I confess I've lost control.
3 weeks ago my ovary formed a cyst. The cyst is extremely painful and I called my gynecologist to try and make an appointment. He was away. Furthermore, he was booked after his holidays so the MOA couldn't book me an appointment. I went to the hospital.
The hospital did an ultrasound and confirmed that I have a growth on my right ovary. I don't know what kind of ovarian cyst it is but I think it's hemorrhagic because my doctor told me it's leaking fluid into my pelvic cavity, which is causing a majority of the pain. The pain is so intense that I can barely walk or think. I've missed more work than I care to think about.
Since I couldn't get an appointment with my gyne, he faxed a prescription for Tramacet which I have been taking for the past three weeks. My GP has the ultrasound scans and results of my hospital tests. He gave me a scrip for an anti-inflammatory and wants to see me next week.
Here's the issue:
I'm addicted to the Tramacets. I tried to stop taking them and take the NSAID instead so I can go back to work and not be high. Instead, coming off the Tramacets caused me to have a restless and fitful sleep, a pounding headache, worsened pain, irritability, among other things. I had to take more. I'm high right now even. I had no idea these drugs were addictive. I don't know how to handle the withdrawal.. Furthermore I have no idea what's going to happen with my job. My performance has decreased significantly. My paycheques barely cover my bills. I can't function. I'm afraid to talk to my family about my addiction to painkillers because I feel like they'll blame me, or blame the doctor.. And get angry. I took the medication as it was prescribed. I didn't take more than needed. I am so embarassed I let this happen because when I was first diagnosed with endometriosis I promised myself I wouldn't become one of those women that gets addicted to painkillers.
I don't know what to do now. I can't see my specialist, and I'm so angry that he gave me drugs for me to just shut up and go away. I want the growth removed.. I want the ovary removed. I don't care. The pain is intense, and normal cysts aren't supposed to hurt. All my GP can do is monitor it. I need to be re-tested to see if it's growing. I don't want to wait. I need it out NOW. I can't afford anymore time off. I'm so scared. I'm afraid of losing my job.. I'm afraid of what's going to happen when I'm out of drugs. I feel like I've hit rock bottom with my life. All I want to do is get better. I KNOW there is treatment out there. I'm just so tired of fighting to get it.. Fighting to be taken seriously. It's hard for me to get proper treatment and surgery because I'm 26 and every doctor is more concerned about my fertility instead of my quality of life. My quality of life SUCKS RIGHT NOW. I can tell you I've fantasized about dying several times during the past three weeks. I'm not going to take my life because I know that there are other options. I CAN get through this, and if I simply have the disease removed, then I can go back to living my life the way I want. I'm holding onto that optimism tightly.. I'm just admitting that sometimes I feel hopeless. Not being able to do things for myself is very frustrating.
Having to go to work high as a kite and have everyone stare at me because I'm limping and holding onto the walls for dear life because the room is spinning is humiliating.
Wednesday, October 17, 2012
Saturday, September 15, 2012
Customer Service And Chronic Illness Don't Mix
Today was very difficult at work.
I had very bitchy, whiny, self-centered customers complaining about shit that I can only WISH were the biggest problems I had to face.
I've never really posted about my job, except when I got promoted. Basically I work at a call center for a large pizza company. I handle store service calls, customer complaints, payroll, coaching agents, answering agent questions, filing, handling online transactions etc etc. It's a busy job and for the most part, I love it.
Except when customers are dicks.
Today some guy decided to yell at me because he didn't receive enough pepperoni on his pizza.
"I'm sorry that you don't have enough pepperoni on your pizza sir. I don't have enough red blood cells because I was bleeding internally last week. Would you like some extra cheese the next time to go with your WINE??" Is what I wish I could say.
Instead, I pretended to care.
After that, I got yelled at by some guy who ordered $175 worth of pizzas, didn't answer his phone when we called him back to make sure it wasn't a prank, and then got mad when he called back 2 hours later about his order. Not only did he yell at me, but he passed the phone onto his wife, so that she could yell at me too.
"I'm sorry that you didn't receive your ridiculous amount of food this evening. I am unable to eat without feeling like I'm going to throw up. Please tell me more about how your guests are 'starving' even though I'm sure they had breakfast this morning."
Is what I would LIKE to say.
Instead I made the customer happy and he thanked me for my great customer service. How the FUCK I was able to hold it together to be cheerful and apologetic to someone who has no real problems in life is astounding to me. As you can imagine, it's quite exhausting.
And last but not least, there was grumpy old man who ordered two large pizzas and bitched about the delivery charge which costs less than a cup of coffee at Starbucks.
Apparently his pizza was warm.
MAYBE CUZ WE COOK IT IN A FREAKIN OVEN DIPSHIT?? Also gas isn't free. If you don't want to pay delivery, get in your fuckin Volvo and pick it up yourself. Asswipe.
*Breathes out*
After getting bitched at by all these people.. I stopped and realized how jealous I am that their problems are so petty. I also kind of felt sorry for them.. What would they do if they had to face a real issue? What if they were the ones who got sick and had to have test after test and surgery after surgery and be filled with hope and then have the doctor say "I'm sorry but there's nothing else we can do for you."? Seriously. What the hell would they do? They lose their shit over extra pepperoni, or cheese, or delivery charges, or their pizza being late. What would they say if they had to keep going to the hospital to have cameras crammed into their body cavities? Or started bleeding heavily out of the blue.. and in immense amounts of pain? EVERY DAY.
Apparently it's common to be irritable when severely anemic. I believe it. I'm okay with that right now. I need to vent. I've been holding onto it for too long. Besides, my rants are kind of funny. It makes me realize that it's okay for ME to once in awhile, break down and lose my shit. I'm not taking it out on anybody. I'm not getting on the phone and yelling at a stranger because "my life sucks" because really.. My life doesn't suck. It's just on a bumpy stretch of road right now. It could be much worse. I can think of a million things that feel way worse than the way I'm feeling right now. I'm grateful for the strength I have to deal with it. I'm also grateful that I know when I've had "enough" and to take time out for me. I left work a little bit early. My stomach was raging at me for eating lunch (I had sweet potato soup.. Easily one of my favourite foods but it didn't like me today) an my emotions were equally raging. I'm going to admit that I spent a good 20 minutes just bawling my eyes out in the bathroom because sometimes, I worry that the complications of this disease will just kill me. I worry that I will become permanently disabled. I worry that I will lose my job, my independence, and my freedom. I wonder how my bills will be paid..
It's too much worry.
I need to think about something else right now..
I had very bitchy, whiny, self-centered customers complaining about shit that I can only WISH were the biggest problems I had to face.
I've never really posted about my job, except when I got promoted. Basically I work at a call center for a large pizza company. I handle store service calls, customer complaints, payroll, coaching agents, answering agent questions, filing, handling online transactions etc etc. It's a busy job and for the most part, I love it.
Except when customers are dicks.
Today some guy decided to yell at me because he didn't receive enough pepperoni on his pizza.
"I'm sorry that you don't have enough pepperoni on your pizza sir. I don't have enough red blood cells because I was bleeding internally last week. Would you like some extra cheese the next time to go with your WINE??" Is what I wish I could say.
Instead, I pretended to care.
After that, I got yelled at by some guy who ordered $175 worth of pizzas, didn't answer his phone when we called him back to make sure it wasn't a prank, and then got mad when he called back 2 hours later about his order. Not only did he yell at me, but he passed the phone onto his wife, so that she could yell at me too.
"I'm sorry that you didn't receive your ridiculous amount of food this evening. I am unable to eat without feeling like I'm going to throw up. Please tell me more about how your guests are 'starving' even though I'm sure they had breakfast this morning."
Is what I would LIKE to say.
Instead I made the customer happy and he thanked me for my great customer service. How the FUCK I was able to hold it together to be cheerful and apologetic to someone who has no real problems in life is astounding to me. As you can imagine, it's quite exhausting.
And last but not least, there was grumpy old man who ordered two large pizzas and bitched about the delivery charge which costs less than a cup of coffee at Starbucks.
Apparently his pizza was warm.
MAYBE CUZ WE COOK IT IN A FREAKIN OVEN DIPSHIT?? Also gas isn't free. If you don't want to pay delivery, get in your fuckin Volvo and pick it up yourself. Asswipe.
*Breathes out*
After getting bitched at by all these people.. I stopped and realized how jealous I am that their problems are so petty. I also kind of felt sorry for them.. What would they do if they had to face a real issue? What if they were the ones who got sick and had to have test after test and surgery after surgery and be filled with hope and then have the doctor say "I'm sorry but there's nothing else we can do for you."? Seriously. What the hell would they do? They lose their shit over extra pepperoni, or cheese, or delivery charges, or their pizza being late. What would they say if they had to keep going to the hospital to have cameras crammed into their body cavities? Or started bleeding heavily out of the blue.. and in immense amounts of pain? EVERY DAY.
Apparently it's common to be irritable when severely anemic. I believe it. I'm okay with that right now. I need to vent. I've been holding onto it for too long. Besides, my rants are kind of funny. It makes me realize that it's okay for ME to once in awhile, break down and lose my shit. I'm not taking it out on anybody. I'm not getting on the phone and yelling at a stranger because "my life sucks" because really.. My life doesn't suck. It's just on a bumpy stretch of road right now. It could be much worse. I can think of a million things that feel way worse than the way I'm feeling right now. I'm grateful for the strength I have to deal with it. I'm also grateful that I know when I've had "enough" and to take time out for me. I left work a little bit early. My stomach was raging at me for eating lunch (I had sweet potato soup.. Easily one of my favourite foods but it didn't like me today) an my emotions were equally raging. I'm going to admit that I spent a good 20 minutes just bawling my eyes out in the bathroom because sometimes, I worry that the complications of this disease will just kill me. I worry that I will become permanently disabled. I worry that I will lose my job, my independence, and my freedom. I wonder how my bills will be paid..
It's too much worry.
I need to think about something else right now..
Sunday, September 2, 2012
It's ALIIIIIVE!!!!
Hi Readers!
The reason for today's post title is because of my endo is ALIIIIVE! It flared up last week something fierce. I can feel it roaring and growing inside of me. Let me explain:
I had my colonoscopy Aug 21st. I was in the hospital for about 5 or 6 hours which isn't a big deal. I simply read fanfiction on my mobile from my bed. The nurses loved me. They thought I was so cute because I'm really small (my recent digestive problems caused me to drop to about 120 pounds) and I look like a kid when I'm wearing a gown, hooked up to the kid-sized medical equipment. Also, it helps that I have no wrinkles whatsoever on my face and I insist on having my hair cut into bangs lol!
The procedure itself didn't go so well, however. The sedation didn't knock me out, so I was alert throughout the whole thing. It hurt a lot. I got an extra shot of morphine for the pain, and went home completely blitzed. I had a pretty good time taking photos of myself with dilated pupils.
After the procedure though, I was in a lot of pain. The bowel prep was hard on me, and I didn't eat any solid food for about 3 days. I was nauseous, and my whole abdomen was tender and painful. Because of this, I missed 2 days of work, and went home early on a Friday. The worst part was probably the mental anguish from having gone through all that wide awake. I had nightmares about the procedure. After a few days, I got over it.
Since my doctor had ordered a colonoscopy to not only check for IBD, but for endometriosis infiltrating the bowel, he stopped my treatment about a month prior to the procedure. At first, I felt better. My head felt clearer, I slept better, I was happier, my memory and hearing were better.. But then after the procedure, the cramping started. I thought "It's just intestinal cramping from the bowel prep" but it wasn't. One day I was walking to work and nearly collapsed in agony. I was only halfway to work! I got to work and quickly took naproxen, which is the only effective painkiller I can get over the counter. I double the recommended dose.
I was comfortable enough to work the rest of my shift that day, but then the bleeding started.
For the days following that, I was in immense pain. Barely able to get out of my bed and walk. I was taking narcotics at this point. I don't remember a lot from those days, but I do know that I went to work.. From the office, I called my doctor and begged them to fax a prescription for my hormone therapy to the nearest pharmacy. As bad as the side effects are.. Which include nausea, weight gain, memory loss, fatigue, loss of sex drive, digestive problems (including inflammation of the digestive tract), itchiness, oily skin, and depression.. NONE of those are as bad as the pain I was feeling. You must understand that when I get a period, all the endometriosis lesions bleed too. That blood has nowhere to go. I also bleed very very heavily. It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus. I'm a useless human being at that point. The pain is debilitating. All I can do is lay down with a heat pack and not move a muscle. The pain is constant. It doesn't come in waves, or ease up and then get worse. It constantly hurts.. FOR DAYS.
I'm still dealing with the pain, as the hormone therapy hasn't been able to completely stop the bleeding yet. I feel that the endo has spread to the bladder and the outside of my bowel because going to the bathroom is excruciating. I look at tampons like they're daggers, so I'm mostly using pads.. Which isn't really the best choice when you bleed like a stuck pig. So, I used both.. reluctantly.
I'm seriously considering a hysterectomy, and I've been researching the best options. There are many kinds of hysterectomy. There's a total radical hysterectomy, where they take out EVERYTHING. There's a partial hysterectomy, where they only remove the body of the uterus, and leave the cervix and ovaries behind.. Or there's a hysterectomy with unilateral salpingo-oopherectomy. They take the uterus, and leave only one ovary/fallopian tube behind.
Having children isn't an option for me. I've come to realize that I really don't want children. Last year, I went through a difficult time when I first started hormone therapy and all my cousins popped out kids and I went to the family reunion. I feel that it wasn't so much that I wanted a baby, but rather ACCEPTANCE among my relatives, since apparently in my family.. you aren't respected unless you've started a family.
I don't care anymore what they think.
I don't need to have children to please anyone because quite frankly, I don't really want kids. For most of my life I've never imagined becoming a mother. It wasn't until I realized that my choice was taken away, that maybe.. I might change my mind, and I don't have a lot of time to decide. Being confronted with that kind of information really messes with your head. Now that I'm living on my own, I am really happy with the way things are. I'm confident in my decision 100%. I've spoken to other women who have been in my shoes so I don't feel alone or crazy anymore.
All I want is for the pain to end. I want to work full time again. I want to go to university and study medicine or pharmacology. I want to become SOMETHING. I want to LIVE AGAIN without pain. If having my damaged and dysfunctional woman parts is what it takes to do that, then I'll do it.
The reason for today's post title is because of my endo is ALIIIIVE! It flared up last week something fierce. I can feel it roaring and growing inside of me. Let me explain:
I had my colonoscopy Aug 21st. I was in the hospital for about 5 or 6 hours which isn't a big deal. I simply read fanfiction on my mobile from my bed. The nurses loved me. They thought I was so cute because I'm really small (my recent digestive problems caused me to drop to about 120 pounds) and I look like a kid when I'm wearing a gown, hooked up to the kid-sized medical equipment. Also, it helps that I have no wrinkles whatsoever on my face and I insist on having my hair cut into bangs lol!
The procedure itself didn't go so well, however. The sedation didn't knock me out, so I was alert throughout the whole thing. It hurt a lot. I got an extra shot of morphine for the pain, and went home completely blitzed. I had a pretty good time taking photos of myself with dilated pupils.
After the procedure though, I was in a lot of pain. The bowel prep was hard on me, and I didn't eat any solid food for about 3 days. I was nauseous, and my whole abdomen was tender and painful. Because of this, I missed 2 days of work, and went home early on a Friday. The worst part was probably the mental anguish from having gone through all that wide awake. I had nightmares about the procedure. After a few days, I got over it.
Since my doctor had ordered a colonoscopy to not only check for IBD, but for endometriosis infiltrating the bowel, he stopped my treatment about a month prior to the procedure. At first, I felt better. My head felt clearer, I slept better, I was happier, my memory and hearing were better.. But then after the procedure, the cramping started. I thought "It's just intestinal cramping from the bowel prep" but it wasn't. One day I was walking to work and nearly collapsed in agony. I was only halfway to work! I got to work and quickly took naproxen, which is the only effective painkiller I can get over the counter. I double the recommended dose.
I was comfortable enough to work the rest of my shift that day, but then the bleeding started.
For the days following that, I was in immense pain. Barely able to get out of my bed and walk. I was taking narcotics at this point. I don't remember a lot from those days, but I do know that I went to work.. From the office, I called my doctor and begged them to fax a prescription for my hormone therapy to the nearest pharmacy. As bad as the side effects are.. Which include nausea, weight gain, memory loss, fatigue, loss of sex drive, digestive problems (including inflammation of the digestive tract), itchiness, oily skin, and depression.. NONE of those are as bad as the pain I was feeling. You must understand that when I get a period, all the endometriosis lesions bleed too. That blood has nowhere to go. I also bleed very very heavily. It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus. I'm a useless human being at that point. The pain is debilitating. All I can do is lay down with a heat pack and not move a muscle. The pain is constant. It doesn't come in waves, or ease up and then get worse. It constantly hurts.. FOR DAYS.
I'm still dealing with the pain, as the hormone therapy hasn't been able to completely stop the bleeding yet. I feel that the endo has spread to the bladder and the outside of my bowel because going to the bathroom is excruciating. I look at tampons like they're daggers, so I'm mostly using pads.. Which isn't really the best choice when you bleed like a stuck pig. So, I used both.. reluctantly.
I'm seriously considering a hysterectomy, and I've been researching the best options. There are many kinds of hysterectomy. There's a total radical hysterectomy, where they take out EVERYTHING. There's a partial hysterectomy, where they only remove the body of the uterus, and leave the cervix and ovaries behind.. Or there's a hysterectomy with unilateral salpingo-oopherectomy. They take the uterus, and leave only one ovary/fallopian tube behind.
Having children isn't an option for me. I've come to realize that I really don't want children. Last year, I went through a difficult time when I first started hormone therapy and all my cousins popped out kids and I went to the family reunion. I feel that it wasn't so much that I wanted a baby, but rather ACCEPTANCE among my relatives, since apparently in my family.. you aren't respected unless you've started a family.
I don't care anymore what they think.
I don't need to have children to please anyone because quite frankly, I don't really want kids. For most of my life I've never imagined becoming a mother. It wasn't until I realized that my choice was taken away, that maybe.. I might change my mind, and I don't have a lot of time to decide. Being confronted with that kind of information really messes with your head. Now that I'm living on my own, I am really happy with the way things are. I'm confident in my decision 100%. I've spoken to other women who have been in my shoes so I don't feel alone or crazy anymore.
All I want is for the pain to end. I want to work full time again. I want to go to university and study medicine or pharmacology. I want to become SOMETHING. I want to LIVE AGAIN without pain. If having my damaged and dysfunctional woman parts is what it takes to do that, then I'll do it.
Friday, August 10, 2012
Curse Of The Dangerbelly!
I know I keep saying I'll post more often but the thing is: I'm tired! LOL! I always THINK about posting.. If that counts :P
I haven't forgotten my loyal readers.
So, last month, for the whole month of July, I battled abdominal pain and relentless nausea. I lost nearly all of the weight I gained during my horrible bowel obstruction/pain fest in April. The lining of my stomach became inflamed from my daily doses of NSAIDs to control pain. I was getting headaches a lot, so I took Naproxen for that. I was getting back pain, so I took Advil or Naproxen for that. Suddenly, I was pale and anemic and looked like death. Possible stomach bleeding. Joy.
So, off to the doctor I went. I saw a new doctor who told me I have IBS (I was already diagnosed with this several years ago), but wants me to be checked out for IBD (Crohn's, ulcerative colitis) as per my gyne. Now I'm waiting for a call with a date for my colonoscopy. I keep having scary dreams about getting the call and going to the hospital for the procedure. I don't know why this particular procedure scares and worries me. I guess I'm worried about the preparation. I'm also going to miss work.
I've had digestive problems for years but this year, it's gotten worse. I could have died last spring from the obstruction. Right now, I feel as if scar tissue or endo is building up again because I've had to go like.. 3 times today and I've only been up for an hour. Also, it's very painful! I get sharp pains, and I get pelvic and back pain after using the washroom. It's awful. I might have to give up my day shifts because of this.
I'm still exhausted from the anemia. I'm slowly building my iron levels back up by eating spinach and taking my iron supplements as well as a B vitamin complex. Yesterday I slept for 12 hours.. I didn't get anything done because I was simply too wiped out to do it. I also had to work six days in a row last week as well.. Sheesh! I also have ulcers in my mouth that won't heal, and a wound on my foot which started out as an irritation from my shoe which became an infection.
Right now I'm taking a break from hormone therapy because I've had bone pain during weight-bearing exercises.. I worry about my bone density because I'm already small and I can't have dairy products. Last night I had hot flashes! This is just a never-ending adventure for me, isn't it? Lol! I have digestive problems, I'm worried about my bone density, and I have hot flashes. I sound like a 60 year old woman! Good grief..
I really hope I start feeling better soon!
I haven't forgotten my loyal readers.
So, last month, for the whole month of July, I battled abdominal pain and relentless nausea. I lost nearly all of the weight I gained during my horrible bowel obstruction/pain fest in April. The lining of my stomach became inflamed from my daily doses of NSAIDs to control pain. I was getting headaches a lot, so I took Naproxen for that. I was getting back pain, so I took Advil or Naproxen for that. Suddenly, I was pale and anemic and looked like death. Possible stomach bleeding. Joy.
So, off to the doctor I went. I saw a new doctor who told me I have IBS (I was already diagnosed with this several years ago), but wants me to be checked out for IBD (Crohn's, ulcerative colitis) as per my gyne. Now I'm waiting for a call with a date for my colonoscopy. I keep having scary dreams about getting the call and going to the hospital for the procedure. I don't know why this particular procedure scares and worries me. I guess I'm worried about the preparation. I'm also going to miss work.
I've had digestive problems for years but this year, it's gotten worse. I could have died last spring from the obstruction. Right now, I feel as if scar tissue or endo is building up again because I've had to go like.. 3 times today and I've only been up for an hour. Also, it's very painful! I get sharp pains, and I get pelvic and back pain after using the washroom. It's awful. I might have to give up my day shifts because of this.
I'm still exhausted from the anemia. I'm slowly building my iron levels back up by eating spinach and taking my iron supplements as well as a B vitamin complex. Yesterday I slept for 12 hours.. I didn't get anything done because I was simply too wiped out to do it. I also had to work six days in a row last week as well.. Sheesh! I also have ulcers in my mouth that won't heal, and a wound on my foot which started out as an irritation from my shoe which became an infection.
Right now I'm taking a break from hormone therapy because I've had bone pain during weight-bearing exercises.. I worry about my bone density because I'm already small and I can't have dairy products. Last night I had hot flashes! This is just a never-ending adventure for me, isn't it? Lol! I have digestive problems, I'm worried about my bone density, and I have hot flashes. I sound like a 60 year old woman! Good grief..
I really hope I start feeling better soon!
Monday, June 11, 2012
Hitting A Rough Patch
Hi there readers!
I know I promised to be more active and post more often but I've just been busy (and sore!)
I haven't been called yet to see the new doctor about my digestive problems. The doctor's office is apparently quite behind due to some issues, but that's alright. I'm patient.. And not all that gung-ho about having a camera shoved up my arse anyways hahahaha!
So, update since I last posted: I was exercising daily and weight-training about 3 days a week until I injured my back. I started having sciatic pain a week after going to the gym to do a short leg routine. I only did a little, and maybe worked out for about a half hour before calling it quits because I didn't want to "overdo" it. However, I've also had a very stressful two weeks and I'll tell you why.
My stepdad Bill was hospitalized because he had clogged arteries in his heart. It was so bad that he had to stay in the hospital undergoing a series of tests to see if he was strong enough to have surgery. After being in hospital for about a week, having a blood transfusion, ECG, ultrasounds and x-rays, they did a quadruple bypass surgery. He's now home, after spending two weeks at Vancouver General Hospital recovering from his surgery. I was very worried about him the whole time he was in there. Due to my work schedule, I was only able to visit him once. After injuring myself, I wasn't able to bike over to the house to visit, so I have yet to see him.
I've been having pretty bad pain for the past week or so, mostly in my back. It hurts to use the bathroom, and it's very difficult to sit at my desk at work. Last week I only worked 2 days because of the pain. I haven't brought this up to my doctor because A: The office was closed when I called and B: I don't think he can help me anymore. Right now it's just chronic pain. My only option other than waiting for the colonoscopy to check for IBD is another laparoscopy. I'm really not ready to go under the knife again. I do feel though, that my endo has returned. I have the same symptoms as I did before my first surgery, except they are worse. My "good" days" are becoming more rare, and days where I struggle to get out of bed are a regular occurance. I'm trying really hard not to let it get me down mentally. I'm trying really hard to live as normally as I can and stay positive. It's not easy.
I really feel as if my only option right now is to "get used to the pain" and learn to "deal with it." I don't want to get used to suffering every day. I want to be like any other 26 year old. I guess I'm going through a rough patch right now. I spent all of April in agony, then had one good month, and now I'm in pain again. It doesn't seem fair. I try to think that this is happening for a reason. I'm not sure what that reason is yet though..
I know I promised to be more active and post more often but I've just been busy (and sore!)
I haven't been called yet to see the new doctor about my digestive problems. The doctor's office is apparently quite behind due to some issues, but that's alright. I'm patient.. And not all that gung-ho about having a camera shoved up my arse anyways hahahaha!
So, update since I last posted: I was exercising daily and weight-training about 3 days a week until I injured my back. I started having sciatic pain a week after going to the gym to do a short leg routine. I only did a little, and maybe worked out for about a half hour before calling it quits because I didn't want to "overdo" it. However, I've also had a very stressful two weeks and I'll tell you why.
My stepdad Bill was hospitalized because he had clogged arteries in his heart. It was so bad that he had to stay in the hospital undergoing a series of tests to see if he was strong enough to have surgery. After being in hospital for about a week, having a blood transfusion, ECG, ultrasounds and x-rays, they did a quadruple bypass surgery. He's now home, after spending two weeks at Vancouver General Hospital recovering from his surgery. I was very worried about him the whole time he was in there. Due to my work schedule, I was only able to visit him once. After injuring myself, I wasn't able to bike over to the house to visit, so I have yet to see him.
I've been having pretty bad pain for the past week or so, mostly in my back. It hurts to use the bathroom, and it's very difficult to sit at my desk at work. Last week I only worked 2 days because of the pain. I haven't brought this up to my doctor because A: The office was closed when I called and B: I don't think he can help me anymore. Right now it's just chronic pain. My only option other than waiting for the colonoscopy to check for IBD is another laparoscopy. I'm really not ready to go under the knife again. I do feel though, that my endo has returned. I have the same symptoms as I did before my first surgery, except they are worse. My "good" days" are becoming more rare, and days where I struggle to get out of bed are a regular occurance. I'm trying really hard not to let it get me down mentally. I'm trying really hard to live as normally as I can and stay positive. It's not easy.
I really feel as if my only option right now is to "get used to the pain" and learn to "deal with it." I don't want to get used to suffering every day. I want to be like any other 26 year old. I guess I'm going through a rough patch right now. I spent all of April in agony, then had one good month, and now I'm in pain again. It doesn't seem fair. I try to think that this is happening for a reason. I'm not sure what that reason is yet though..
Sunday, May 27, 2012
The Dreaded Season
Good afternoon my super beautiful people!
Allergy season is officially here! That's basically May and June.. Two months of being a phlegm factory, sniveling, snotty, nose-blowing foghorn human being. The thing that plagues me the most: The Forbidden Cottonwood Tree. Fluffy miniature clouds float through the air like delicate snowflakes.. And when they touch me, I scream. I itch. My nose and eyes protest vehemently! This hasn't stopped me from going outside, however. I'm participating in bike to work week starting on Monday, and wouldn't you know it, it's supposed to rain pretty much the entire time. My rain pants barely fit me. You see, I still haven't been able to shed a single pound of the weight gained in April when I was sick. I'm pretty sure the hormone treatment is to blame. I take 20mg of MPA daily. I don't even think post-menopausal women take that much. I think that dosage is enough to sterilize me. Oh well. The pain is pretty much non-existent. I experience the slight twinge of dull cramping every now and then but basically my entire reproductive system is in a coma right now.
I'm continuing my special diet which is 90% vegan and full of fiber. I take Metamucil every day, a probiotic, and my vitamins. My diet is low in fat, sugar, and carbohydrates. I exercise daily. Yet still, I am at 130 pounds. That may not be much, in fact, it's probably normal for a woman my height but you have to realize I have NEVER WEIGHED THIS MUCH IN MY LIFE. All my clothes fit my size 3, 115-120 pounds self. I don't see my abs anymore. It makes me sad to actually have bodyfat in the 20 percentile range. I probably shouldn't complain, as I am nowhere near the category of "overweight" but I suppose I'm afraid that I might enter that category if I'm not careful. My metabolism has slowed down, and I'm hovering at the same weight despite sweating for hours a week and eating meticulously and refusing anything rich in calories, fat, and sugar. If I were to eat anything I wanted, and was sedentary, who knows what would happen?
The thing is, I just plain don't feel comfortable in my skin right now. I don't want to wear a bathing suit, or shorts, or a miniskirt. I want to hide. I want to continue being tiny me.
You see, years ago, when I was 15 I had an eating disorder severe enough to hospitalize me. I eventually recovered, but I never overcame my psychological obsession with eating and being thin. I had a relapse in 2008 when I developed a different kind of eating disorder known as "orthorexia." I also worked at a gym and would constantly exercise whenever I had the chance. Before my shift, during my lunch break, and after my shift if I could. I became so obsessed that I literally started to lose my mind and attempted suicide. I eventually recovered from that too.. Physically anyways.
I still obsess about my appearance on a day-to-day basis. Once you have an eating disorder, it never leaves you. The temptation to skip meals is always there, despite a love of eating. Sometimes, there's a temptation to binge.. and sometimes I give in.. and feel horrendously ugly afterwards. I haven't really opened up about this issue, but it's important to. It really is. A lot of women have negative views about their bodies because society puts a lot of pressure on us to look a certain way. I have always dreaded the warmer season.. Not only because of the Forbidden Cottonwood Tree but also because of the fact that it's too damn hot to hide in a hoodie and yoga pants. You also have to realize that I lack the ability to tan. I'm always the palest on the beach, and being pale just makes me look less fit. The treatment I'm on also makes my skin super sensitive to the sun, and being an endometriosis sufferer, as well as being fair-skinned, I am a high risk candidate for skin cancer.
Every year I dread this season, and every year I try to lose weight so that I can look good in a pair of shorts. This year is especially hard for me because I am at my heaviest and unable to shed any of the pounds. I'm using every ounce of my energy not to feel sorry for myself. At the same time, I feel very stupid to be feeling fat when most people still view me as being thin. I don't know. It's a weird feeling. It feels a little better to write about it.
Thanks so much for listening!!
Xoxoxox
M
Allergy season is officially here! That's basically May and June.. Two months of being a phlegm factory, sniveling, snotty, nose-blowing foghorn human being. The thing that plagues me the most: The Forbidden Cottonwood Tree. Fluffy miniature clouds float through the air like delicate snowflakes.. And when they touch me, I scream. I itch. My nose and eyes protest vehemently! This hasn't stopped me from going outside, however. I'm participating in bike to work week starting on Monday, and wouldn't you know it, it's supposed to rain pretty much the entire time. My rain pants barely fit me. You see, I still haven't been able to shed a single pound of the weight gained in April when I was sick. I'm pretty sure the hormone treatment is to blame. I take 20mg of MPA daily. I don't even think post-menopausal women take that much. I think that dosage is enough to sterilize me. Oh well. The pain is pretty much non-existent. I experience the slight twinge of dull cramping every now and then but basically my entire reproductive system is in a coma right now.
I'm continuing my special diet which is 90% vegan and full of fiber. I take Metamucil every day, a probiotic, and my vitamins. My diet is low in fat, sugar, and carbohydrates. I exercise daily. Yet still, I am at 130 pounds. That may not be much, in fact, it's probably normal for a woman my height but you have to realize I have NEVER WEIGHED THIS MUCH IN MY LIFE. All my clothes fit my size 3, 115-120 pounds self. I don't see my abs anymore. It makes me sad to actually have bodyfat in the 20 percentile range. I probably shouldn't complain, as I am nowhere near the category of "overweight" but I suppose I'm afraid that I might enter that category if I'm not careful. My metabolism has slowed down, and I'm hovering at the same weight despite sweating for hours a week and eating meticulously and refusing anything rich in calories, fat, and sugar. If I were to eat anything I wanted, and was sedentary, who knows what would happen?
The thing is, I just plain don't feel comfortable in my skin right now. I don't want to wear a bathing suit, or shorts, or a miniskirt. I want to hide. I want to continue being tiny me.
You see, years ago, when I was 15 I had an eating disorder severe enough to hospitalize me. I eventually recovered, but I never overcame my psychological obsession with eating and being thin. I had a relapse in 2008 when I developed a different kind of eating disorder known as "orthorexia." I also worked at a gym and would constantly exercise whenever I had the chance. Before my shift, during my lunch break, and after my shift if I could. I became so obsessed that I literally started to lose my mind and attempted suicide. I eventually recovered from that too.. Physically anyways.
I still obsess about my appearance on a day-to-day basis. Once you have an eating disorder, it never leaves you. The temptation to skip meals is always there, despite a love of eating. Sometimes, there's a temptation to binge.. and sometimes I give in.. and feel horrendously ugly afterwards. I haven't really opened up about this issue, but it's important to. It really is. A lot of women have negative views about their bodies because society puts a lot of pressure on us to look a certain way. I have always dreaded the warmer season.. Not only because of the Forbidden Cottonwood Tree but also because of the fact that it's too damn hot to hide in a hoodie and yoga pants. You also have to realize that I lack the ability to tan. I'm always the palest on the beach, and being pale just makes me look less fit. The treatment I'm on also makes my skin super sensitive to the sun, and being an endometriosis sufferer, as well as being fair-skinned, I am a high risk candidate for skin cancer.
Every year I dread this season, and every year I try to lose weight so that I can look good in a pair of shorts. This year is especially hard for me because I am at my heaviest and unable to shed any of the pounds. I'm using every ounce of my energy not to feel sorry for myself. At the same time, I feel very stupid to be feeling fat when most people still view me as being thin. I don't know. It's a weird feeling. It feels a little better to write about it.
Thanks so much for listening!!
Xoxoxox
M
Thursday, May 10, 2012
Old News, Good News
Hi there, readers!
It's been a long time since I posted. Since Blogger re-vamped the website, I can no longer update via my Blackberry.. It's just not mobile friendly! So, I had to break down and get the internet and blog on a computer like the rest of the normal, techno-savvy population! Haha! So, I haven't blogged for two months but here I am.
It appears that my endometriosis is spreading, so as a result, I am on a higher dose of hormones which causes some interesting side-effects. Obviously, I'm not very happy about this because 1. I'm too young to be experiencing stuff that women usually don't get to experience until their 50s or 60s, and 2. The prolonged use of hormones is not good for my bones or breast health.
As you recall, I went through several tests looking for cancer, interstitial cystitis, and ovarian tumours. Everything checked out okay and a majority of my pain was caused by inflammation in my pelvis. That's where the hormones come in. Along with the hormones, I'm on a very strict diet. No dairy whatsoever, no sugar, low gluten, no processed foods. I also gained weight, about ten pounds last month since I was unable to walk. Around the end of March, I started experiencing severe pain on a daily basis. I was unable to function, and was on bed-rest for about 5 weeks. I struggled to get out of bed, and I dragged myself to work and was often only able to work half-days. My abdomen swelled up to the point where my pants barely fit, and I was hospitalized. After I got out of the hospital, I spent a lot of my time laying down, high on narcotic painkillers. I barely remember April, except for the pain. That is still in my mind. I saw so many doctors that I barely remember their names.. or the tests I went through. There was blood-work, x-rays, more urine tests, emergency ultrasounds.. Sheesh!
It wasn't a fun time.
Then, I got in to see my gynecologist. He really is an awesome man. He thinks I might have inflammatory bowel disease, so I'm being referred to yet another doctor.. Just waiting on the phone call. He doubled up my hormone therapy and I started feeling relief within a week. The only downside is that I'm tired a lot now.. and I have a moustache.. Oh and oily skin. Also, for the first time in my life, I'm struggling with my weight. Despite my ultra-squeaky-clean diet and the fact that I am now able to exercise daily, I can't seem to lose this annoying ten pounds I gained. I supposed I'm just going to have to get used to it.
Other than all that, I am truly enjoying and appreciating every single day. I experienced about 5 weeks of needing help.. needing assistance to do everyday things. I will never ever take for granted the ability to walk ever again. In the hospital I needed a wheelchair to get around because each step was just excruciating. Now, I go for walks nearly every day outside through the trails by my apartment. I take photos, I take deep breaths, I inhale the fresh air and I'm grateful that I am AWARE.
Also, just last week I met one of the most profound role models in my life. A cancer survivor, a fighter, and overall amazing person: BIF NAKED! It was absolutely surreal to meet her. I remember being 12 years old, singing along to her music and hoping that one day, I would be able to meet her face to face. 14 years later, I have. I've included a photo of the two of us! She really is a remarkable woman. She's so brave, and funny, and sweet and giving. If it weren't for her, I don't think that I would be the optimistic, positive person I am today. The best part is, she seemed just as excited to meet me as I was to meet her. She really appreciates all her fans, and it's hard to find that quality in a celebrity. Truly one of the best days of my life!
I'm signing off for now, but I will try to keep blogging more regularly!
Thanks for reading,
Xoxoxoxo
M
It's been a long time since I posted. Since Blogger re-vamped the website, I can no longer update via my Blackberry.. It's just not mobile friendly! So, I had to break down and get the internet and blog on a computer like the rest of the normal, techno-savvy population! Haha! So, I haven't blogged for two months but here I am.
It appears that my endometriosis is spreading, so as a result, I am on a higher dose of hormones which causes some interesting side-effects. Obviously, I'm not very happy about this because 1. I'm too young to be experiencing stuff that women usually don't get to experience until their 50s or 60s, and 2. The prolonged use of hormones is not good for my bones or breast health.
As you recall, I went through several tests looking for cancer, interstitial cystitis, and ovarian tumours. Everything checked out okay and a majority of my pain was caused by inflammation in my pelvis. That's where the hormones come in. Along with the hormones, I'm on a very strict diet. No dairy whatsoever, no sugar, low gluten, no processed foods. I also gained weight, about ten pounds last month since I was unable to walk. Around the end of March, I started experiencing severe pain on a daily basis. I was unable to function, and was on bed-rest for about 5 weeks. I struggled to get out of bed, and I dragged myself to work and was often only able to work half-days. My abdomen swelled up to the point where my pants barely fit, and I was hospitalized. After I got out of the hospital, I spent a lot of my time laying down, high on narcotic painkillers. I barely remember April, except for the pain. That is still in my mind. I saw so many doctors that I barely remember their names.. or the tests I went through. There was blood-work, x-rays, more urine tests, emergency ultrasounds.. Sheesh!
It wasn't a fun time.
Then, I got in to see my gynecologist. He really is an awesome man. He thinks I might have inflammatory bowel disease, so I'm being referred to yet another doctor.. Just waiting on the phone call. He doubled up my hormone therapy and I started feeling relief within a week. The only downside is that I'm tired a lot now.. and I have a moustache.. Oh and oily skin. Also, for the first time in my life, I'm struggling with my weight. Despite my ultra-squeaky-clean diet and the fact that I am now able to exercise daily, I can't seem to lose this annoying ten pounds I gained. I supposed I'm just going to have to get used to it.
Other than all that, I am truly enjoying and appreciating every single day. I experienced about 5 weeks of needing help.. needing assistance to do everyday things. I will never ever take for granted the ability to walk ever again. In the hospital I needed a wheelchair to get around because each step was just excruciating. Now, I go for walks nearly every day outside through the trails by my apartment. I take photos, I take deep breaths, I inhale the fresh air and I'm grateful that I am AWARE.
Also, just last week I met one of the most profound role models in my life. A cancer survivor, a fighter, and overall amazing person: BIF NAKED! It was absolutely surreal to meet her. I remember being 12 years old, singing along to her music and hoping that one day, I would be able to meet her face to face. 14 years later, I have. I've included a photo of the two of us! She really is a remarkable woman. She's so brave, and funny, and sweet and giving. If it weren't for her, I don't think that I would be the optimistic, positive person I am today. The best part is, she seemed just as excited to meet me as I was to meet her. She really appreciates all her fans, and it's hard to find that quality in a celebrity. Truly one of the best days of my life!
I'm signing off for now, but I will try to keep blogging more regularly!
Thanks for reading,
Xoxoxoxo
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