It's ALIIIIIVE!!!!

Hi Readers!

The reason for today's post title is because of my endo is ALIIIIVE! It flared up last week something fierce. I can feel it roaring and growing inside of me. Let me explain:

I had my colonoscopy Aug 21st. I was in the hospital for about 5 or 6 hours which isn't a big deal. I simply read fanfiction on my mobile from my bed. The nurses loved me. They thought I was so cute because I'm really small (my recent digestive problems caused me to drop to about 120 pounds) and I look like a kid when I'm wearing a gown, hooked up to the kid-sized medical equipment. Also, it helps that I have no wrinkles whatsoever on my face and I insist on having my hair cut into bangs lol!
The procedure itself didn't go so well, however. The sedation didn't knock me out, so I was alert throughout the whole thing. It hurt a lot. I got an extra shot of morphine for the pain, and went home completely blitzed. I had a pretty good time taking photos of myself with dilated pupils.
After the procedure though, I was in a lot of pain. The bowel prep was hard on me, and I didn't eat any solid food for about 3 days. I was nauseous, and my whole abdomen was tender and painful. Because of this, I missed 2 days of work, and went home early on a Friday. The worst part was probably the mental anguish from having gone through all that wide awake. I had nightmares about the procedure. After a few days, I got over it.
Since my doctor had ordered a colonoscopy to not only check for IBD, but for endometriosis infiltrating the bowel, he stopped my treatment about a month prior to the procedure. At first, I felt better. My head felt clearer, I slept better, I was happier, my memory and hearing were better.. But then after the procedure, the cramping started. I thought "It's just intestinal cramping from the bowel prep" but it wasn't. One day I was walking to work and nearly collapsed in agony. I was only halfway to work! I got to work and quickly took naproxen, which is the only effective painkiller I can get over the counter. I double the recommended dose.
I was comfortable enough to work the rest of my shift that day, but then the bleeding started.
For the days following that, I was in immense pain. Barely able to get out of my bed and walk. I was taking narcotics at this point. I don't remember a lot from those days, but I do know that I went to work.. From the office, I called my doctor and begged them to fax a prescription for my hormone therapy to the nearest pharmacy. As bad as the side effects are.. Which include nausea, weight gain, memory loss, fatigue, loss of sex drive, digestive problems (including inflammation of the digestive tract), itchiness, oily skin, and depression.. NONE of those are as bad as the pain I was feeling. You must understand that when I get a period, all the endometriosis lesions bleed too. That blood has nowhere to go. I also bleed very very heavily. It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus. I'm a useless human being at that point. The pain is debilitating. All I can do is lay down with a heat pack and not move a muscle. The pain is constant. It doesn't come in waves, or ease up and then get worse. It constantly hurts.. FOR DAYS.
I'm still dealing with the pain, as the hormone therapy hasn't been able to completely stop the bleeding yet. I feel that the endo has spread to the bladder and the outside of my bowel because going to the bathroom is excruciating. I look at tampons like they're daggers, so I'm mostly using pads.. Which isn't really the best choice when you bleed like a stuck pig. So, I used both.. reluctantly.
I'm seriously considering a hysterectomy, and I've been researching the best options. There are many kinds of hysterectomy. There's a total radical hysterectomy, where they take out EVERYTHING. There's a partial hysterectomy, where they only remove the body of the uterus, and leave the cervix and ovaries behind.. Or there's a hysterectomy with unilateral salpingo-oopherectomy. They take the uterus, and leave only one ovary/fallopian tube behind.
Having children isn't an option for me. I've come to realize that I really don't want children. Last year, I went through a difficult time when I first started hormone therapy and all my cousins popped out kids and I went to the family reunion. I feel that it wasn't so much that I wanted a baby, but rather ACCEPTANCE among my relatives, since apparently in my family.. you aren't respected unless you've started a family.
I don't care anymore what they think.
I don't need to have children to please anyone because quite frankly, I don't really want kids. For most of my life I've never imagined becoming a mother. It wasn't until I realized that my choice was taken away, that maybe.. I might change my mind, and I don't have a lot of time to decide. Being confronted with that kind of information really messes with your head. Now that I'm living on my own, I am really happy with the way things are. I'm confident in my decision 100%. I've spoken to other women who have been in my shoes so I don't feel alone or crazy anymore.
All I want is for the pain to end. I want to work full time again. I want to go to university and study medicine or pharmacology. I want to become SOMETHING. I want to LIVE AGAIN without pain. If having my damaged and dysfunctional woman parts is what it takes to do that, then I'll do it.