talks back, and is a very loud, attention-demanding child. I keep thinking "well if I had a kid, they'd have a regular bedtime, eat healthy, and play outside daily and if they talked sassy to me they'd be disciplined."
I need to stop thinking these thoughts because they're torturing me. I just want my niece to grow up to be smart, self-disciplined, happy, and successful. I see behaviour issues early and it worries me. I guess it's my job as an aunt to worry..

Anyways, I'm going to go now, I'll be sure to check in often! There are some other things I need to update.

Xoxoxoxo

The Doctor's Verdict

Alrighty,

I didn't write about my doctor's appointment yesterday because to be honest, I was quite upset. I had quite the restless night letting my thoughts run wild and only got about 6 hours of crappy quality sleep. It was a very emotionally draining evening that turned into an emotionally draining day. I keep telling myself that it's not a big deal, it's not life-threatening, and I need to stop making such a big deal about it but I can't help but feel overwhelmed.

The doctor told me that I probably have Interstitial Cystitis, which is about every bit frustrating and painful as endometriosis. It also has no cure. He's written a letter to a urologist requesting a cystoscopy. It's a procedure that will involve me being sedated, and then they will apply a local anesthetic to my urethra, and then SHOVE A FREAKIN' CAMERA IN THERE. My bladder is not a filming location for a TV show! AHH. This is so totally gonna hurt isn't it? Or at the very least, feel really really weird. I've been seeking other women who have endometriosis and IC and they've all experienced different things with the cystoscopy. Some had it hurt so bad they needed to be knocked out. Some were just uncomfortable.. So, I'm really not sure what to expect. I have a pretty high pain tolerance, considering that I'm in pain daily and just deal with it. I've been really bitchy though for the past few weeks due to lack of sleep because I wake up anywhere between 1-3 times a night to pee. Last night was actually awesome because I was so underslept the night before that i went to bed earlier, and then only woke up once to go. Fantastic. It's about time that I had a good sleep!
So, as a result I am less bitchy today.

With the progesterone treatment though, I'm back down to 10mg. I was just in so much pain with the double dose that I just went back down on my own last Sunday. I don't remember if I mentioned this the last entry or not.. If I did, I apologize for repeating myself!
It's just as well, since the pharmacy screwed up my prescription anyways. The double dose increased side effects too.. And I've got bleeding gums and my face broke out in acne a little bit. Also I have hair on my face.. Eww. I was rubbing my top lip yesterday going "OH MY GOD I'M GROWING A MOVEMBER!" Lol! Today I pulled out all my chin hairs.. Yuck. I'm so womanly and sexy.

What I don't understand is why my bladder symptoms went away after my laparoscopy.. and then suddenly returned. I guess that infection I thought I had wasn't actually an infection at all? It never was proven after all.. I did 2 urine tests and both were negative but I couldn't produce urine during my first doctor's appointment at the first onset of symptoms.
I will never know what made me so bloody sick.

So, today I'm gonna treat myself and go out with my sister and we're gonna go shopping for a bit. I like the mall. I know where all the bathrooms are.

Hahaha bye for now!

Xoxoxoxo