So, for the past little while I've been working with my gyne to help curb the weird menopausal symptoms I've been having. Well, after being off the Visanne for a little while I got some bleeding. It hurt really bad and it made me extremely tired. After a week of it, I couldn't take it anymore and went back on it hoping to stop the bleeding. Well, it did for a few days, and then it came back. I've been bleeding again for I think 4-5 days. The thing is, it isn't normal blood. The entire time it has been extremely dark brown, very thick, and full of tissue clots. I apologize if this is really gross. Picture a beach with perfectly round stones shimmering in the water. Now imagine dolphins. *squeak squeak*. I'm sorry I put you through that.
Okay, so I will start with my stomach issues. Since July 20th, I've kept a food diary. The point in me starting this food diary was to see how much I was eating. The answer turned out to be: not a heck of a lot. I have daily nausea and experience a feeling of fullness after eating even a little. I feel worse after eating. I figured that maybe it was my IBS flaring up but this feels different. Last weekend, it got so bad that I actually thought I had the flu. I could not stomach anything. I struggle to get more than 1100 calories into my body a day. Just one month ago I was extremely active and feeling great. Now I can barely feed myself. I don't understand. So, I went to the doctor.
My list of complaints: nausea, bloating, feelings of fullness, fatigue (I didn't mention this earlier but holy crap. I am so damn tired. ALL THE TIME!) I feel like I have a cyst on my ovary.
My doctor told me the symptoms I have are not symptoms of an ovarian cyst. He got kind of a concerned look on his face. He tells me he's sending me for an ultrasound. "Oh great. Another one." I think to myself.
I go to the front and they make the appointment as I'm standing there. This is odd because usually, they make the appointment and then give me a call later to let me know when it is. Apparently it's quite urgent that I get this done. I'm booked for a month from today. That is pretty quick, actually, for this town. The shortest I've had to wait in the past is 3 months.
I know these symptoms I'm having are weird. What's weirder is how quickly my doctor suddenly wants tests done and how fast he said he wanted me to have them done. I didn't even finish my list of complaints yet. I just said I feel like I have a cyst on my ovary and I can't eat.
I dunno if I'm being paranoid here but I think I'm being screened for cancer. Ovarian cancer. The doctor didn't use the "c" word himself but did say that he wanted to look for "abnormalities". I probably just have IBS and whacked out hormones from being on again off again with the Visanne. However, the more I experience the fatigue and feelings of nausea and general unwellness, the more I worry. I'm trying to be nonchalant about it. I try going about my daily life.. the problem is, I'm too sick and too tired to do it. I went rock climbing yesterday and normally that makes me feel rejuvenated and boosts my appetite. Today, I'm a zombie. I've been in bed all day. This is just so weird. It feels like a dream. How do i tell my parents? My boyfriend? My boss? My co-workers? I sure hope I feel better soon and that this whole testing thing ends up being for nothing.
Friday, August 9, 2013
Saturday, July 27, 2013
BLLLLLLLLAAAAAAAAAARGGH. Indeed
So update with me. I've been off hormone therapy for I dunno.. A week I suppose. I was off it for two weeks prior and went back on it because I thought I was getting a cyst. Stopped taking it again after a week because my joints hurt so bad I couldn't do my job. I have a desk job. I had severe cramping in my hands.
Well anyhoo I got a period. MY FIRST PERIOD IN A YEAR. It makes sense now why I've been on an emotional rollercoaster and really really really friggin tired. What I don't get is that my joints STILL hurt, and I get hot flashes and chills now. Night sweats are back with a vengeance too. I was actually not having those for a little while. Oh man. The cramping and pelvic pain isn't that bad though, and it's not very heavy either. Actually, as far as periods go, it's barely there. I had one day where it was bad and I just stayed in bed thinking about what it would be like if I was born a man. So anyways I'm typing away here and my hands and wrists are cramping up so I may add more later. Some endosisters think I'm perimenopausal. They may be right. We'll see what the doc says.
Ciao!
Well anyhoo I got a period. MY FIRST PERIOD IN A YEAR. It makes sense now why I've been on an emotional rollercoaster and really really really friggin tired. What I don't get is that my joints STILL hurt, and I get hot flashes and chills now. Night sweats are back with a vengeance too. I was actually not having those for a little while. Oh man. The cramping and pelvic pain isn't that bad though, and it's not very heavy either. Actually, as far as periods go, it's barely there. I had one day where it was bad and I just stayed in bed thinking about what it would be like if I was born a man. So anyways I'm typing away here and my hands and wrists are cramping up so I may add more later. Some endosisters think I'm perimenopausal. They may be right. We'll see what the doc says.
Ciao!
Monday, July 15, 2013
I Missed You Guys!
I'm sorry for the long-awaited update, those who regularily follow my blog. Lots has happened. Lots of good stuff mostly! I've been a very busy girl. However I will provide an update on my health here.
1. Menopause was getting to my head. Quite literally. I felt like I was going mental. I started having anxiety attacks and bouts of depression. This led me to see the doctor, who prescribed me anti-depressants. After taking them for a few weeks/a month, I was still having problems. I decided to see my other doctor, the specialist who did my surgeries. By that time, the symptoms had progressed to the point where I had joint pain, and horrible horrible short term memory loss (which I'm still dealing with.) enter new treatment plan.
2. The plan was to stop hormone therapy for one month. The first week was great. Now I'm on week two and the pain has already returned. I'm quite certain I'm building an ovarian cyst as I write this. If it weren't for the roofers I believe the pain would have kept me awake all morning. I have the classic sharp pain on my right side that shoots down the front of my leg. For someone who hasn't needed to take painkillers in several months, this is rather disappointing.
However I DO have a prescription for 6 months worth of my beloved hormone therapy (Visanne) and I will go to the pharmacy today and put a stop to this war raging inside me.
I'm just going to have to deal with the fact that I'm a forgetful nutter when i take it.
If I can't stay on this drug for long I am seriously considering more drastic measures to deal with this. Namely, a hysterectomy and removal of the evil ovary that continuously grows cysts. I mean continuously! I had three rupture just in the past year. My job performance suffered, my financial situation suffered, and *I* suffered. This is partially why I'm going mental. I am always afraid of another cyst blowing up and rendering me completely useless. The last one took a month to recover from. I mean, I could barely walk. Also it happened 3 months after I had my surgery. I was lucky I went to the hospital when I did because I was starting to get an infection.
Dealing with this disease can be so hard because there is no cure. NO. CURE. I will have this my entire life. My doctor suggested I see a therapist but I can't afford one. There's a mental health organization nearby but i'm so nervous about going in there. I guess, I feel like I'm better off handling this my way which is essentially living life to the fullest until the disease progresses to the point where I no longer can. Every day where I don't have pain, I am so grateful and make the most of it. This is why i'm going to go back on hormone therapy today.
1. Menopause was getting to my head. Quite literally. I felt like I was going mental. I started having anxiety attacks and bouts of depression. This led me to see the doctor, who prescribed me anti-depressants. After taking them for a few weeks/a month, I was still having problems. I decided to see my other doctor, the specialist who did my surgeries. By that time, the symptoms had progressed to the point where I had joint pain, and horrible horrible short term memory loss (which I'm still dealing with.) enter new treatment plan.
2. The plan was to stop hormone therapy for one month. The first week was great. Now I'm on week two and the pain has already returned. I'm quite certain I'm building an ovarian cyst as I write this. If it weren't for the roofers I believe the pain would have kept me awake all morning. I have the classic sharp pain on my right side that shoots down the front of my leg. For someone who hasn't needed to take painkillers in several months, this is rather disappointing.
However I DO have a prescription for 6 months worth of my beloved hormone therapy (Visanne) and I will go to the pharmacy today and put a stop to this war raging inside me.
I'm just going to have to deal with the fact that I'm a forgetful nutter when i take it.
If I can't stay on this drug for long I am seriously considering more drastic measures to deal with this. Namely, a hysterectomy and removal of the evil ovary that continuously grows cysts. I mean continuously! I had three rupture just in the past year. My job performance suffered, my financial situation suffered, and *I* suffered. This is partially why I'm going mental. I am always afraid of another cyst blowing up and rendering me completely useless. The last one took a month to recover from. I mean, I could barely walk. Also it happened 3 months after I had my surgery. I was lucky I went to the hospital when I did because I was starting to get an infection.
Dealing with this disease can be so hard because there is no cure. NO. CURE. I will have this my entire life. My doctor suggested I see a therapist but I can't afford one. There's a mental health organization nearby but i'm so nervous about going in there. I guess, I feel like I'm better off handling this my way which is essentially living life to the fullest until the disease progresses to the point where I no longer can. Every day where I don't have pain, I am so grateful and make the most of it. This is why i'm going to go back on hormone therapy today.
Tuesday, March 26, 2013
Tired.. So tired.
I'm finally getting over that burst cyst episode. The weather is also getting nice. I've been trying to pick up extra hours at work so that I can catch up with my finances.
I'm so FUCKING tired. I'm sorry for the profanity but I'm just terribly frustrated.
Imagine being sick for an entire year and being unable to pretty much do anything. Now imagine feeling awesome. Yay! Ok, let's go for a short bike ride, to the park and do some grocery shopping. Sounds easy enough right? Well to a person like me, a day like that (one that someone healthy would refer to as NORMAL) is simply exhausting. Today I slept most of the day. I got up at 3pm. I was so wiped I had to put an extra scoop in my coffee just to get enough energy to do the dishes. I went to the store later on to look for pickles and after wandering the store for a little while, I was so tired my eyes felt like they were on fire and I ended up buying nothing because I just wanted to go home and crawl into bed.
If you've never dealt with a chronic illness before, you cannot imagine how frustrating this is. I just want to live a normal life. I shouldn't have to drag my ass out of bed just to do a couple chores. I know I'm whining right now but I can't help it. I used to be so active. I used to weigh 110 pounds and be this fit and energetic thing. Now I'm 20 pounds heavier and struggle just to function for one day. I want to cry I'm so upset. Is this what my life is going to be like now? I just turned 27 and I feel like I'm 87. All I want to do is to be able to go to university and get a career in the medical field. That's my dream.. but I can't do that. I can't stay awake for 12 hours straight, never mind work a shift that's 12 hours long.. Or go to school while working. It can't be done. Not with this body I have! I get so depressed because I can't do any of the things I want to do in life and I'm just watching everyone else succeed while I hang back with my boring office job getting yelled at by people over the phone who think I'm too stupid to be worth talking to with the slightest bit of respect.
I feel so ambitious but more than anything, I just want to rest all the time. My iron levels are fine.. my diet is fine.. my thyroid is fine. Everything is fucking fine but I'm exhausted. I just want to know why and I want it to stop. I want to live my life.. Not sleep through it. I'm sorry this has been such a sad post, but I had to vent.
Thank you for listening.
-M
I'm so FUCKING tired. I'm sorry for the profanity but I'm just terribly frustrated.
Imagine being sick for an entire year and being unable to pretty much do anything. Now imagine feeling awesome. Yay! Ok, let's go for a short bike ride, to the park and do some grocery shopping. Sounds easy enough right? Well to a person like me, a day like that (one that someone healthy would refer to as NORMAL) is simply exhausting. Today I slept most of the day. I got up at 3pm. I was so wiped I had to put an extra scoop in my coffee just to get enough energy to do the dishes. I went to the store later on to look for pickles and after wandering the store for a little while, I was so tired my eyes felt like they were on fire and I ended up buying nothing because I just wanted to go home and crawl into bed.
If you've never dealt with a chronic illness before, you cannot imagine how frustrating this is. I just want to live a normal life. I shouldn't have to drag my ass out of bed just to do a couple chores. I know I'm whining right now but I can't help it. I used to be so active. I used to weigh 110 pounds and be this fit and energetic thing. Now I'm 20 pounds heavier and struggle just to function for one day. I want to cry I'm so upset. Is this what my life is going to be like now? I just turned 27 and I feel like I'm 87. All I want to do is to be able to go to university and get a career in the medical field. That's my dream.. but I can't do that. I can't stay awake for 12 hours straight, never mind work a shift that's 12 hours long.. Or go to school while working. It can't be done. Not with this body I have! I get so depressed because I can't do any of the things I want to do in life and I'm just watching everyone else succeed while I hang back with my boring office job getting yelled at by people over the phone who think I'm too stupid to be worth talking to with the slightest bit of respect.
I feel so ambitious but more than anything, I just want to rest all the time. My iron levels are fine.. my diet is fine.. my thyroid is fine. Everything is fucking fine but I'm exhausted. I just want to know why and I want it to stop. I want to live my life.. Not sleep through it. I'm sorry this has been such a sad post, but I had to vent.
Thank you for listening.
-M
Saturday, March 9, 2013
International Women's Day!
Wow guys I did NOT realize I haven't posted since October. My apologies. I've become more active on social media these days. Please follow me on Twitter @marcina to get more direct updates! Sadly, as one who doesn't own a computer, and my phone doesn't support blogger, I just didn't update the blog. Let's start right where we left off shall we?
October: I had an ovarian cyst causing immense pain. I had gone on medical L.O.A at work. I was depressed for weeks. I saw my doctor November 15th and he immediately suggested surgery. I was struggling to walk, to get out of bed, to feed myself, to pick things up.. I was disabled. Surgery happened December 3rd. The endometriosis had grown quickly and aggressively. Attacking both ovaries and also found in several spots in between. Lucky for me, the lesions were quite shallow. I also had minimal scar tissue from my previous surgery and ABSOLUTELY NO ADHESIONS. Go me.
Despite that, recover was tough. I had an incision by my hip bone where the right ovary was operated on. That's where the cyst was. That incision didn't heal properly and nearly became infected. About two weeks after my surgery I was told to rest as much as possible and restrict movement. Kind of like bed rest but not as strict. I missed out on a lot of Christmas festivities and did all my shopping in a wheelchair.
Christmas Day: I woke up vomiting. Violently. No fever though, so didn't go to the ER. I did miss Christmas with my family though, as I spent all day in bed.
Boxing Day: Severe abdominal pain, went to the ER. Place was packed.. stupid me felt guilty for being there. I decided I probably picked up a noravirus and went home and back to bed. I recovered by December 28th.
December 28th: I returned to work! Very happy day. I worked until New Year's Eve, and then spent a very romantic evening with my significant other (or as I like to call him, my Smismar -- like in Futurama lol). We ate chocolate and played video games. Sincerely the best night!
January: The first pain free month I've had in years!!! I was so happy. I started Visanne, which is a progesterone therapy that is new in Canada and studies showed this particular drug to actually shrink endometriosis lesions and improve pain in patients. The success rate is as good as GnRh agonists, but without the awful side effects. The only side effects I endured were headache, breast swelling/soreness and insomnia which faded. Except for the boob thing. They still hurt. *massages boobies*
January 10th: A friend of mine passed away after suffering a grand mal seizure. I become depressed again, but start doing more physical activity and picking up hours at work.
End of January: I get a fucking period.
Beginning of February: I grow another cyst on my damn stupid effing idiot right ovary. I have pain but not a significant amount.
March 1st: ENDOMETRIOSIS AWARENESS MONTH STARTS! Paint nails yellow.
March 2nd: damn stupid effing idiot ovarian cyst BURSTS. I endure 5 days of pain and eventually cave and go to the ER. They confirm I burst a cyst and my WBC count is high. Now given ciprofloxacin bid for 7 days.
March 8th: TODAY! INTERNATIONAL WOMEN'S DAY. Also, it's my birthday. Yes, I was born on the most important day of the year for women. I went to the local university where I watched a documentary called Miss Representation. It's an excellent film and I highly recommend it. I especially found it amazing because I have a career in a leadership role. I'm a middle leader and I feel like the film helped me understand why I haven't moved up that corporate ladder. We women just don't have enough confidence. After watching that film, I feel better about myself, and I know how to increase my self confidence and know that I can move up in my field. I work in a very fair environment with amazing people. I'm lucky to have never experienced sexual harassment, embarrassment, or endure any kind of "vulnerable" feelings, or feelings of inadequacy. The guest speaker at the university (University of the Fraser Valley) was none other than my long-time role model and favourite musician, Bif Naked. Bif is such an inspirational speaker. She is very easy to listen to, as soft-spoken as she is. She's very positive and glowing up on that podium. It honestly feels like you're having a conversation with a long time friend of relative. Since the university was offering coffee and refreshments, it was like going to the coffee shop for a chat with Bif. It was very personal and warm. I felt so comfortable there, except I couldn't stop shivering. Probably because I was medicated.
Bif spoke about what it's like to work in a career field dominated by men. Women make up a huge percentage of the workforce but hardly any of us have leadership roles. Bif is a leader because she is a front woman. She puts herself out there on stage and rocks her heart out. She does it with a band full of men, and a sea of screaming fans who, when she first started out especially, was primarily dominated by men. The punk rock scene just didn't have a lot of females in it. Bif basically had no choice but to act like one of the boys. She gained a lot of respect because of that. However, when record labels sign you, even though Bif is independent, she still has her albums being produced and marketed by the industry. As a result she had to pose in her underwear in some promotional photos for her album. She explained how her tattoos are like a shield, so that she can feel somewhat covered despite walking around in her underpants.
Bif has also had her fair share of body image issues. For years she struggled with an eating disorder. She made the transition from vegan to raw food vegan and when you're on tour with a band, there's not a whole lot to eat. I identified with this as I too, suffered from an eating disorder at the tender age of 15. I was hospitalized for it and my mind has to this day, never recovered. I gained 10 pounds after my surgery and I worked my butt off trying to shed that weight. I managed to lose 7 of those pounds before my cyst ruptured and now I'm back to being unable to walk. Well.. I can walk.. but if you've seen me attempt it you might refer to it as more of a "shuffle" or "hobble" HAHA!
Of course, to see Bif, the pain is worth it. I struggled with the stairs at the school but I got to sit down for a majority of the event which made it really good for me. Also, remember I was medicated so it wasn't really THAT bad ;)
I asked Bif a question I had been wanting to ask her for a long time. "How did you find the courage to speak out about your breast cancer diagnosis and treatment?"
For a lot of women, we avoid talking about our bodies. We especially avoid talking about our body's faults. With a disease like breast cancer, you feel very "exposed." With Bif's celebrity status, she didn't get to go through treatment as an individual. She had to do it as Bif Naked. She was in the spotlight. When she was diagnosed in 2007, she was already in the media quite a bit as she had just gotten married a month prior to her diagnosis. When she first spoke out about being diagnosed with breast cancer, she was all over the news. TV, newspapers, the internet.. You name it. Front page. For the first time in her life, she stopped touring so that she could fight cancer and get better. However, she didn't stop working. She wrote and recorded "The Promise" during the 2 years she underwent chemotherapy and radiation treatments. The album is so powerful and whenever I think of how hard she worked on it despite being sick, I tear up a little. It's absolutely inspirational. I mean, how can you NOT ADMIRE THAT??
Bif Naked got through her treatments by having a sense of humour the entire time. She would entertain the nurses, fellow patients, doctors, friends and family. She would crack jokes to help put people at ease because face it; a lot of us were worried about her! Stage II breast cancer at the age of 36 tends to be very aggressive and very scary. She referred to 2008 as "Year Of The Tit" on her Myspace blog, as that is when she started her treatments if I remember correctly. Even now, Bif still has a great sense of humour. Many of you know by reading my blogs and tweets that I do too. I love jokes. I especially like inappropriate dirty jokes but I'll behave myself.. Sometimes!
Just the other day, as I was discharged from the hospital on the morning of March 7th, I returned to work later that evening. I just slept all day and went to work with my prescription in hand. The manager who drove me to the hospital the night prior asked "WHAT are you doing here?" And I said "I'm fine! I'm not dead yet!" And laughed heartily. My manager was stunned that I would say such a thing and sat in silence for a few moments. I don't think she was expecting that reaction from me. So, I casually told her what the doctor's found. Ruptured cyst.. Possible infection, being treated with pain medications and antibiotics. I told her I'm fine to work since I have a desk job. As long as I don't walk around or pick things up and carry them, I'll be okay. She seemed a bit more at ease after that. I recall her making a remark about my pain tolerance though. I've heard from a few people now that I have the most amazing high pain threshold of anyone they've met. I've had several ruptured cysts. I don't even KNOW. I've had two laparoscopic surgeries, one cystoscopy (with no sedation by the way) and one colonoscopy. I've done countless blood tests, ultrasounds, urine tests (I can pee in a cup like a pro now) and you name it, I've done it. How do I do it? By remembering Bif Naked, and how she went to work during her cancer treatment until that album was done. How she participated in a clinical trial about the effects of exercise during cancer treatment. How she laughs and jokes and has a positive attitude about EVERYTHING.
I only hope that she knows how much of an inspiration she's been to me, and how much stronger I am now because of it.
Thank you for taking the time to read my blog, my dear readers. YOU are also an inspiration.
Xoxoxoxo
October: I had an ovarian cyst causing immense pain. I had gone on medical L.O.A at work. I was depressed for weeks. I saw my doctor November 15th and he immediately suggested surgery. I was struggling to walk, to get out of bed, to feed myself, to pick things up.. I was disabled. Surgery happened December 3rd. The endometriosis had grown quickly and aggressively. Attacking both ovaries and also found in several spots in between. Lucky for me, the lesions were quite shallow. I also had minimal scar tissue from my previous surgery and ABSOLUTELY NO ADHESIONS. Go me.
Despite that, recover was tough. I had an incision by my hip bone where the right ovary was operated on. That's where the cyst was. That incision didn't heal properly and nearly became infected. About two weeks after my surgery I was told to rest as much as possible and restrict movement. Kind of like bed rest but not as strict. I missed out on a lot of Christmas festivities and did all my shopping in a wheelchair.
Christmas Day: I woke up vomiting. Violently. No fever though, so didn't go to the ER. I did miss Christmas with my family though, as I spent all day in bed.
Boxing Day: Severe abdominal pain, went to the ER. Place was packed.. stupid me felt guilty for being there. I decided I probably picked up a noravirus and went home and back to bed. I recovered by December 28th.
December 28th: I returned to work! Very happy day. I worked until New Year's Eve, and then spent a very romantic evening with my significant other (or as I like to call him, my Smismar -- like in Futurama lol). We ate chocolate and played video games. Sincerely the best night!
January: The first pain free month I've had in years!!! I was so happy. I started Visanne, which is a progesterone therapy that is new in Canada and studies showed this particular drug to actually shrink endometriosis lesions and improve pain in patients. The success rate is as good as GnRh agonists, but without the awful side effects. The only side effects I endured were headache, breast swelling/soreness and insomnia which faded. Except for the boob thing. They still hurt. *massages boobies*
January 10th: A friend of mine passed away after suffering a grand mal seizure. I become depressed again, but start doing more physical activity and picking up hours at work.
End of January: I get a fucking period.
Beginning of February: I grow another cyst on my damn stupid effing idiot right ovary. I have pain but not a significant amount.
March 1st: ENDOMETRIOSIS AWARENESS MONTH STARTS! Paint nails yellow.
March 2nd: damn stupid effing idiot ovarian cyst BURSTS. I endure 5 days of pain and eventually cave and go to the ER. They confirm I burst a cyst and my WBC count is high. Now given ciprofloxacin bid for 7 days.
March 8th: TODAY! INTERNATIONAL WOMEN'S DAY. Also, it's my birthday. Yes, I was born on the most important day of the year for women. I went to the local university where I watched a documentary called Miss Representation. It's an excellent film and I highly recommend it. I especially found it amazing because I have a career in a leadership role. I'm a middle leader and I feel like the film helped me understand why I haven't moved up that corporate ladder. We women just don't have enough confidence. After watching that film, I feel better about myself, and I know how to increase my self confidence and know that I can move up in my field. I work in a very fair environment with amazing people. I'm lucky to have never experienced sexual harassment, embarrassment, or endure any kind of "vulnerable" feelings, or feelings of inadequacy. The guest speaker at the university (University of the Fraser Valley) was none other than my long-time role model and favourite musician, Bif Naked. Bif is such an inspirational speaker. She is very easy to listen to, as soft-spoken as she is. She's very positive and glowing up on that podium. It honestly feels like you're having a conversation with a long time friend of relative. Since the university was offering coffee and refreshments, it was like going to the coffee shop for a chat with Bif. It was very personal and warm. I felt so comfortable there, except I couldn't stop shivering. Probably because I was medicated.
Bif spoke about what it's like to work in a career field dominated by men. Women make up a huge percentage of the workforce but hardly any of us have leadership roles. Bif is a leader because she is a front woman. She puts herself out there on stage and rocks her heart out. She does it with a band full of men, and a sea of screaming fans who, when she first started out especially, was primarily dominated by men. The punk rock scene just didn't have a lot of females in it. Bif basically had no choice but to act like one of the boys. She gained a lot of respect because of that. However, when record labels sign you, even though Bif is independent, she still has her albums being produced and marketed by the industry. As a result she had to pose in her underwear in some promotional photos for her album. She explained how her tattoos are like a shield, so that she can feel somewhat covered despite walking around in her underpants.
Bif has also had her fair share of body image issues. For years she struggled with an eating disorder. She made the transition from vegan to raw food vegan and when you're on tour with a band, there's not a whole lot to eat. I identified with this as I too, suffered from an eating disorder at the tender age of 15. I was hospitalized for it and my mind has to this day, never recovered. I gained 10 pounds after my surgery and I worked my butt off trying to shed that weight. I managed to lose 7 of those pounds before my cyst ruptured and now I'm back to being unable to walk. Well.. I can walk.. but if you've seen me attempt it you might refer to it as more of a "shuffle" or "hobble" HAHA!
Of course, to see Bif, the pain is worth it. I struggled with the stairs at the school but I got to sit down for a majority of the event which made it really good for me. Also, remember I was medicated so it wasn't really THAT bad ;)
I asked Bif a question I had been wanting to ask her for a long time. "How did you find the courage to speak out about your breast cancer diagnosis and treatment?"
For a lot of women, we avoid talking about our bodies. We especially avoid talking about our body's faults. With a disease like breast cancer, you feel very "exposed." With Bif's celebrity status, she didn't get to go through treatment as an individual. She had to do it as Bif Naked. She was in the spotlight. When she was diagnosed in 2007, she was already in the media quite a bit as she had just gotten married a month prior to her diagnosis. When she first spoke out about being diagnosed with breast cancer, she was all over the news. TV, newspapers, the internet.. You name it. Front page. For the first time in her life, she stopped touring so that she could fight cancer and get better. However, she didn't stop working. She wrote and recorded "The Promise" during the 2 years she underwent chemotherapy and radiation treatments. The album is so powerful and whenever I think of how hard she worked on it despite being sick, I tear up a little. It's absolutely inspirational. I mean, how can you NOT ADMIRE THAT??
Bif Naked got through her treatments by having a sense of humour the entire time. She would entertain the nurses, fellow patients, doctors, friends and family. She would crack jokes to help put people at ease because face it; a lot of us were worried about her! Stage II breast cancer at the age of 36 tends to be very aggressive and very scary. She referred to 2008 as "Year Of The Tit" on her Myspace blog, as that is when she started her treatments if I remember correctly. Even now, Bif still has a great sense of humour. Many of you know by reading my blogs and tweets that I do too. I love jokes. I especially like inappropriate dirty jokes but I'll behave myself.. Sometimes!
Just the other day, as I was discharged from the hospital on the morning of March 7th, I returned to work later that evening. I just slept all day and went to work with my prescription in hand. The manager who drove me to the hospital the night prior asked "WHAT are you doing here?" And I said "I'm fine! I'm not dead yet!" And laughed heartily. My manager was stunned that I would say such a thing and sat in silence for a few moments. I don't think she was expecting that reaction from me. So, I casually told her what the doctor's found. Ruptured cyst.. Possible infection, being treated with pain medications and antibiotics. I told her I'm fine to work since I have a desk job. As long as I don't walk around or pick things up and carry them, I'll be okay. She seemed a bit more at ease after that. I recall her making a remark about my pain tolerance though. I've heard from a few people now that I have the most amazing high pain threshold of anyone they've met. I've had several ruptured cysts. I don't even KNOW. I've had two laparoscopic surgeries, one cystoscopy (with no sedation by the way) and one colonoscopy. I've done countless blood tests, ultrasounds, urine tests (I can pee in a cup like a pro now) and you name it, I've done it. How do I do it? By remembering Bif Naked, and how she went to work during her cancer treatment until that album was done. How she participated in a clinical trial about the effects of exercise during cancer treatment. How she laughs and jokes and has a positive attitude about EVERYTHING.
I only hope that she knows how much of an inspiration she's been to me, and how much stronger I am now because of it.
Thank you for taking the time to read my blog, my dear readers. YOU are also an inspiration.
Xoxoxoxo
Wednesday, October 31, 2012
I Have A Consult
I've been off work for two weeks now and it's driving me mad.
I'm also stressing out about my financial situation. I've been paying into EI for 3 years and I am jumping through hoops just trying to get a little bit of that money. I'm on medical LOA for two months and my doctor still hasn't gotten my forms filled out. I've called twice now and I've now had to e-mail HO at my company to see if they have any luck with him.
I have a diagnosis and tests, it's just a matter of getting them all in order now. I really hope that I'm still eligible for EI even after all this. There's no doubt I'm in pain, and that I'm sick. I've been having stomach issues since I stopped taking narcotic painkillers. I'm now on NSAIDs, and one of them is really harsh on the stomach. It's called Indomethacin. Even the rabeprazole I take daily to help protect my stomach is no match for this stuff.
Sometimes I just don't take painkillers. Except, on those days I'm pretty useless. Today I managed to get by with just Advil. I've been getting a lot of bad headaches lately that feel like migraines but a little less severe. Still, it's no match for the pain that the growth on my ovary has caused me. The other night, the left one decided it wanted to join the pain party.
I haven't had a decent night's sleep in a few nights. All I can do is lay down, toss and turn, and maybe get a couple hours in. I wake up nauseated, and in a cold sweat every time.
The stress is getting to me pretty bad as well. There's been several days where I've just been so depressed I don't want to do ANYTHING. My job used to be my escape from the prison that's my mind and I no longer have that. Still, I can't help but think that things could be a lot worse.
There's also been a lot of earthquakes in the area apparently, although I haven't felt any of them. A couple hit Haida Gwaii the other day. It's too far for me to be affected though, but the seismograph picked up activity nearby as well. Kind of exciting stuff!
Hmmm let's see what else is new.. OH YES. I GOT A CONSULT. I see my gyne, (I had to get a referral from my family doctor) and I have an appointment on November 13th. We are going to discuss SURGERY. I want this shit out of me so damn bad.
I'm also so over this hormone therapy, but I have to stay on it.. I might have to come off it for the surgery though like I had to with the last procedure. The worst part about a laparoscopy is that you aren't allowed any NSAIDs for a week prior. That's a lot of T3s then dude. I've successfully gotten myself off of the tramadol. The side effects were pretty bad for the first few days and hung around for about a week. I now only take it when I absolutely have to. I'm not taking it as daily pain relief anymore. I can't believe how easy it is to get hooked on that stuff.
I hate narcotics. I hate feeling cloudy in the head, tired, slow, and completely useless. I can't even focus on a video game when I take them (unless it's T3s, those do nothing, probably because of the weak dosage of codeine, and the fact that I have a higher tolerance for them now).
I've been drinking green smoothies everyday. Since iron pills make me feel like shit, I just eat a cup of spinach daily. Maybe more since I squash it right into the blender and cram as much as I can in there. I bought a container of spinach and used like half of it in one smoothie, so now I buy the big bags of it since I go through it so fast. They're really good because I mix them with mango, avacado, some mint, Vanilla Chai Vega, and apple juice.
Tomorrow is Halloween and I'm hoping that I feel well enough to be able to take my niece out trick-or-treating. I have never taken her out before so it's quite exciting. I really hope the pain stays away and that I can walk.
I will try to keep this updated. Right now I need to get me some tea or something for my aching belly.
Night night!
I'm also stressing out about my financial situation. I've been paying into EI for 3 years and I am jumping through hoops just trying to get a little bit of that money. I'm on medical LOA for two months and my doctor still hasn't gotten my forms filled out. I've called twice now and I've now had to e-mail HO at my company to see if they have any luck with him.
I have a diagnosis and tests, it's just a matter of getting them all in order now. I really hope that I'm still eligible for EI even after all this. There's no doubt I'm in pain, and that I'm sick. I've been having stomach issues since I stopped taking narcotic painkillers. I'm now on NSAIDs, and one of them is really harsh on the stomach. It's called Indomethacin. Even the rabeprazole I take daily to help protect my stomach is no match for this stuff.
Sometimes I just don't take painkillers. Except, on those days I'm pretty useless. Today I managed to get by with just Advil. I've been getting a lot of bad headaches lately that feel like migraines but a little less severe. Still, it's no match for the pain that the growth on my ovary has caused me. The other night, the left one decided it wanted to join the pain party.
I haven't had a decent night's sleep in a few nights. All I can do is lay down, toss and turn, and maybe get a couple hours in. I wake up nauseated, and in a cold sweat every time.
The stress is getting to me pretty bad as well. There's been several days where I've just been so depressed I don't want to do ANYTHING. My job used to be my escape from the prison that's my mind and I no longer have that. Still, I can't help but think that things could be a lot worse.
There's also been a lot of earthquakes in the area apparently, although I haven't felt any of them. A couple hit Haida Gwaii the other day. It's too far for me to be affected though, but the seismograph picked up activity nearby as well. Kind of exciting stuff!
Hmmm let's see what else is new.. OH YES. I GOT A CONSULT. I see my gyne, (I had to get a referral from my family doctor) and I have an appointment on November 13th. We are going to discuss SURGERY. I want this shit out of me so damn bad.
I'm also so over this hormone therapy, but I have to stay on it.. I might have to come off it for the surgery though like I had to with the last procedure. The worst part about a laparoscopy is that you aren't allowed any NSAIDs for a week prior. That's a lot of T3s then dude. I've successfully gotten myself off of the tramadol. The side effects were pretty bad for the first few days and hung around for about a week. I now only take it when I absolutely have to. I'm not taking it as daily pain relief anymore. I can't believe how easy it is to get hooked on that stuff.
I hate narcotics. I hate feeling cloudy in the head, tired, slow, and completely useless. I can't even focus on a video game when I take them (unless it's T3s, those do nothing, probably because of the weak dosage of codeine, and the fact that I have a higher tolerance for them now).
I've been drinking green smoothies everyday. Since iron pills make me feel like shit, I just eat a cup of spinach daily. Maybe more since I squash it right into the blender and cram as much as I can in there. I bought a container of spinach and used like half of it in one smoothie, so now I buy the big bags of it since I go through it so fast. They're really good because I mix them with mango, avacado, some mint, Vanilla Chai Vega, and apple juice.
Tomorrow is Halloween and I'm hoping that I feel well enough to be able to take my niece out trick-or-treating. I have never taken her out before so it's quite exciting. I really hope the pain stays away and that I can walk.
I will try to keep this updated. Right now I need to get me some tea or something for my aching belly.
Night night!
Wednesday, October 17, 2012
Control
I confess I've lost control.
3 weeks ago my ovary formed a cyst. The cyst is extremely painful and I called my gynecologist to try and make an appointment. He was away. Furthermore, he was booked after his holidays so the MOA couldn't book me an appointment. I went to the hospital.
The hospital did an ultrasound and confirmed that I have a growth on my right ovary. I don't know what kind of ovarian cyst it is but I think it's hemorrhagic because my doctor told me it's leaking fluid into my pelvic cavity, which is causing a majority of the pain. The pain is so intense that I can barely walk or think. I've missed more work than I care to think about.
Since I couldn't get an appointment with my gyne, he faxed a prescription for Tramacet which I have been taking for the past three weeks. My GP has the ultrasound scans and results of my hospital tests. He gave me a scrip for an anti-inflammatory and wants to see me next week.
Here's the issue:
I'm addicted to the Tramacets. I tried to stop taking them and take the NSAID instead so I can go back to work and not be high. Instead, coming off the Tramacets caused me to have a restless and fitful sleep, a pounding headache, worsened pain, irritability, among other things. I had to take more. I'm high right now even. I had no idea these drugs were addictive. I don't know how to handle the withdrawal.. Furthermore I have no idea what's going to happen with my job. My performance has decreased significantly. My paycheques barely cover my bills. I can't function. I'm afraid to talk to my family about my addiction to painkillers because I feel like they'll blame me, or blame the doctor.. And get angry. I took the medication as it was prescribed. I didn't take more than needed. I am so embarassed I let this happen because when I was first diagnosed with endometriosis I promised myself I wouldn't become one of those women that gets addicted to painkillers.
I don't know what to do now. I can't see my specialist, and I'm so angry that he gave me drugs for me to just shut up and go away. I want the growth removed.. I want the ovary removed. I don't care. The pain is intense, and normal cysts aren't supposed to hurt. All my GP can do is monitor it. I need to be re-tested to see if it's growing. I don't want to wait. I need it out NOW. I can't afford anymore time off. I'm so scared. I'm afraid of losing my job.. I'm afraid of what's going to happen when I'm out of drugs. I feel like I've hit rock bottom with my life. All I want to do is get better. I KNOW there is treatment out there. I'm just so tired of fighting to get it.. Fighting to be taken seriously. It's hard for me to get proper treatment and surgery because I'm 26 and every doctor is more concerned about my fertility instead of my quality of life. My quality of life SUCKS RIGHT NOW. I can tell you I've fantasized about dying several times during the past three weeks. I'm not going to take my life because I know that there are other options. I CAN get through this, and if I simply have the disease removed, then I can go back to living my life the way I want. I'm holding onto that optimism tightly.. I'm just admitting that sometimes I feel hopeless. Not being able to do things for myself is very frustrating.
Having to go to work high as a kite and have everyone stare at me because I'm limping and holding onto the walls for dear life because the room is spinning is humiliating.
3 weeks ago my ovary formed a cyst. The cyst is extremely painful and I called my gynecologist to try and make an appointment. He was away. Furthermore, he was booked after his holidays so the MOA couldn't book me an appointment. I went to the hospital.
The hospital did an ultrasound and confirmed that I have a growth on my right ovary. I don't know what kind of ovarian cyst it is but I think it's hemorrhagic because my doctor told me it's leaking fluid into my pelvic cavity, which is causing a majority of the pain. The pain is so intense that I can barely walk or think. I've missed more work than I care to think about.
Since I couldn't get an appointment with my gyne, he faxed a prescription for Tramacet which I have been taking for the past three weeks. My GP has the ultrasound scans and results of my hospital tests. He gave me a scrip for an anti-inflammatory and wants to see me next week.
Here's the issue:
I'm addicted to the Tramacets. I tried to stop taking them and take the NSAID instead so I can go back to work and not be high. Instead, coming off the Tramacets caused me to have a restless and fitful sleep, a pounding headache, worsened pain, irritability, among other things. I had to take more. I'm high right now even. I had no idea these drugs were addictive. I don't know how to handle the withdrawal.. Furthermore I have no idea what's going to happen with my job. My performance has decreased significantly. My paycheques barely cover my bills. I can't function. I'm afraid to talk to my family about my addiction to painkillers because I feel like they'll blame me, or blame the doctor.. And get angry. I took the medication as it was prescribed. I didn't take more than needed. I am so embarassed I let this happen because when I was first diagnosed with endometriosis I promised myself I wouldn't become one of those women that gets addicted to painkillers.
I don't know what to do now. I can't see my specialist, and I'm so angry that he gave me drugs for me to just shut up and go away. I want the growth removed.. I want the ovary removed. I don't care. The pain is intense, and normal cysts aren't supposed to hurt. All my GP can do is monitor it. I need to be re-tested to see if it's growing. I don't want to wait. I need it out NOW. I can't afford anymore time off. I'm so scared. I'm afraid of losing my job.. I'm afraid of what's going to happen when I'm out of drugs. I feel like I've hit rock bottom with my life. All I want to do is get better. I KNOW there is treatment out there. I'm just so tired of fighting to get it.. Fighting to be taken seriously. It's hard for me to get proper treatment and surgery because I'm 26 and every doctor is more concerned about my fertility instead of my quality of life. My quality of life SUCKS RIGHT NOW. I can tell you I've fantasized about dying several times during the past three weeks. I'm not going to take my life because I know that there are other options. I CAN get through this, and if I simply have the disease removed, then I can go back to living my life the way I want. I'm holding onto that optimism tightly.. I'm just admitting that sometimes I feel hopeless. Not being able to do things for myself is very frustrating.
Having to go to work high as a kite and have everyone stare at me because I'm limping and holding onto the walls for dear life because the room is spinning is humiliating.
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