The Dreaded Season

Good afternoon my super beautiful people!

Allergy season is officially here! That's basically May and June.. Two months of being a phlegm factory, sniveling, snotty, nose-blowing foghorn human being. The thing that plagues me the most: The Forbidden Cottonwood Tree. Fluffy miniature clouds float through the air like delicate snowflakes.. And when they touch me, I scream. I itch. My nose and eyes protest vehemently! This hasn't stopped me from going outside, however. I'm participating in bike to work week starting on Monday, and wouldn't you know it, it's supposed to rain pretty much the entire time. My rain pants barely fit me. You see, I still haven't been able to shed a single pound of the weight gained in April when I was sick. I'm pretty sure the hormone treatment is to blame. I take 20mg of MPA daily. I don't even think post-menopausal women take that much. I think that dosage is enough to sterilize me. Oh well. The pain is pretty much non-existent. I experience the slight twinge of dull cramping every now and then but basically my entire reproductive system is in a coma right now.
I'm continuing my special diet which is 90% vegan and full of fiber. I take Metamucil every day, a probiotic, and my vitamins. My diet is low in fat, sugar, and carbohydrates. I exercise daily. Yet still, I am at 130 pounds. That may not be much, in fact, it's probably normal for a woman my height but you have to realize I have NEVER WEIGHED THIS MUCH IN MY LIFE. All my clothes fit my size 3, 115-120 pounds self. I don't see my abs anymore. It makes me sad to actually have bodyfat in the 20 percentile range. I probably shouldn't complain, as I am nowhere near the category of "overweight" but I suppose I'm afraid that I might enter that category if I'm not careful. My metabolism has slowed down, and I'm hovering at the same weight despite sweating for hours a week and eating meticulously and refusing anything rich in calories, fat, and sugar. If I were to eat anything I wanted, and was sedentary, who knows what would happen?
The thing is, I just plain don't feel comfortable in my skin right now. I don't want to wear a bathing suit, or shorts, or a miniskirt. I want to hide. I want to continue being tiny me.
You see, years ago, when I was 15 I had an eating disorder severe enough to hospitalize me. I eventually recovered, but I never overcame my psychological obsession with eating and being thin. I had a relapse in 2008 when I developed a different kind of eating disorder known as "orthorexia." I also worked at a gym and would constantly exercise whenever I had the chance. Before my shift, during my lunch break, and after my shift if I could. I became so obsessed that I literally started to lose my mind and attempted suicide. I eventually recovered from that too.. Physically anyways.
I still obsess about my appearance on a day-to-day basis. Once you have an eating disorder, it never leaves you. The temptation to skip meals is always there, despite a love of eating. Sometimes, there's a temptation to binge.. and sometimes I give in.. and feel horrendously ugly afterwards. I haven't really opened up about this issue, but it's important to. It really is. A lot of women have negative views about their bodies because society puts a lot of pressure on us to look a certain way. I have always dreaded the warmer season.. Not only because of the Forbidden Cottonwood Tree but also because of the fact that it's too damn hot to hide in a hoodie and yoga pants. You also have to realize that I lack the ability to tan. I'm always the palest on the beach, and being pale just makes me look less fit. The treatment I'm on also makes my skin super sensitive to the sun, and being an endometriosis sufferer, as well as being fair-skinned, I am a high risk candidate for skin cancer.
Every year I dread this season, and every year I try to lose weight so that I can look good in a pair of shorts. This year is especially hard for me because I am at my heaviest and unable to shed any of the pounds. I'm using every ounce of my energy not to feel sorry for myself. At the same time, I feel very stupid to be feeling fat when most people still view me as being thin. I don't know. It's a weird feeling. It feels a little better to write about it.
Thanks so much for listening!!

Xoxoxox

M